who needs a laugh

Here are a couple of, um, politically- incorrect jokes. No offense, in advance..

1. How do you get 1,000 Ethiopians in a car?

Wipe a booger on the dash!

2. How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?

Every last one of them!

3. What do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth?

A rake!

4. What's the fastest animal in the world?

An Ethiopian chicken!

5. What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

The Duck!

Two Pollocks came to America. They were excited about trying an American hotdog. When they first arrived in America, the first thing they did was head to a hotdog stand. "2 hotdogs, please" they told the vendor. They got their hotdogs, and the first Pollock tore off the wrapper. He looked at his first American hotdog for a second, then looked at his buddy and said, "What part of the dog did you get?"

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<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: retard on 2002-01-05 08:14 ]</font>

 

Heres another one, a little bit religious but really good with a moral story .. hehe :lol:


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he had to endure, so he prayed,

"Dear Lord,
I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them
breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home, and then picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill.
Then he drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went
grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 pm, and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop
the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30, he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breadedthe pork chops, and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he
cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9:00 pm, he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed-where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were... but you'll have to wait nine months. You got
pregnant last night." :lol:

 

a final tribute to eros rex/tyr raven

Crazy Rex the Biker walks into a pharmacy and
says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three guys
coming over tonight. I've never had three guys at once,
and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter,
unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small
cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"
and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Then Crazy Rex says, "Gimme three boxes!" The next day,
Crazy Rex walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the
same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist
looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue,
and the skin is hanging off in some places. Crazy Rex says,
"Gimme a bottle of BenGay." The pharmacist replies,
"BenGay?!?!?! You're not going to put BenGay on that are you?"
Crazy Rex says, "No, it's for my arms, the guys didn't show up."

 

EWWW!
you sick man!
to poat THIS here?!
anyway,here's some more jokes:

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and
some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain.
You'll derive from these, great pleasure and greatintellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the badnews?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough of a
blood supply to work one at a time."

 

ok maybe you'll like this one a little more suitable
A young couple were out one evening.
While driving down the road, the guy says to the girl,
"If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring
at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear out of the car, but her clothes
and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that is next to her and says,
"Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas
station down the road." She takes the shoe, covers
herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station
down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells
to the attendant, "Help Me! Help Me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and
replies with some astonishment,
"I think it's too late--he's too far in!"

 

before anyone say's it, yes i know......... but admit it you really weren't that suprised to this here now were you....hmmm?

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

 

1. Two Jews walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kinda joke?!?!"

2. A man walks into a bar and puts something down on the counter. The bartender comes over to see what it is and finds it is a little piano. Sitting at this piano, and playing beautifully, is a one foot tall man, sitting on a little piano bench. The bartender is amazed. "Where did you get such a wonderful thing?" he asks, incredously.

"I found a lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie who said he would grant my one wish," the man replied.

"Do you think the genie could grant me a wish too?" the bartender asked.

"No, I don't think you want to do that," said the man sadly.

The bartender curiously asked, "Why would I not want the genie to grant me a wish?"

"Well," replied the man, "You don't REALLY think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST, do you?"

:rofl:

 

i just spotted these in their folder in the corner of my desktop and i forgot that i wanted to post these on v-day, oh well at least their here now.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyways.

The word of the day is "legs". Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

Nice shoes. Wanna have sex??

Can I flirt with you?

 

De-bump

 

OK, I've got one... be forewarned, it's really terrible.

A GIRL'S FIRST TIME!!! (Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all,it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!

 

Btw, Etalis, do you know that your last name sounds almost like Cindy's?

 

Q: What is wrong with lawyer jokes?











A: Lawyers don't think they are funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes

 

EWWW!
you sick man!
to poat THIS here?!
anyway,here's some more jokes:

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and
some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain.
You'll derive from these, great pleasure and greatintellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the badnews?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough of a
blood supply to work one at a time."

the next line in this would be...
Adam "in that case don't worry about the brain"

 

This couple gave birth to twin boys. As the boys got older, it became apparent that they had two very different personalities. One boy was a pessimist to the extreme, everything was doom and gloom with him. The other boy was an eternal optimist. He saw the good in everything. The parents were concerned about this, so they went to see a child psychologist. "Don't worry," the doctor said. "Here's what you need to do. Give the pessimistic boy the best gifts in the world. Anything and everything you can think of. Give the optimistic boy only one gift, and make sure it is something awful, something that no child would want." So the parents gave the pessimistic boy remote control planes, trains, and cars, and all sorts of neat toys. To the optimistic child, he got a bag with horse-shit in it.

"What do you think of your gifts?" the parents asked the pessimist. "Well, the batteries will die, the toys will break, and I probably won't have very much fun with any of it," he replied.

The parents, seeing that the optimistic boy was running around excitedly, holding his bag full of horse-shit, asked him, "What do you think of your gift, dear?"

"I don't know," he replied eagerly, "But I think I got a horse!!!"

 

A lawyer wakes up after an operation and the blinds in his room are drawn shut. He pages the nurse and asks her why they are closed.
She replies "there was a fire in the building across from your window, we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

 

Pinocio drowned.

 

retard that joke about the twins was fantastic!, BEST JOKE EVER!!!!!
iv'e been laughing at it for about 5 mins now, i love it! and i think i woke up the guy in the flat next door with my laughing..... horse :rofl:

 

It scored bonus points with me for including a reference to shit in a bag :grin:

 

What the optimist/pissimist joke?.. One of the worst ones man. Really what's so funny?

 

I hereby dub you "Retarded loo". May you spread your small mind to future generations that they, too, may infect the gene pool with their inferior intelligence and under-developed sense of humour.

Now go, and find cheap prostitutes with which you may practise your crusade upon!