Who needs an article?

Well if you can get hold of one of those masterbating addicts, you may only need one or two of them. I saw it on television the other day, two brits who had to go to somewhere in the US for rehab.

 

I wonder what a chronic masturbator looks like during withdrawal...

 

Picture Sylvester Stallone as a midget and WITH down-syndrome.

 

Bomb squad disables suspect sex toy

Here's a top tip for those of you thinking of sending battery-operated sex toys via the Royal Mail: take out the power source before popping the package in the post, or you might enjoy a more explosive climax than anticipated.

This piece of advice comes via the BBC, which reports that Post Office staff in Hasland, Chesterfield, alerted the bomb squad after detecting a suspiciously-noisy parcel. The street was duly sealed off for an hour and a half during which the chaps disabled the offending device in a controlled explosion.

The source of the scare was subsequently found to be a vibrator, provocatively packed with a packet of chocolate buttons. A police spokesman said: "Officers had no way of knowing what was inside the package. But it gave us a giggle. They had to act on the information available and had to do what they thought was right. Thankfully, it was nothing more serious."


Gotta love it!

 

Butts steals buttwipe
Times-Republican: "It’s not quite 25 to life, but stealing toilet paper from the Marshall County Courthouse could prove costly for one Marshall County resident.

A woman was discovered taking toilet paper from the courthouse Monday, according to police reports, something she has apparently been adept at doing for a quite a while.

No one could remember exactly when, but toilet paper started disappearing at “unusually high rates,â€￾ even for county employees, said a source close to the problem. In other words, something didn’t smell quite right.

It had long ago been suspected that the problem was more than just overactive bowels, but no one could quite prove it. That is, until the culprit was caught red-handed by authorities.

“A courthouse employee saw her walk from a storeroom carrying a bag of toilet paper,â€￾ said Marshalltown Police Chief Lon Walker.

The woman allegedly involved in the situation, Suzanne Marie Butts, has been referred to as the toilet paper bandit by some county employees.

Though she apparently has a concern for hygiene, she may find herself in a messy situation.

Because of prior convictions, Butts faces up to two years in prison — for three rolls of toilet paper. Despite what some may consider a harsh penalty, Supervisor Gordie Johnson was not sympathetic.

 

Robbers Glue Victim to Exercise Bike

Kobus van Deventer, a 50-year-old South African property developer, was carjacked in a suburb of Johannesburg on May 2. His attackers, who were wearing suits and armed with handguns and an automatic rifle, made van Deventer drive to his house. Once there, they forced him to strip, and then super-glued him to the seat of his exercise bike. His hands and feet were super-glued, and then they glued his mouth shut. When they were finished, they ransacked his house and drank his Chivas Regal.

Van Deventer spent three hours stuck to the bike, until his girlfriend came home and called emergency services. Workers from Netcare 911, a private company, used chemicals mixed with Vaseline to dissolve the glue and free him.

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/merseyside/4253849.stm


Woman jailed for testicle attack
A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self defence.

The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year.

The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones's house.

An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard".

He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain."

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.

She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

The letter added: "I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life."

 

Friday, June 15, 2007

Horsefucker caught
.: Corvallis Gazette-Times: Community News:

A Corvallis teenager is facing charges of burglary and sexual abuse of an animal after being arrested last week at a barn in northeast Corvallis. The teenager, 17 at the time of his arrest, was arrested by Deputy Randy Hiner and Corvallis Police Officer Jason Harvey at the barn in the 4000 block of Northeast Minnesota Avenue at about 2:30 a.m. on June 7.

The owners of the property had reported assaults on the horse before, once on July 30, 2006, and again on Feb. 9 of this year. After the July incident, the owners noticed the halter of their mare had been moved. So the owners installed a video surveillance camera inside the barn.

In February 2007, the owners again noticed a halter and some food dishes had been moved in the barn. When they checked the video from the surveillance camera, they saw a male who they estimated being between 16 and 18 years old, sexually assaulting the horse. He wore a jacket and long pants and a baseball cap. They were not able to identify the suspect from the video.

Deputy Clay Stephens, who viewed the video, said the youth seemed very practiced, not hurried but not wasting any time. Stephens said he seemed to be following a “very concise, deliberate, well-thought-out plan.â€￾

After the February incident, the owners installed a silent alarm on the barn. On June 7, at around 2:30 a.m., the alarm sounded in the house. The owners looked at the video monitor and saw the suspect preparing to assault the horse. They called the sheriff’s office. The suspect had gotten into the locked barn by squeezing behind one panel of a sliding door.

The suspect was charged with second degree burglary, a Class C felony, and sexual abuse of an animal, a Class A misdemeanor. He was taken to the Linn-Benton Detention Center where he was arraigned and released later the same day. His next court appearance is a hearing June 20.

 

Man learns to tell 'pigs' from cops

A New Zealand man who called police officers 'pigs' has been ordered to spend a day at a pig farm.

The 22-year-old has also been ordered to write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.

The man was charged with using offensive language after he hurled abuse at police during a trip to Auckland.

Community Magistrate Robyn Paterson at Tauranga District Court ordered him to spend a day at a pig farm and present a short essay on his experiences, reports The Bay of Plenty Times.

According to the newspaper, he wrote: "I was very, very drunk. I have stopped drinking because of what happened. I have wasted the police's time and my time."

He maintained the word pig could be found in the Oxford dictionary and was often used to describe police.

But added he had learned 'that there is nothing at all in common with a pig and an officer'.

Source- www.ananova.com

 

http://cbs2.com/topstories/local_story_189191142.html

Chewbacca Allegedly Assaults Marilyn In Hollywood


A Chewbacca impersonator is accused of sexually assaulting a Marilyn Monroe impersonator in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood in June. The wookie then reportedly evaded arrest, police said.




there's more to the article, but really, how much more do you need?

 

School shuns 'hell' of a pupil

A Catholic school refused to enrol a five-year-old because his surname was Hell.

St Peter Apostle School in Melbourne suggested that Max Hell would only be admitted if he used his mother's maiden name.

His father initially agreed. But when it came to signing the enrolment forms Alex Hall decided to stand firm in defence of his family's name, reports The Times.

"We're quite devastated by the whole thing," Mr Hell, a Catholic father of three said. "So what if I've got a name like Hell? That's my family history and my name."

Mr Hell, 45, who is of Austrian heritage, said his surname meant light or bright in German. "It's 2007, not 1407 - it's not the Dark Ages."

The Hells approached St Peter Apostle School hoping to transfer their son from a state school, apparently because he was being bullied over his surname.

St Peter Apostle agreed it would to receive the boy on condition that he adopt his mother's maiden name of Wembridge.

After Mr Hell publicly complained about the school's refusal to enrol his son, the school later had a change of heart.

But Mr Hell, who said he he was also bullied because of his surname when he attended a Catholic school as a child, said he was now reluctant to consider a Catholic education for his children.

"I've had enough. I was ridiculed as a child... I want him to be accepted as Max Hell, but obviously he's not," he said.

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2407697.html?menu=

 

Some need-to-know info for the teenagers:

http://www.herballove.com/library/resource/overmas/fatal.asp

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hungarian_ ... ical_items

especially:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hungarian_ ... long_words

 

Found on the web:

Lemon juice doesn't kill aids

HOPES that simple lemon juice might be a weapon against AIDS have suffered a setback, with new research showing it had no effect on the spread of the disease.
via The Age:
http://www.theage.com.au/news/natio...ht-against-aids/2007/07/23/1185043033695.html

And let me tell you, Tabasco sauce doesn't work, either. Do do that.


Labels: aids, lemon juice, tabasco sauce

 

Bad cops, bad cops.

 

Humor...

Teaching someone to use a computer

Anyone like pizza?

Hmmm... pizza...

 

you totally missed the point of this thread.

 

Local stations get call letters that spell dirty words
Posted Jul 27th 2007 4:22PM by Anna Johns
Filed under: News, Watercooler Talk

In what can only be described as utter irony, the FCC has given two local television stations call letters that either spell out or stand for dirty words. In Maui, it's KUNT. Yes, those are the real call letters given to a low-power digital station in Wailuku, Maui. The station is still under construction so no one has seen KUNT Action News as of yet--or maybe it's KUNT On Your Side.

The other station is KWTF in Arizona. Now, this one I like. I think I'd keep it. I'd make my motto, "Hey! KWTF is happening in Arizona!"
Both stations are owned by KM Communications, which actually requested those call letters. The vice president of the company claims he (metaphorically) "fell asleep on the job" when it came to requesting call letters. Yeah, right. Either he's a dirty, dirty man or he's extremely stupid for letting some high school-age employee choose the stations' call letters.

[Via TV Tattle]