who needs a laugh

A little boy with a speach impediment went trick-or-treating dressed as a pirate. When he knocked on the door of a home, a man came to the door. "Well, hi there! what are you supposed to be?" he said. The boy thrusts his plastic sword in the air and says, "ARRR! I'm a birate! Can't you see my birate hat, my birate coat, and my birate sword?" The man looks a little puzzled and says, "Well, if you're a pirate, then where are your buccaneers?" The boy points to his ear and says "Here's my buckin ears, now gimme some buckin candy!"

 

What did Batman say to Robin right before they got in the BatMobile?











"Hey Robid, get in the car."



An old Mexican and his grandson were walking through their village one
day. The man points to the cobblestones benieth their feet and says, "You
see this street? I built this street, with these hands. But do they call me
'Carlos the Street Builder?' No. They don't." As they walked on, he pointed
out a house on the street. "You see that house? I built that house. With
these hands. But do they call me 'Carlos the House Builder?' No. They
don't." As they passed by a church, he pointed and said, "You see that
church? I built that church! With my own two hands! These very hands!"
the boy could tell grandpa was getting angry. "But do you think they call
me 'Carlos the Church Builder?' Of course not! I tell you my boy, you can
build many fine things, but you fuck just one goat, and you're a goatfucker for life!"

 

There once was a 10 year old boy named Mike who lived on his father's farm. The boy's biggest joy was tractors. He loved them. He adored them. In fact, without any exaggeration, they were his meaning for living. His roomed was decorated with tractor posters, he made tractor models and he took the greatest of joy in washing his father's tractors.

One day he came home from school and his father announced that he had decided it was time to buy a new tractor for the farm, and that consequently he would be going to the National Exhibition Centre (the ?NEC?) in Birmingham that weekend to pick one out. At this Mike went into tractor overdrive and started to beg his father to take him with him. Eventually his father relented and said "OK, you can come, but only if you finish all your homework and chores for the weekend on Friday night.

Friday night came round and little Mike rushed home from school and sat down to his homework. 30 minutes later (well he was only 10) he was at the kitchen sink doing the washing up and then it was out into the farmyard to wash the tractor. As he rubbed away he thought to himself "this is the last time I do this one, we'll have a new one next week". By 8 o'clock he was finished and it was time for his bath and then to bed.

Saturday morning, 7 o'clock. Mike jumped out of bed and ran downstairs and out to the yard where his father was getting the car ready. Having remembered that he had no clothes on, he ran back into the house, up to his room , got dressed and then ran back down again. Mike's father rebuked him, saying "You're having breakfast before you go" . So after breakfast it was into the car and off to the NEC.

All the way there Mike was looking out of the car window, trying to spot as many type of tractor as he could, much to his father's annoyance. "Will you be still for 1 hour?" A shrimp stood a better chance of surviving in a supernova. Eventually they arrived at the NEC and Mike's dad parked the car.

"Can I have a look around on my own" pleaded Mike. "You must be joking " retorted his father. However, as is the way with small children and some parents, one major tantrum later Mike was wandering around the NEC while his father picked out a new tractor.

The first stand that Mike came to was British and it had a wonderful big red tractor on it. Mike let out a little squeak of joy and jumped in the cab. There were all the usual knobs and dials, but in addition there was a stereo radio cassette. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the tractor on his father's farm and for several minutes he was having great fun. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was well enamoured and communicated this to the salesman in no uncertain terms. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought about this and said "well I only get ?2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman gainfully fought off a heart attack and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike a little bit. However he quickly recovered and headed for the next stand.

The next stand that Mike came to was German and it had a wonderful big yellow tractor on it. Mike let out a slightly louder squeak of joy and jumped in the cab. There were the same knobs and dials and stereo radio cassette, but also wash wipers on all the windows and a CD player attached to the radio cassette. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the British tractor and for several minutes he was having great fun. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was greatly impressed and communicated this to the salesman in no uncertain terms. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought about this and said "well I only get ?2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman gainfully fought off a heart attack and a stroke and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike again. However he recovered and headed for the next stand.

The next stand that Mike came to was American and it had a wonderful big blue tractor on it. Mike let out a loud scream of joy and jumped in the cab. There were the same knobs and dials, stereo radio cassette with CD and wash wipers on all the windows, but in this tractor there was also a microwave oven and a small TV. Now to Mike this was a major improvement on the German tractor and for 25 minutes he had a wonderful time. Then the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was gob-smacked for a moment from the enormity of his joy, but he eventually communicated his joy to the salesman. "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought hard about his answer this time and then said "well I only get ?2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman swallowed what must have been 2 gallons of phlegm and screamed "Get out of my tractor you little %*&$@#&%" which naturally upset Mike greatly. However he recovered with some difficulty and headed for the next stand.

The next stand that Mike came to was Japanese and it had a wonderful, enormous, golden tractor on it. Mike let out a very loud scream of joy which shattered several wine glasses in the near vicinity and jumped into the cab in a single bound. There were the same knobs and dials, stereo radio cassette with CD, wash wipers on all the windows and microwave oven, but this tractor had a widescreen TV with Nicam stereo sound and a small car attached to the back to take you home after a hard day in the fields. Now to Mike this was without doubt the most stupendous tractor he had ever seen and for a whole hour he played all over it. Eventually the salesman arrived. "So what do you think of this model, Sir?" Well Mike was naturally a little cautious about answering this question in light of what had happened so far and merely commented that it was "nice". The salesman realised that he was up against a hard dealer and asked "Would you like to purchase this model Sir?" Mike thought very hard about his answer this time and then said "well I only get ?2 pocket money per week will that cover it mister?" The salesman leaped at Mike, dragged him from the cab and threw him of the stand screaming "Get out of here you little %*&$@#&%".

Now this time Mike was very upset. He ran around the NEC trying to find his father. When he did find him he ran up and was crying so much that his father decided they should go home. All the way home Mike lay on the back seat sniffling, not even bothering to look out of the window. When the car stopped in the farmyard Mike leaped from the car and ran upstairs to his bedroom. Pulling all the posters off the wall and collecting up all his models he ran back downstairs and out into the yard. Piling them all in the yard he set light to them. His parents just stood and watched. Then Mike announced "I'm off down to the pub" Now his parents realised that he wouldn't get into any trouble and let him go.

When Mike walked in to the pub he strolled nonchalantly up to the bar and asked for a pint of beer. Now this surprised the barman as not many 10 year old boys came in, but he gave him a pint of cold tea, knowing that Mike would never know the difference. As Mike sipped his "beer" he glanced around the bar and noticed how smoky it was. Commenting on this, the barman replied that "the chimney blows back a bit and a lot of the customers smoke. Mike contemplated on this and then announced "I can get rid of all this smoke for you". The barman just laughed and said "go on then!".

Mike took a big breath, sucking in all the smoke, and walked outside where he exhaled it. Walking back into the bar, the barman muttered "how the $%&?*~@# did you do that?"

"Oh, it was easy . . . you see, I'm an extractor fan."

 

A boy catches his aunt bathing and asks her:
"Aunt, what is that hole below your stomach?"

Being caught naked by her young, virgin, and innocent nephew, his aunt instantaneously lies to him:
"I dropped the decorative battle axe on the wall there when I was young."

The boy replies with an evil grin:
"A shame that you dropped it right onto your pussy."

PS: Are we comfortable with the word "pussy" in HoL? I don't post much here.

 

A fish was swimming along in his stream one day, and he happens to see a fly hovering several inches above the water. He thinks to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, I'll have me a nice meal." Little did the fish know, he was being watched by a hungry bear. The bear thinks to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to jump out of the water, and that'll be my chance to catch it and have me a nice meal." Little did the bear know, he was being watched by a hunter. The hunter thinks to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to jump out of the water, and that bear will come out of the bushes to get it, and that'll be my chance to take him down." Little did the hunter know, he was being watched by a hungry mouse. The mouse thinks to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, the bear will come out of the bushes, and the hunter will jump up to shoot him, and when he does, he'll drop his sandwich, and I'll have me a nice meal." Well, little did the mouse know, he was being watched by a hungry cat. The cat thinks to himself, "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump out of the water, the bear will come out of the bushes, the hunter will drop his sandwich, and the mouse will run out within striking distance, and I'll have me a nice meal." And sure enough, the fly, unaware of the drama about to unfold, drops six inches. The fish jumps. The bear lunges. The hunter jumps up and takes aim, dropping his sandwich. The mouse runs out to get it, and the cat pounces. Unfortunately, the cat misses the mouse, and splashes into the stream.

So what's the moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

 

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"
The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"

 

Actually Xz, 70 times Gabby's post count is right around 6k. He has closer to probably 25 times his post count. But now, for a joke!

<p>A Jew, a Hindu, and an Irishman were traveling together, and as night fell they came to a little country inn. The innkeeper explained apologetically that only two beds were avilable in the inn but that he would be glad to make up a comfortable cot for the third man in the barn. So the three travelers drew strawws, and it fell upon the Jew to sleep in the barn. </p> <p>In a few minutes there was a knock on the door, to which the innkeeper responded. "I'm so sorry," explained the Jew, "but there is a pig in the barn, and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as a pig."</p> The Hindu had taken the next straw, and out he went. In a few minutes, there was another knock, and the innkeeper opened the door on the Indian fellow. Apologizing gracefully, he explained that his religious persuasion forbade him to share shelter with a cow, and there was indeed such a creature in the barn. </p> <p>Finally, out went the Irishman. In a few minutes, there was yet another knock on the door, which the innkeeper answered. On the sill stood the pig and the cow. </p>

What's eight miles long and has an IQ of forty?
The St. Patrick's Day Parade.

Sammy Davis Jr. stepped onto a bus in Jacksonville, and the bus driver said "Nigger, get to the back of the bus."
"But I'm Jewish!" Davis protested.
"Get off."

An Irishman, a Frenchman, and a Swede walk into a bar. The Irishman orders a WW.
"What's a WW?" asks the bartender.
"A whiskey and water," he explains.
The Frenchman orders next, and politely requests an RW.
"What's <i>that</i>?"
"A red wine," he explains.
The Swede thinks a bit, and finally leans across the bar and asks for a fifteen.
"What the hell is that?" asks the beleaguered bartender.
"A seven and a seven," answers the Swede.

 

What do you call 20 hillbillies in a room?
A full set of teeth!

What are three things a black man can't get?
A black eye, a tan, and a job!

How do you hide an indian's food stamps from him?
Put 'em under his work boots!

After 6 hours of shooting the same scene for a porno and still not getting the desired shot the director yelled cut. He approached the actors and posed them a question: Is our money shot on a payment plan today? If not, then pull the dick out of your ass and cum on her fucking breasts!

 

What's a Swedish girl do after she sucks cock?
Spit out the feathers.

Did you hear about the Swede who locked his family in the car?
He had to get a coat-hanger to get'em out.

What do you call a Scotsman with 1500 girl friends?
A shepard.

How does Helen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and one hand on the road.

 

To everyone who has posted in the random FUCKING stories thread.



I never intended to write a story.

 

New Priest In Town
spacer
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

 

Mr. O'Shama comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. O'Shama receives a telephone call from EC (Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. O'Shama?"
"Yes...... speaking"
EC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the EC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ... HOW ?????"
"Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you - you are overdue"
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight.... he will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to EC office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue?. What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at EC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know". the lady replies, "I guess she'd have to use a candle."