who needs a laugh

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'It would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'
HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: 'shit.'

 

Puppy, that was awesome. (You should never have said we can call you puppy. I'm tempted to buy you a collar and make you my pet.)

***

This old man is told he's got advanced cancer and he only has three months to live. Seeing as how he's rich as hell but doesn't have any children, he decides to spend what time he has left living it up.

He goes to Vegas and, after several nights of big-bucks poker and blackjack, he sees a stunningly georgeous woman in the lobby to his hotel. He's not got anything left to lose, so he figures 'what the hell, why not?'

"Excuse me miss," he says to her. "I think you're incredibly beautiful and I'll give you one million dollars to sleep with me."

The woman looks at him for a few moments then agrees. They go back to his room and have mindblowingly good sex.

Lying there, the old man feels the need to speak. "If I'd known you were a virgin, I'd have offered you more money."

The woman smiles at him and says, "If I'd known you could get it up, I'd have taken my stockings off."

 

That was hysterical. Of course, speaking from experience, the sex couldn’t have been that great. Unless,…well, never mind.

What kind of collar??

***

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close
look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

 

What kind do you prefer? *dirty grin*

***

A sweet old grandmother goes to visit her grandson one day, and is surprised to find that his parents are nowhere to be found, even though the car is at home.

"Where are your parents?" she asks the boy.

"In bed," says the boy, giggling.

Shrugging, she spends some time watching TV with her grandson and then goes to get some sweets from the corner shop. She gets back and realises that it's lunchtime and the parents are still in bed.

"Where are your parents?" she asks the boy.

"Still in bed," says the boy, giggling even more.

She spends the afternoon playing with her grandson and his dog in the backyard, but then the sun goes down and they go back inside. His parents are still in bed!

"Where are your parents?" she asks the boy.

"Still in bed," says the boy, giggling.

"Why are you giggling?" she asks him.

"Because daddy came downstairs last night and asked me to find the Vaseline and take it to him and mummy in their bedroom! I gave him the super glue instead!"

 

What's small and walk through the forest with lots of necklaces?

Paulus the forest pimp.

What is digging in the ground and does' nt have a headach?

A Paracetamole.

 

There've been some great jokes, so I'm gonna double up.

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."



King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

 

You win this thread. :lol: I scared the cat, I'm laughing so hard.

 

Thought I'd just post the whole thing...
***
Things I Will Do If I Am Ever the Vampire

1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action.
They'll still be there when he is dead.

2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?

3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.

4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.

5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.

6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be equipped with claymores [mines] designed to shred the body of anyone who opens it.

7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.

8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.

9. I will wear _white_ clothing, which does not set off my pallor as obviously as black.

10. If I can't avoid wearing black all the time, and acting wierd, I will go to bars which cater to that sort of clientele. It would make it more difficult for the hero to pick me out of the crowd.

11. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on killing him anyway so what's the point?

12. I will not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centiuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.

13. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.

14. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he throws something through it at sunrise.

15. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That would goad the Hero into making an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.

16. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny and disobedient.

17. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing and can also distract the Hero.

18. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.

19. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.

20. I will have one of my Entranced Subjects constantly observing the Hero and his party. I always want warning if they go to a lumber yard.

21. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero or his friends.

22. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize people when there might be witnesses.

23. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce, attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they have express consent from me.

24. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.

25. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I.......am......Dra. ....cu.....la."

26. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.

27. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.

28. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.

29. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.

30. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.

31. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.

32. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.

33. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.

34. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.

35. I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably...

36. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.

37. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs.

38. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.

39. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.

40. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first.

41. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.

42. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.

43. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.

44. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.

45. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.

46. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.

47. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi.

47a. And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).

48. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtably be ways to destroy me.

49. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.

50. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.

51. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.

52. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.

53. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.

54. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.

55. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of my apparent age.

56. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a fellow vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated they have the ability to destroy me.

57. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if I really want more of us running around.

58. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or plastic. No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.) But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab me with it.

59. I will keep important bits of my home flooded with a non-flammable poisonous gas at all times. Not needing to breathe is a usefull skill.

60. As cancer isn't a particularly large concern for me, I'll wear asbestos clothing.

61. I will make lots of long term investments.

61a. With the great wealth I get from that, I shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood, or a palatable imitation thereof. Then I can go to McDonalds instead of bothering the hero's womenfolk.

62. While it may offend my dignity, whining incessantly will indicate that I am the protagonist, and will enable me to avoid the attentions of Heros.

63. As cute as the Vampire Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are not capable of destroying me.

64. I will not engage a "Vampire Slayer" in martial arts combat, as that seldom seems to work out well.

65. If I find out that there is a "Vampire Slayer" living in the vicinity, I will consider moving elsewhere, regardless of the advantages confered by that particular location.

66. When faced with a gang of spunky kids determined to stop my evil schemes, I will consider surrender. Or mailbombs.

67. I will put on lots of makeup and fur, and howl at the moon every once in a while. This should confuse the hero, and will probably enable me to get away with a silver bullet or two.

68. I will not consider property crimes beneath my dignity. Carjacking is a good source of income, and I don't have to worry much about the possibility of something going wrong.


Credit to: The population of rec.arts.sf.written.

 

All these have been unashamedly stolen from the Best Lines Ever thread over at Wizards of the Coast. It's funny shit.

***

Efficiency: Using area of effect spells in tandem to perform horrific acts of genocide for the express purpose of weeding out a single demon.
~ Rickiel

***

"By 'quietly,' I mean 'Fireball'."
~ Crystal Monk

***

'There's no such thing as overkill! A smear on the ground does not regenerate, and I'd like to see a necromancer find a use for it!'
~ howlingwolf

(This one is a personal saying now. I have a Warmage who's going to use this as justification for a lot of havoc.)

***

There are 4 boxes to use in the defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, ammo. Use in that order.
~ ShadowDragon8685

***

"Run!? NO! I dont care if he's 12 feet tall, breathing fire, wielding two giant axes and ... what? He is? Well in that case, lead on my good man."
~ Jiquepe

***

"We aim to please. Right between the ribs."
-Motto of the fiendish arsenal
~ kliate

(I'm using THAT next time I GM the evil game.)

***

I lob a small furry animal at the dragon.
~ Deacon Liadon

(Grey Bag Of Tricks FT-Fucking-W.)

***

That's all for now...

 

Absolute gold.

Found on a package of 100% recycled toilet paper:
"No artificial colours or flavours."

 

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks,
and there are only 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with Bob
and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a
while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and
the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible and immoral about what they were doing.


So........they buried Debbie.

 

Something I found back in 2000, when I was still in the Service.
----------------
The original of that was "Murphey's Rules for Combat":

• 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
  4. The easy way is always mined.
  5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
  7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
  ...1. When you're ready for them.
  ...2. When you're not ready for them.
  8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
  9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
  10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
  12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
  13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
  14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
  15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
  16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
  17. Remember, the weapon you're using was built by the lowest bidder.
  18. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
  19. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
  20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
  21. A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
  22. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
  23. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
  24. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
  25. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

 

26. Never attempt to charge the enemy over an empty field.

 

From back in 2001, when I used to play EQ.
Author unknown.
---------------------
Your gaming is interrupted.

A significant other glowers at you dubiously -- looks kind of dangerous.
You say, "Hail a significant other."
A significant other says, "Your foul deeds have earned my contempt."
A significant other says, "Get off that thing and [take] out the [garbage]!"
You say, "I cannot take out the garbage. I am next on the list for this spawn!"
Your faction standing with SignificantOther got worse
A significant other glares at you threateningly -- looks like quite a gamble.
A significant other says 'Your actions and history are a personal affront to all I stand for.'
A significant other begins to cast a spell.
You feel an icy stare on your back.
A significant other says, "Turn it [off] now or I am going to smash that [computer] with this frying pan!"
You say, "I will turn off the computer after I get the spawn!"
Your faction standing with SignificantOther got worse
A significant other scowls at you, ready to attack -- what would you like your tombstone to say?
A significant other says, "Hssssssssssss."
A significant other says, "Ugly creature near my beau - I think that you'll be good to throw"
A computer flies backwards.
You are now A.F.K. (Away From Keyboard).
A significant other says, "Computers have no place in our house!"
A significant other crushes a computer for 1159 points of damage.
A computer's corpse01 says, "Phzzzt!"
Reality goes amok.
A significant other says "It's games like that which have ruined your life, You'll not ruin mine!"
A significant other bashes YOU for 296 points of damage.
You are stunned!
A significant other says, "Your faithless devotion to a false world leaves me no choice."
A flying vase hits YOU for 1021 points of damage.
You have been knocked unconscious!
A significant other says "For the protection of all relationships, there shall be no mercy for your kind."
A significant other crushes YOU for 982 points of damage.
You have been slain by a significant other!
A significant other says "Ahhh, I feel much better now..."
LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...

 

This made me laugh so hard I had food stuck in my nose.

On Irish "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", the chap was answering the million dollar question:
Which of these birds do NOT live in a tree?
A. Sparrow B. Cuckoo C. Jackdaw D. Parrot"

The man didn't know the answer, but had his "Phone-a-Friend" lifeline left. His friend said, "Cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"How sure."

"One hundred percent."

Cuckoo was the right answer, and the man won the million dollars.

The host called the friend back and asked him how he knew the answer.

"Well, I have a cuckoo at home. He lives in my cuckoo clock."

 

This is a simple one, but it's one of my favorites.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?





Two, but how'd they get in there?

 

What's pink and fluffy?



...pink fluff.


What's blue and fluffy?





...pink fluff holding its breath.

 

What is white and worthless?

Broken White.

What is blue and not heavy?

Light Blue.

 

Q: What did all the animals say when the saw Tarzan swinging through the jungle?
A: “There goes Tarzan swinging through the jungle.”




Q: What did all the animals say when the saw Tarzan swinging through the jungle wearing a Hawaiian Shirt?
A: “There goes Tarzan swinging through the jungle wearing a Hawaiian Shirt.”




Q: What did all the animals say when the saw Tarzan swinging through the jungle wearing swimming trunks?
A: “There goes Tarzan swinging through the jungle wearing swimming trunks.”




Q: What did all the animals say when the saw Tarzan swinging through the jungle wearing sun glasses?
A: Nothing. They didn’t recognize him.

 

More awesome unashamedly stolen from the now sadly closed 'Best Lines Ever' thread at Wizards.com

***

Warlock: I took you and your guards out without using any magic. If you really intend on attacking me again, I suggest villagers with pitchforks, torches, scythes and dragons.
~ TheUnknownZombie

***

Priest: If it's of any consolation, no sane woman would be in love with a fox.
Rogue-Mage: Who ever said I wanted a sane woman?
~ Rickiel

***

Rogue-Mage: *makes a spellcraft check* Oh my...more fireballs...what am I ever to do. *Fireball goes off, Rogue-Mage is untouched, deadpanned look on his face* Okay berks, for the last time... I'M IMMUNE TO MISTER FLAME FLAME!!!
~ Rickiel

***

Raz: I swear in the name of my king, I am not here to commit larceny, heroic theft, freeing of slaves, nor am I here to dispense justice against tyranny.
(Note: Raz has no King)
~ Rickiel

***

Fletcher: "This is a trap."
Freddo: "But Sektor would know we'd expect it to be a trap, so surely he wouldn't-"
Fletcher: "-look, just trust me on this. I'm the Rogue."
Zebias: "Maybe we should think-"
Fletcher: "-No. Disarming traps is like an erection; the more you think about it, the harder it gets."
~ Wargamer

***

Rogue: "Please, just don't tell the others. I'll never do this again. I give you my word."
Monk: "I know a handful of words worth the same as yours, but my mother taught me not to use them in mixed company."
~ Bulletproof Condom

***

"It doesn't matter if it's arcane magic, divine magic, truenaming, incarnium, binding, or even artifice. To the guy on the receiving end of that lightning bolt, it still hurts."
~ Slightly Unscrewed

***

There are many ways to be reminded that you forgot to check the control codes. Weapons shutting down, your sensors going blind, other ships sneaking past you, even the replicators not working. Some reminders are worse then others.
A ship, antimatter fuel and full torpedo compliment included, slamming into you at high warp, ranks fairly high up on the "bad" list, just below "Space time implodes" and just above "The replicators start dispensing hand grenades"
~ ShadowDragon8685

***

“Is it really necessary to have more explosives than the climax of a sci-fi channel original movie?”
~ hiryuu

***

The party hears horrible explosions and screams, only to see Dan return a few minutes later, triumphantly holding the key up.
Rogue: "But...there were all those locks, and traps, and monsters, and...how?"
Dan: "Old warmage trick."
Rogue: "Do I want to look?"
Dan: "...probably not."
~ cog_n_taz
(Speaking as a dedicated Warmage/Rogue/Arcane Trickster... said trick is a Sudden Maximised Empowered Twinned Fireball. )

***

"That marks the first time Magic Missile has missed in over two decades. Welcome to 4th Edition."
~ Edge of Oblivion
(Fuck you, 4E.)