who needs a laugh

A drug addict who was in serious hunger for marihuana finds a genie bottle. He rubs it and then, of course, a genie conmes out:

[Genie]: Master, you have three wishes to say. Choose anything in the world and it will be granted to you, but not more than three wishes can I grant you.
[Drug Addict]: Awsome! I haven't got any weed for days. One joint for me and one joint for you!
[Genie]: Em, okay master, as you wish.

They smoke their weed, the genie, not used to drugs, feels sick, returns to his bottle, gets out after a minute.

[Genie]: Emm, yes. Second wish, my master?
[Drug Addict]: Jolly day, another round, one joint for me and one for you!
[Genie]: You moron, you can have everything in the world and you want one joint?!
[Drug Addict]: One for me, and one for you. Come one, I feel the hunger returning, lets smoke.

Genie waves his hands, after a second they smoke. The genie is getting confused, returns to his bottle, after a few minutes he gets out.

[Genie]: Okaaaay mastaa... You have only one wish left. Listen to me, one fuckin' wish. Don't screw up this time.
[Drug Addict]: One joint for me oand one for you!
[Genie]: Argh! I have enough of this shit. Well whatever, at least it's the last one.

They smoke the third time and the genie returns to his bottle. The drug addict just lays there enjoying his hallucinations.
After an hour the bottle starts to shake.
The genie gets out of the bottle, all pale, with red eyes, and with hope asks:
[Genie]: SOOOO.... What is you fourth wish, my master??

 

I finally finished this thread. Damn it all. My contribution, though it is weak compared to what I have seen so far...

Two hicks own a marijuana farm. One day, they're going to sell some of their produce to the local mafia. The smarter of the hicks says to his brother: "Remember to be very respectful and not to do anything stupid."

So his brother dresses up for the occassion in a shirt that says 'FBI: Female Body Inspector' dressed on it. Of course the smarter hick is dismayed.

"What are you doing? You're going to get us shot. Take that shirt off this instant."

The brother complies, but asks: "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act around these people."

"Just be nice," says the smarter hick. "Who knows, maybe they'll have a similar interest as us, in a sport or something. If so, just discuss that with them."

So they arrive at the meet with their marijuana. The brother, not having time to get a new shirt, is standing there barechested when the mob boss arrives. These are a bunch of mean looking fellows, some of which have fists the size of hams. The mob boss looks at the brother's hairy chest and smirks.

"You look like you've been fuckin' babes all morning, you stud," he says. The brother is pleased with this, so he replies in kind.

"I'd imagine you must have been fuckin' a hot girl all morning long, too, right?"

The two laugh about this for a moment, and then the mob boss's cell phone rings.

"Hold on a moment, it's my sister," the boss says.

"See?" says the brother. "She's back for more."

 

You know why I get excited about camping?

...because it's in tents.

 

Did you hear about the guy who was cooking out at the park and caught his arm on fire?

He got arrested... for waving a firearm in public!



EDIT: Yes, I'm fully aware of how lame this joke is.

 

A woman can fake an orgasm for a relationship.......

But a man can fake a relationship for an orgasm!

 

How does a fruit turn into a vegetable?

AIDS.

 

Job interview, London:

-Do you speak english ?
-Yes!
-Name?
-Abdul al-Rhazib.
-Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
-No, no...I mean male or female?
-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
-But isn't that hostile?
-Horse style, doggy style, any style!
-Oh dear!
-No, no! Deer run too fast...

 

It's not exactly a joke, but it's a fact, and it's gonna make people laugh anyway....

Before he went into hiding - before the Americans captured him - Saddam Hussein used the Arabic version of the Whitney Housten version of Dolly Parton's "And I Will Always Love You" for his political campaigns.

It sound exactly the same, except the words are in Arabic.

"So he did, in fact, have weapons of mass destruction...."

 

How are marriage and cancer the same?

They both make part of you die

 

A stoner boy asked his grandmother one day, "Granny, have you seen my pills? They are marked L-S-D."

To which Granny swiftly replied, "Fuck them pills! Have you seen them dragons in the kitchen?!"

 

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

Prince Charles is driving up the loooooooooooooong driveway to Buckingham Palace one day, when he runs over one of the queen's corgis!

Horrified, he leaps out of the car and runs to the dog, hoping that it can be taken to a vet and saved. The poor thing is already dead, squashed flat. Even worse, he checks the collar and it's the Queen's favourite corgi!

Unable to think of anything else to do, he decides to bury the corgi. He starts digging away in the nearest lawn, and lo and behold he finds an old battered lamp. He absently rubs some of the dirt and, as often happens in such tales, out pops a genie.

"You have freed me, your majesty, so I shall grant you one wish before I leave," the genie says.

"Can you do something to help my mother's corgi?" he asks.

The genie studies the corgi for a moment then gives Charles an 'are-you-fucking-nuts?' look. "No way. That dog is dead, gone, moved on. You'll have to think of something else."

Charles thinks long and hard before coming up with a new wish. "Alright. I'd like you to make Camilla Parker-Bowles beloved by the entire nation."

The genies goes :-o for a moment. "... Let's have another look at the corgi, shall we?"

 

--Primordial Poker--

--Primordial Poker--

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.
Order: Huh?
Evil: Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
Truth: My opposite is not here.
Good: Is your opposite Lies?
Truth: My opposite is Void. He couldn't make it.
Evil: *snicker* Figures!
Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five? This table
is made for six!
Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
Good: I have the cards.
Evil: I've got the chips.
Truth: I have the beer.
Chaos: I have the cards!
Order: Shut up.
...
Order: Whose deal is it?
Evil: Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
Truth: It is Good's deal.
Good: OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?
Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
Order: I like this game.
Evil: This is pointless.
Truth: It is time to deal.
Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Truth: Five.
Order: Five and raise you five.
Evil: Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
Order: I like ten better.
Evil: *sigh* Call.
Chaos: I fold.
Evil: YOU CAN'T LOSE!
Chaos: I still fold.
Good: OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
Evil: What's the point in taking more cards?
Truth: I will keep the cards I have.
Order: I will take two.
Evil: Why?!?
Order: I didn't like those.
Evil: None for me.
Chaos: I'll take six.
Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
Good: Where did you get that card?
Truth: He stole it from Chaos.
Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
Good: That was a stupid game.
Order: Whose deal is it?
Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
Chaos: Whee!

all but Chaos: *groan*

Chaos: Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing...
Order: I fold...

 

Here's one that my brother told me this morning and if it's against any rules feel free to delete it.


Who would win in a fight, a nazi or a black panther?

A nazi because paper covers rock.

 

^^ :lol:


An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck...He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

 

A recently divorced lawyer is wandering down a beach late one evening when he finds a strange bottle in the sand. He rubs absently at it and out pops - you guessed it - a genie!

"You have released me, so I will grant you three wishes," says the genie, "but remember that your ex-wife will get double whatever you wish for."

"I wish for ten billion dollars," the lawyer says.

"Your wish is granted," says the genie, "but your ex-wife just got twenty billion dollars."

"I wish for an expensive, elegant mansion in the nicest part of Florida, filled with willing and attractive sexual partners."

"Your wish is granted," says the genie, "but your ex-wife now has two mansions filled with sexual partners."

The lawyer grins a grin that would scare Satan himself.

"I wish to be beaten half to death."

***

A motto for all women: Live your life in such a way that, when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan himself looks up and says 'FUCK, SHE'S AWAKE!'

 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients
were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and
looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'

 

Black Humor!

- Harry: " I don't want to go to England!"
His father: " Stop nagging, and keep swimming!"

- Jim has kicked Alice in the eye, and now her eye is closed.
Alice said to Jim: " If you do it again, I shall never look at you again."