who needs a laugh

There is a family of potatoes with a Mama Potato and three Daughter Potatoes.

One day, the Mama Potato is doing dishes, and the Oldest Daughter comes and says

"Ma, guess what!"

"What is it, dear?"

"I'm getting married!"

"Really? To who?"

"Mr. Potato!" replied the daughter, and the Mama Potato was very impressed because Mr. Potato is a big name in the potato world.

Later, the second Daughter came, and said that SHE was getting married.

"Really? To who?"

"Old Dutch!"

Well, Old Dutch was kind of old, but still very wealthy, and so Mama Potato was very happy for her second Daughter.

Then, the youngest, baby potato came and said

"Ma! Ma! I'm getting married too!"

"Really? Who are you marrying?"

"Peter Mansbridge!"

"Peter Mansbridge? He's just a commentator!"



PS, that joke sucks, Milintica.

 

Xyle

 

I am a joke? Really? Wow! Thanks for the compliment. I thought I wasn't funny. And if I ever reach the target for a custom avatar, may I recommend making it a jester's cap?

And for the one joke per thread rule, that WAS a joke... (Or was this?)

 

Shut up Kyle.

 

Slap yourself Wobbler. You must post a joke when posting in the joke thread.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw!"

 

What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!

Xyle, Wobbler, anyone else who sees this. Post in this thread with no joke again, and I ban your account for a few days, or until I remember to unban it.

 

A Somalian arrives in Australia as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Afghani!'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!'
The person says, 'I not Australian, I Iraqi!'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan, I am not from Australia!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Australian?' She says, 'No, I am from India!'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'
The Indian lady checks her watch and says, 'Probably at work'

 

You didn't consider what I wrote a joke? oh well, ...

-------

Ideology and Religion Shit List

* Taoism: Shit happens.
* Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
* Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
* Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
* Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
* Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
* Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
* Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
* Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
* Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
* Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
* Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
* Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
* Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
* Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
* Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
* Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
* Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
* Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
* Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
* Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
* Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
* Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
* Creationism: God made all shit.
* Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
* Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
* Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
* Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
* Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
* Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
* Darwinism: This shit was once food.
* Capitalism: That's MY shit.
* Communism: It's everybody's shit.
* Feminism: Men are shit.
* Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
* Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
* Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
* Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
* Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
* Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
* Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
* Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
* Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
* Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
* Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
* Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
* Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
* Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
* Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
* Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
* Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
* Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
* Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
* Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
* Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
* Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
* Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
* Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
* Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
* Atheism: What shit?
* Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
* Nihilism: No shit.
* And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!

-----------

WALLYS WEDDING NIGHT
At 87 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 87 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

 

There are 2 prawns, one called Johnny and one called Christian. They're happy prawns, playing with their happy prawn friends. One day Johnny decides that he's bored, so he goes to see Cod.
"Cod, I'm bored," says Johnny. "Please turn me into a great big shark!"
So Cod waves his magic fin and turns Johnny into a shark.
Johnny swims off and has a few fun weeks scaring all his little friends. But eventually they work out that this particular shark isn't going to eat them, so they start ignoring him. Johnny gets angry and (disturbed prawn that he is) starts eating them. At last, there is only Christian left, and Johnny wants to play with him. He goes to Christian's rock and says,
"Christian, come out and play with me!"
"Nononono, you're a big shark, you're going to eat me!"
"No, I won't eat you, please come and play with me."
"Nononono, you're a great big shark, you're going to eat me!"
So Johnny swims off to see Cod.
"Cod, I'm bored! All my friends are dead, and Christian won't play with me. Please turn me back into a prawn again." Cod says "OK, I think you've learned your lesson," waves his magic fin and Johnny is a prawn again. He swims off to see Christian.
"Come out and play with me," he calls.
"Nonono, you're a shark, you're going to eat me!"
"No, it's OK! I've spoken to Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!"

 

Condom factory burns down in New Zealand :
--------------------------------------------

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.


PM: Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.

Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?

PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.

Hilth Munister: What about Australia ?

PM: I'll call Joolia Gillard. Tell her we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.
That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".


Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi.

 

She says: I
She says: l
She says: o
She says: v
She says: e
She says: y
He says: C-C-C-Combo Breaker!
She says: What the **** is a matter with you?

 

I know you're only supposed to post jokes here, but I thought this was relevant: sickipedia.

 

You couldn't cut and paste one of jokes like this...?


I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now... I reached for my youngest daughter's top - it came off with little resistance.

Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor.

Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her My Little Pony panties I could feel they were already really, really damp...

Anyway, I'd better finish getting the rest of the washing in - it's raining and my Parkinsons isn't making it any easier.

 

Yeah I read that one the other day, it's pretty hilarious! I like to post jokes here though that someone's told me rather than I've taken off a website, it feels more authentic that way.

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

 

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:$24.00

Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off..

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

To anyone who has played an mmo recently.

 

Fee-Fo-Fee Fo-Fo-Fi-Fee

Spoiler

Mike Tyson's phone number.

 

What's the best thing about twenty three year olds?

There's twenty of them.

 

Which wood cannot float?

Natalie Wood.