who needs a laugh

Wolf · Mar 18, 2004

Aarrgghh

Cindy, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Rosselli · Mar 18, 2004

The teacher presents this problem to the class: "There are three birds on a wire. A farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Jimmy raises his hand and says, "None, because the other two fly away."
"Well," the teacher replies, "The answer I was looking for was two, but I like the way you think." Later, at recess, Jimmy comes up to the teacher and points to three women sitting on a bench. One is eating a sandwich, one is drinking a soda, and one is sucking on a popsicle.
"See those women over there?" Jimmy asks the teacher. "Which one is single?"
"The one sucking on the popsicle," the teacher replies.
"No, it's the one without the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

Rabbi Isaac is reading a nazi newspaper, and Avi the yeshiva boy is horrified.
"Rabbi, how can you read that stuff? It's horrible!"
"Oh, Avi, whenevah I look at other newspapahs, there are Jews getting blown up in Jerusalem, anti-Semetism is on the rise in America, it's all doom and gloom. But in the Nazi newspapers, it's wonderful. Jews are taking ovah the woild!"

DarkUnderlord · Mar 24, 2004

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............

I'll shut UP.....!

bryant1380 · Mar 25, 2004

UP yours.

Dark Elf · Mar 26, 2004

(I translated this to English from Norwegian. Wooohoo!)

If you screamed for eight years, seven months and six days, you would had produced enough of sonic energy to heat up a cup of coffee (hardly worth the try though)
If you farted constantly for six years and nine months, you would had produced enough gas to create a nuclear bomb.
The human heart produces enough pressure when it pumps the blood in your body that it could spray it ten metres up in the air.
The orgasm of a pig lasts for 30 minutes!
If you bang your head against the wall you burn 150 calories/hour (still haven't gotten over that with the pig)
Humans and dolphins are the only creatures that have sex for the sheer pleasure of it (what about the pig I say? WHAT ABOUT THE PIG?)
The average human fears spiders more than dying (I'll die today as long as I get a 30 minute orgasm!)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath (imagine... thirty minutes... pigs must fall uncouncious when they're done!)
The Americans eat enough pizza to cover an area of 59,055 square feet daily. (Pizza? No thanks, I'd rather have a 30 orgasm - shit, 30 seconds would do!)
It's more likely that you get killed by a champagne cork than by a spider.
An ant can lift fifty times its own weight, can pull objects thirty times as heavy as they are and does always fall on its right side when drunk (wonder what made the government to support that research?)
Polar bears are left-handed (personally I didn't even know polar bears had hands...)
A flea can jump a distance equal to 350 times its own length before it starves to death (horrible)
A cockroach can live for nine days with its head chopped off before it starves to death (also horrible)
The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump (something I don't have a hard time believing actually)
The male Mantoidea can't have sex as long as it still has its head attached to it s body, therefore, the female starts the act by ripping his head of (kinky foreplay... wonder what foreplay the pig uses... thirty minutes...)
The eye of the ostrich is larger than its brain (if we think for a moment, everyone of us has surely met someone who's more or less a direct descendant of an ostrich)

After I've read all of this, all I have to say is: Fuck that pig!

Jarinor · Mar 26, 2004

Humans and dolphins are the only creatures that have sex for the sheer pleasure of it (what about the pig I say? WHAT ABOUT THE PIG?)
Click to expand...

I'm sure that line goes down well with sows. I can see it now (if animals could talk) -

Pig: "Hey baby, I think it's time you and me had sex."

Sow: "You only want sex so you can have one of those 30 minute orgasms!"

Pig: "No baby, I swear! Only humans and dolphins do it because they want, I just think it's time we settled down and had some kids."

Sow: "That's what you said last week. You spent 30 seconds with me, had your 30 minute orgasm, then rolled over in the shit and went to sleep. I'm not falling for that trick again!"

Pig: "I swear baby it's not true! What kind of pig do you take me for, that I'd sink to the level of humans and dolphins? I don't want sex for me, I want it for our SPECIES. Oh, and uh, you of course."

Sow: "Oh, alright..."

bryant1380 · Mar 27, 2004

I've seen that list before, Dark Elf. It had this extra tidbit:

Lions will mate up to 90 times in one day. (Still envy the pig though. I'd rather have quality over quantity.)

Jarinor · Mar 28, 2004

Lions will mate up to 90 times in one day.
Click to expand...

Lions are champions. 90 times in one day? Every straight guy on the planet wishes he could do that.

I'll just have to be content with 89 though .

mrnobodie · Mar 29, 2004

A friend just sent me this... enjoy.

Little Jimmy sees his Daddy's car passing the playground he's playing in and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Jimmy finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother.
Mommy "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her skirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Jimmy, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Jimmy to tell his story.
Jimmy starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and Jimmy said, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane... started doing that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Rosselli · Mar 31, 2004

Random, spontaneous racial slurs uttered by my freinds and I during normal conversation...because racial humor is hilarious:

Jonas (on his hatred for cell phones): Dude, cell phones are totally status symbols.
Me: No way, man. Black people have cell phones.

Jonas (explaining why our Jewish best freind believed an obvious falsehood): Of course he believed me. Jews believe anything.
Me: Yeah, they believed that they were really walking into showers.

Jeremiah (the Jew, on my Indian girlfreind): Dude, the dot-head's got you whipped.

Dark Elf · Mar 31, 2004

The following is a question on a physics exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that he failed the student who immediately appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct.

The university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter ruled that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. It was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied: "First, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from this formula I have worked out for you on my text paper here."

Then the student added, "But, Sir, I wouldn't recommend it. Bad luck on the barometer."

"Another alternative", offered the student, "is this: If the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer,then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional geometry to work out the height of the skyscraper. On the paper is the formula for that as well."

"But, Sir, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in a gravitational formula, which I have determined here this time on a long sheet of paper with a very long and complicated calculation."

"Or, Sir, here's another way, and not a bad one at all. If the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"But if you merely wanted to be very boring and very orthodox about the answer you seem to seek, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof, and on the ground, and then convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane ever to win the Nobel Prize in physics.

Solaris · Apr 9, 2004

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the
Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied
where appropriate.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this
question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any
lower...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to
Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being
held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have
started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of
them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and
most national parks...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing
between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: From Liz Taylor, perhaps?

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love
outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Jarinor · Apr 11, 2004

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)
Click to expand...

Gold. Pure gold. That list is hilarious Solaris.

Dragoon · Apr 13, 2004

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

mrnobodie · Apr 24, 2004

This is a joke that was told to me tonight at work by a guest that made me laugh so hard I had to grab my balls and spit....also it's an australian based joke so you non-aussies may not get the significance of the punch line....

What has 32 pubic hair's and 1500 legs?....

the crowd at a Nicki Webster concert.

Sleek_Jeek · Apr 24, 2004

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next month

What do lesbians do for fun when they're on the rag?

fingerpaint

How do you make a five year old cry twice?

wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear

Whats the hardest part of tit-fucking an eight year old?

breaking her sternum

Sleek_Jeek · Apr 27, 2004

[Cthon98] hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
[Cthon98] ********* see!
[AzureDiamond] hunter2
[AzureDiamond] doesnt look like stars to me
[Cthon98] [AzureDiamond] *******
[Cthon98] thats what I see
[AzureDiamond] oh, really?
[Cthon98] Absolutely
[AzureDiamond] you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
[AzureDiamond] haha, does that look funny to you?
[Cthon98] lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
[AzureDiamond] thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
[Cthon98] yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
[AzureDiamond] awesome!
[AzureDiamond] wait, how do you know my pw?
[Cthon98] er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
[AzureDiamond] oh, ok.

Funniest IRC conversation ever...

xento · Apr 27, 2004

Yes, it's so funny I can't even crack a smile.

Twilight'sHammer · Apr 27, 2004

I don't get it!

Jinxed · Apr 27, 2004

That's probably because you don't IRC much.

As I reminder, I wanna say anyone from this forum who wants a chat can come to #vampire #TA-Regulars or #Arcanum anytime.

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