who needs a laugh

Actually seen on a billboard:

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bumpetybump

 

I was buying a large bag of Lucky dog Dry dog food at Safeway and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Lucky dog Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 Kilo's before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Lucky dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, but that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

 

An Alabama preacher said to his Congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.

A woman fainted from sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, the Jamaican returned to the bar.

The bartender said: "Are you the father of the baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth?

The Jamaican nodded.

"How much does he weigh now?" Someone wanted to know.

The father answered, "Nineteen pounds."

Everyone was puzzled. "What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth. Is he sick?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, and said:

"Nope, not sick...

...had him circumcised."

 

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. one day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested they take
the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those lazy cunts at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking drywall..."

 

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!. In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MON!!!"

 

This skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The black guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What exactly did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy replies, "Turner Brown?....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, turn around."

 

A woman walked up to a Scotchman wearing a kilt and asked what it was he wore under it."Och mun,poot yer hund up and find oot",said the Scotchman.
The woman does and withdraws quickly squeeling"It's gruesome"
The scothchman replied "Put yr hund up agin and yrl find it's grew-some more"

 

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

 

A missionary working overseas was walking through the jungle with a native.
As they walked, the missionary pointed to different things and pronounced their names...
Such as..
Tree..
Grass...
Monkey..etc.
Soon, they came upon another native making love to a woman under a bush.
Completely taken off guard, the missionary quickly said, "Man riding bike."
The native screamed an awful scream and rushed at the pair, killing the other native with his spear.
The missionary was mortified!
"Why did you kill him?" He asked.


The native replied, "My bike."

 

Heh, that made my smile.

One of the best lines I've ever heard:

I like my women like I like my peanut butter, extra chunky, with an easy off top.

 

My favourite-

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
..................................................................
Nothing. You've already told her twice.

 

You like those jokes too?
I've got tons. Some are creepy, but should get a little laugh. Note; I made up a lot of them.
I like my women like I like my busses; Big, yellow, and full of children.
I like my women like I like my fish; Chopped up and in my freezer.

Let me know if you want to read more.

 

I feelthat more could've been done with the fish one Gross.
But please tell more, I think they are great. Hopefully Vyenna, Bunny or Xiao wont come in here though......

 

This amused me, and hopefully you too! Oh, and Telcintar you get 10 lashes to be given by Nobody forn't posting a joke.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

 

......... I see the concpt but I just dont find it funny. Is there such a thing as blowing a "funny-fuse"?

 

I like my women like I like my briefs; hugging my cock.
I like my women like I like my coffee; black and a little nutty.

 

Heres one from Maddox, not making sense but it really caught my eye-

Q: Why did the little girl drop her balloon?
A: Because she was getting raped in the face.

 

From Brainiac: Where would the world be without rhetorical questions?