who needs a laugh

ONE THOUSAND POSTS!!!!!!!!!.


spread the word kiddies, today I am a god.

 

What indeed Xz?

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

 

Very disappointing Xz..... very disappointing.


A male whale and a female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan, when they notice a whaling ship.
The male whale recognises it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He says to the female whale, 'Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'
They try it and sure enough, the ship turns over and quickly sinks.
Soon however, the whales realise that the sailors have jumped
overboard and are swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male is enraged that they are going to get away and says to the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.'
But the female is reluctant to follow him. 'Look,' she says, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'

 

Q: How many Jews does it take to go through a bar of soap?

A: None, gas doesn't melt soap.

 

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?". The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

 

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

 

That one was actually good

 

DAMMIT, Wolfsbane, you CAN'T post without telling a joke! :x And now I have to tell one, gee.

A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.
Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."
Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."
Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."
Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

 

Jeez, cool down. I didn´t know that. And now, to repair the damage done, I´ll tell TWO jokes!


A bear and a rabbit were sitting next to eachother in the forest, both doing the number-two. The bear finished, but then he looked down. He now looked nervously around him, as for searching for something. Then he asked the rabbit:
"Um... I know this is a strange question... But, have you ever had problems with poo getting stuck in your furr?

The rabbit looked down, then up, and answered that:
"No, I haven´t"
"Oh, great!"

The bear said and whiped himself with the rabbit.

No.2

One year later, the two of them met again. The rabbit had found something awsome, he said, and the bear naturally wondered what it was. The rabbit revealed the awsome thing, and it showede to be an ancient oil-lamp. The rabbit then shaked it, and out of the lamp came a ghost.
"Thank you for releasing me!" The ghost said, "For doing this, I will reward both of you with three wishes each!"

The bear pushed aside the rabbit, for he wanted to wish first.
"You can do anything, right?"
"Of course I can!"
"Very well. My wish is that every bear in this forest, save me, becomes a female!"
"Easiest thing in the world."

The ghost said and snapped his fingers. The wish fulfilled.
Now, it was the rabbit's turn to wish.
"I want a MC Helmet!"
"Uh... OK, I guess?"

The ghost replied, and snapped his fingers. A MC helmet appeared on the rabbit's head.
"OK, if you could do that," the bear said, "then I wish that all bears in Sweden, save me, became females!"
"Of course."

The ghost said, and snapped his fingers. The wish fullfilled.
"I want a motorcykle!"
The rabbit demanded.
"Right... Here you are..."

The ghost snapped his fingers, and the rabbit suddenly sat on a huge motorcykle.

"Right, last wish!" The bear said, "I wish that every last bear in THE WORLD, save me, became a female!!!"

"Couldn´t be more easy."
The ghost said and snapped his fingers. The wish fullfilled.

The rabbit started his MC's engine, drove away a few yards and then shouted:

"I WISH THE BEAR TO BE GAY!!!"

And then he drove away to freedom.

 

I shall make no comment other than, thank you Bunny.


One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

 

An American Airlines passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came Swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers. "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.... now, put the tray-up bitch."

 

First jokes for the New Year! w00t!

What do you have if you're holding two little green balls?
Kermit's undivided attention.

Why does Mss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?

Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

 

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think---
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

 

Красноносый седовлас, кто я, дети?
*********************************
Madonna asks some children about her book:
-Have you read my book?
-Yes!
-It's good?
-Yes!
-What was my book about?
-Yes!
**********************************
-Where you were?
-See this book, page 154
-It's teared off the book!
-So, and now: where I was?

 

Дед Тарас.

At a world brewing convention, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of the day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the King of them all, gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das Bier, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ja ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I."

 

Nice Solaris! Here's a long one...

Fred's wife refused to wear underwear, and it drove him crazy. He didn't think it was proper or sanitary or right, but nothing he said persuaded her to mend her ways. But when she caught a bad cold one winter, Fred had a brainstorm. Calling up the family doctor, he said "Doct, I wish you'd come and look in on my wife; she's got a terrible cold. And there's something else you could do for me. You see, she's got this terrible habit of going around without any underwear on, and if you could somehow persuade her that the cold was linked to that, why, I'd pay you double." The doctor came right over and found the woman wrapped in a blanket on the living room sofa, blowing her nose. Looking down her throat, the doctor said, "Mrs. Brown, I'll give you something for this cold... but if you don't start wearing underpants, it's going to bother you all winter."
"You mean to tell me, doctor," she said, "That you can tell from looking down my throat that I'm not wearing panties?"
"That's right," he assured her.
"Well then, would you mind looking up my asshole and letting me know if my hat's on straight?

 

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"
"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.
The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

 

Allright fuckers, I'm back.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and started repeatedly belting the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but just tell me to open my mouth, don't hit me."

 

Great Questions of the Life:

WHY does the round pizza comes in a square box?
WHY does the pizza boy comes earlier than the ambulance?
WHY I need to register at the fortune-teller? Doesn't she already know I will go?
WHY I need to click the "Start button" in order to exit from Windows?
WHY there is artifical flavor in the lemon juice, and real lemon in the detergent?
WHY there is no mouse flavoured cat food?
WHY they don't make airplanes out of the material of black boxes?
WHY do we press the remote control harder, when the batteries are almost died.
WHY do we need to wash the towel? Doesn't we use it only when we are clean?
WHY do the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
WHY they choose the President out of 2 candidates and Miss America out of 50?
WHY don't people died because of burn injuries get a discount off of cremation?
WHY didn't Noe hit those two gnats?
WHY do we need to nail the cover of the coffin?
WHY did I return from holiday?