who needs a laugh

Good one nobodie.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

 

Many moons ago in my backyard, a tall girl named Smiley was walking along, minding her own business. Smiley looked and dressed like Elvis Presley. Suddenly, she saw Bevis, who was ugly and looked a little like Godzilla. Bevis proceeded to paint a pretty girl's motorcycle. The girl's name was Martha.

"Stop, you weasel!" Smiley yelled out. But Bevis started to run away.

Smiley chased Bevis until they both became bored. Bevis could run fast and seemed to be getting away. But then in a final great effort, Smiley caught a taxi cab and surprisingly caught the scoundrel!

Martha was so happy, that she did a cartwheel.

Thus ends a good story.

 

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on a reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him...
"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, " You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The old chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, " Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied...
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it... No Taxes, No Debt, Plenty Buffalo, Plenty Beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine Man was free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night enjoying spouse."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking mates.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night.
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, 'Now, honey, why would you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' she said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those fucking Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!'

 

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass this test you cannot enter Australia."
Mujibar said, "I will try."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes... green green, green green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works at a tech support help deskfor an international ISP.

 

When Billy turned 5, his dad asked him what he wanted for his birthday. Billy thought for a minute, then replied that he wanted a green golf-ball. His dad thinks this is a bit odd, but gets him the golf-ball. From then on, every birthday and Christmas, when his dad asked him what he wanted, he would say "Just a green golf-ball." When Billy graduated highschool, his dad said to him, "Billy, I'm so proud of you. I'm going to buy you a car. What kind of car do you want?" Billy thought for a minute, then said, "Dad, I really don't want a car. Just get me a big bag full of green golf-balls." For his next birthday, Billy's dad offers to give him $1000 to help pay for college. Billy declines and says, "I'd really like it if you got me a truckload of green golf-balls." A few months later, Billy's dad gets a call from the hospital. They say that Billy has been in a serious car accident and doesn't have long to live. Dad rushes to the hospital, and gets there before Billy expires. As Billy is slipping to the brink of death, his dad asks him, "Billy, I just have to know... What's with the green golf-balls?" Billy looks up at his dad and says, "I... I..."

And then he died.

 

How are women different than washing machines?
You don't have to hug a washing machine after you drop a load in it.

How are blondes different than bricks?
After you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around whining for two weeks.

When will women go to the moon?
When they need to clean it.

When do you know it's time to do the laundry and dust your room?
Look in your pants, if there is a penis there, it isn't time.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A young soldier and his commanding officer board
a train headed through the mountains of
Switzerland. They can't find a place to sit
accept for two seats right across the aisle from
a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman
and the young soldier are interested in each
because they are giving each other "looks."

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is
pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a
kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four
sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was
very brash for that young soldier to kiss my
granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is setting there thinking:
"I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough
to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't
missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm
glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my
grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young soldier sat there with a satisfied
smile on his face. He thought to himself:
"Life is good. When does a fellow have the
chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his
commanding officer all at the same time!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

 

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather fit blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,"sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your stunning mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt!?"
No she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher"...

 

I ought to bitch slap you for cutting this joke short. I don't've the patience to tell it properly right now, as it's late, and I'm only going to leave a few short jokes, but I'll be back to post the *true* version of that one later!

Did you hear about the queer indian?
He jumped into a canoe, took three strokes, and shot across the lake.

How about the queer burglar?
He couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

How can you tell if you walk into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Why do gay men have mustaches?
To hide the strech marks.

How can you tell if your roommate's gay?
When his cock tastes like shit.

What do Swedish lesbians use for lubricant?
Tartar sauce.

Why was the fag fired from his job at the sperm bank?
For drinking on the job.

 

Can't stay long, busy playing Winter Assault & Black & White 2, be back soon ish, here's a joke, stop ya bitching,


Playing the front nine of a complicated golf course, the man became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew the hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th hole; you are a hole behind me so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off his stool. Irritated she said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "My company makes toilet paper... so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the men’s room. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the room. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to the men’s room to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring all the fucking customers!".
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the fucking mop bucket!".

 

A bear and a squirrel are taking a shit in the woods nearby each other. The bear asks the squirrel, "Do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The squirrel replies, "No."

The bear says, "That's good," picks up the squirrel and wipes his ass with him, then walks away.

 

A hillbilly farmer who wanted a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer,
The lawyer asked, " How can I help you?".
The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces".
The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?".
The farmer said , "Yes I have 40 acres".
The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a suit?".
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sund'ys".
The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean do you have a case?".
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deer".
The lawyer said, "No, I mean have you got a grudge?".
The farmer said, "Yep, I got a grudge, but it's more like a shed, that's
where I park the John Deer".
The lawyer, becoming frustrated, "Does your wife beat you up or anything like that ?".
The farmer thought for a second and said, "No, we both get up at 4.30 am".
The lawyer then asked, "Is your wife a nagger?".
The farmer said, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that there is the reason I want a dayvorce".

 

Allright fuckers, I'm feeling generous (and about to spend my weekend playing Winter Assault) so here's a bonus for you.

A woman's husband dies. He had $30,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. and of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."

 

There's a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Well, Lena is hired atThe Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry,"he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.''

 

Your momma's so fat that there's a smaller fat woman orbiting around her.

 

General Custer and an Indian scout are on top of a hill overlooking Bull Run when they start to hear drums in the distance.

General Custer says, "I don't like the sound of those drums!"

The Indian scout listens for a second and says, "That's not their regular drummer."






Murphy's Law of Combat Operations

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When they're ready.
b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. All or any of the above combined.

 

The entrance opens. Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. It begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water.
Panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.