who needs a laugh

When I was 3 years old, I was playing with one of those things, and I was trying to get the square peg and the round hole. I kept pushing and pushing, but it would not fit. So I started smashing it into the opening, determined to make it fit, until my fingers bled. Fortunately, I grew out of this before I could become a Republican and do the same thing with healthcare.

Ba-dum tish.

No, seriously, true story.

 

What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

 

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his.

He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

 

A Hells Angel gets killed and goes to hell. He'd been a bad man all his life and it was fully expected. So the first day he's there he meets Satan, among the heat and the flames (hells main torture), and Satan asks him "Hot enough for you", the Hells Angel replies "Yes, I love the heat, it reminds me of rising throught the desert, on my bike, on a hot day, with no helmet, feeling the sun on my face".

So Satan isn't very happy about this, and turns up the heat. The next day Satan and the Hells Angel meet again and it's even hotter and the flames are leaping even higher, and Satan asks "Hot enough for you?", and the Hells Angel replies, "Oh, yes I like this more, the hotter the better. It reminds me of when I worked in the bakery, and the heat from the ovens burned my face. I love the heat". So Satan thinks again, and realises that hotter is not better and turns all the heating off.

Hell is now all snow and ice. So the next day Satan skates up to the Hells Angel and the Hells Angel says to him "Have they made a new series of Farscape now?"

 

*wipes a tear from his eye*
Sometimes I really love you.
*sniff*
(still misses Farscape)

 

Awwwwww. I'm loved.

 

Although I'm not sure why anyone would miss Farscape after the ending...

 

They got canceled as a surprise.
They thought they were going to be renewed, so they did the typical cliff-hanger ending for the season, not knowing it would be the series finale.
Fortunately, they were able to make the movie and tie you the loose ends.

 

For shame on you guys. The "Who needs a laugh?" thread is not to be used as a conversation ground. Even Arthgon knows that.

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

 

You are correct, Fish. I am proberly abashed.

The usual threesome of an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were
drinking in a bar in Wales and comparing it to their own local drinking
establishment.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy
the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub,
the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough
drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the
house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true.

“Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times.”

 

Oh, it wasn't the cliffhanger ending that bothered me. I just think the whole thing was in a steady decline after the first couple of seasons... Occasional spike, sure, but it got so whacked out later on trying to cover up plot holes that I found myself constantly confused.

...And damnit, now I have to watch it again. That means finding a copy somewhere. Argh.

 

You like to cut with the dull edge of the knife, don't you?

 

I think he's trying to cut with a soup spoon, actually.

 

What's wrong with the dull edge of the knife?

I was trying to write out my last post when Fish posted. An atonement:
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "what'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

And now I'm off to watch a decent cheesy sci-fi drama like Babylon 5...

 

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

 

Inky quills, EVERYONE should know that by now. *rolls eyes*

What's the difference between George W. Bush and a bucket of slime?

There's a chance the bucket of slime will achieve sentient thought.

(I know, I know, WAY too late, I do not give a shit.)

 

Answer is "Haven't the slightest idea" since it's intended to be unsolvable.

There are lots of different answers that have been postulated over the years. Inky quills is one. Because Poe wrote on both is another.

Lewis Carol's answer years after the book (which he intended the riddle to have no answer) was "Because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front."

My personal favorite was Alduous Huxley's answer: "Because there is a B in both and N in neither." It's as absurd as the riddle itself.

 

Q: What does an elephant use as tampon?

A: A sheep

Q: Why did Senator Hillary Clinton decide run for office?

A: She'd already been President for 8 years.

Actual Police quotes :

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

 

D’you know why American beer is like having sex in a canoe?



’Cause they’re both fucking close to water.

 

One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard day's work. As they approached the house, they heard some sounds coming from the garden.

Their curiosity aroused, they stood on each others' shoulders until finally one of them could see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the Prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulders he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince."

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says:

"They`re Kissing"

Again the chain starts:
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re ......."

"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off............"

"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both........."

"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to.........."

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, so she gets up to investigate.

The dwarf at the top sees this and says:

"She`s Coming"

"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"