who needs a laugh

That's just what I was wondering when I read it, Grimm.
Oh, and you need at least one joke per post in this thread...


Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

Didn't you get the joke?


How many letters are there in the alphabet?

Noel, noel, noel, noel ... the angels did say...

E.T. went home.

Get rid of X. There's too many unknowns in the world already!

(Only one vowel left, or is that "Anly ana vawal laft" This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say: Good day, A!

And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it's safe to count them out.

And of course, Y not.

We might as well put off using U until later in the year: See U in September

TWA just took off!!

 

Oh ok. I can't really remember any jokes, but

I can still remember Julie Torlentino
The dancin' Philipino
We used to run around.
Her and Flowncin' Freddie
Were goin' out steady.
Now she runs a dyke bar, the biggest one in town.

I don't get Swedish humor, ey.

 

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"


Well, if you'd get it you should be doing a "ROFL" or a "LMAO".

 

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

The first joke you told was the best one, because you didn't copy it from somewhere else.

 

Colonel Jiones is a fun lad.


What makes you think that I copyed it from a joke-site?

Edit: Sorry, here's a funny one:

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

 

Are are there no Iranians on Star Trek?

Because it's set in the future!

 

At around 9:30 at night, two Irishmen, Seamos and Pat, are wandering through Dublin trying to find a good pub, but neither of them have any money.
Seamos says, "Pat, you know all of the pub owners here hate gays."
"What of it?"
"Well, I happen to have a wrapped sausage in my pocket from lunch. I'll put it in my fly and you start sucking on it when it's time to pay the bill."
"And it'll get us kicked out of the pub without paying!"
So they enter a pub and they each grab a few pints. The bartender approaches to hand them the bill, so Seamos unzips his fly and lets Pat go to town on the sausage. They're immediately thrown from the pub.
They do this over and over, in every pub in Dublin.
Close to 3 in the morning, Pat, properly soused, turns to Seamos.
"I'm drunk of my ass, and my mouth is gettin' sore, Seamos. I can't do this anymore!"
Seamos looks back at Pat, saying,
"I know what you mean, Pat...I lost the sausage five hours ago!"

 

Two nuns were in the bath.

One says, "Where's the soap?"

The other says, "Does, doesn't it?"

Glad to see you still about Retard. Where's nobodie? Has anybodie seen nobodie?

 

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."



Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

 

A man is lying on his deathbed. His wife sits at his bedside holding his hand and praying silently. He looks up and says weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need," she replies.
"No," he insists, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, her best friend, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replies. "Now be still and let the poison work."

 

A man stepped onto a bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled woman kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after noticing her many glances, he said, "It's golf balls."
"Oh," she said. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

 

http://idiot.se/category/humor/

The site in in sweidsh, but most of the pictures aren't. The China signs are just the best.

 

Two old, slightly down-on-their-luck Jews are walking down the street when they see a sign outside a Catholic church. The sign says "Convert and we'll give you fifteen dollars." David looks at Ben and says,
"I could really use that fifteen, Ben, I'm thinking of doing it."
"Are you kidding me?" Ben asks. "Don't you know what those Catholics have done to our people? The Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition?"
"I'm really thinking of doing it."
"Don't do this to me David."
"I'm going to do it."
David walks into the church and comes back about ten minutes later.
"I'm a Catholic now," David says.
"Did you at least get the fifteen dollars?" Ben asks.
"Is that all you people think about?"


A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Ask about our Free Beers" on the wall.
"So how about those free beers?" he asks the bartender.
"You gotta do three things," the bartender says. "Knock out that bouncer over there, pull a tooth from the Rottweiler in the back room, and fuck that old broad sitting over there." The bartender gestures to a decrepit, wrinkled hag sitting in the corner nursing a bottle of Wild Turkey and grimacing at everyone with her one good eye.
"Okay," the guy says. He walks over to the bouncer, who's this tattooed mountain of muscle. The guy does a flying knee to the bouncer's chin, knocking him out instantly. He then vaults over the bar and charges into the back room, slamming the door shut behind him. Painful yelps come from the door for a few minutes, and then the guy runs back out and jumps over the bar again.
"Okay," he says. "Now where's that old lady who's tooth I gotta pull?"