who needs a laugh

What's brown and white, lives in the forest, and has no mother?
Bambi.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they screw?
They have cotton balls.

 

Just to prove that I still love you fuckers.....



John Howard was in England meeting the Queen at Balmoral. They were discussing Australia and Howard's plans for the future. Howard asks the Queen if it would be possible to turn Australia into a Kingdom to increase its force in the world market. The Queen replies "one needs a king for a kingdom - and you are most certainly not a king."

He then asks if it would be possible to turn Australia into an Empire. The Queen replies "For an empire you need an emperor - you are most certainly not an emperor."

Howard thinks for a moment, and after recovering from the stress he asks if it would be possible to turn Australia into a Principality. The Queen replies "For a principality you need a prince and you, Mr. Howard, are certainly not a prince."

The Queen adds further "Without wishing to appear rude, Mr. Howard...I think Australia should remain as a Country."

 

A rope walks into a tavern, sits down at the bar and says, "Hey bartender, get me a drink!"
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "We don't serve ropes in here. You'll just have to get your drink some place else. Now get outta my bar!"
The rope, not to be put off so easily, walks outside and throws himself down in the road. Traffic was pretty heavy, so it wasn't long before he was looking pretty frayed and worn. He gets back up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the tavern. "Hey bartender, get me a drink!" he says as he sits down at the bar.
The bartender looks him up and down and says, "Hey, aren't you that rope I just threw outta here?
The rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What the fuck are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband looks up and calmly responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you are fucking out of here!"

 

Why are blacks such good dancers?

They spend the first nine months of their lives dodging coat hangers.

 

What do you call a shift change at McDonalds?











Renigging.

 

Why don't black people like country music?

Everytime they hear about a hoe down, they think some bitch died.

 

Because it seemed noone liked the joke I posted here before (AND it sucked out loud), I'll put a much better one up.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally,
they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female
moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the
costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in
front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d
better brace yourself."

 

Right... so you're entertaining smoky quartz crystals? Moron.

How do you tell if you're in a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.

 

Wow...I knew I spelled everything correctly, but I didn't know I had the wrong WORD in there. Whatever.

Something you just can’t explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to
the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

 

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili
remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

 

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

 

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that the pirate has a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. He says "Hey buddy, you know you've got a steering wheel hanging out of your pants, right?"
The pirate responds, "AAARRRGGGHH!!! Tis drivin' me nuts!"

 

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably out drinking with his mates!!

 

Have you heard that car-makers are moving the dimmer switch back to the floorboard?

Blondes keep getting their foot caught in the steering wheel.

 

Not a joke, exactly, just a brilliant comeback I once found on a Doctor Who and thought was fucking hilarious. (Yads, incidentally, is the most aggravating poster in the history of the internet. We're not sure if he's a horribly malfunctioning spam-bot or someone who drank one too many bottles of Tequila...)

Yads, you couldn't get a Clue if we came for you on Clue Day, gave you the Great Clue of Rassilon, taught you the Clue Dance, dressed you in a Clue costume, drenched you in Clue Musk, and tied you to a tree in the middle of the Clue Rutting Grounds during Clue Mating Season!!

With many thanks to Peter Angelihides, for not only letting me borrow that quote but also writing some truly kick-ass Doctor Who novels.

 

How many orgasms can a woman have in one night?



Who cares?

 

A man was found dead in a parking lot, and a potential ID was made. The police thought he was Dave Jenkins, and they called his close friends, the Taylor twins. They followed Dave everywhere, but they were pretty stupid and rude.
Anyway, they come up to "Dave" and they say, "Yep. He looks like Dave, and has the same tatoo, but we can't really tell who it is until you flip him over."
The doctor complies, but has a puzzled look on his face.
The twins pull down the sheet covering the body and look straight at "Dave's"
ass.
"Nope, it ain't him."
"Alright, but why did you tell me to flip him over before you gave the ID?"
"Dave's got two assholes."
"What?"
"Yeah, when ever we'd walk down the street, people would point at us and say 'Here comes Dave and his two assholes!'"
...That joke was funnier 7 years ago.
Here's a good one:
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

 

Top 10 Greatest Pickup Lines:

1. Baby, you look so good you'ld make a fat man hungry.

2. Lemme get some gravy on them buns?

3. Hey bitch, if you sit, beg, and rollover, maybe I'll give you a treat.

4. Damn girl, you got breasts, thighs, AND legs in that bucket.

5. Girl, you smell so delicious. Like barbeque, I could just eat you all up.

6. Damn girl, you're even cuter than your mom.

7. Hey baby, baby, baby, you ever get your asshole liked by a fat man in an overcoat?

8. Baby, you my kind of girl! Like peanut butter, extra chunky with an easy-off top.

9. Girl, I'm a make you feel better than a fat kid in at Denny's.

10. Yo, I bet them titties bounce like basketballs when you on top. Wanna see?