who needs a laugh

After the US missile hits Saddam's bunker, Tariq Aziz gathers all Saddam's look-alikes to make an announcement.
"I have good news and bad news for you" he says. "The good news are that Saddam survived the bombing, so you're not unemployed as of yet. The bad news are, he had lost both his hands..."

 

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."



There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"


man, two!, count em, TWO! ejaculation jokes....... am i good or what?.

 

this made me laugh so hard.

 

Smart Harry

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her first grade
students. The teacher asked,"Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is. I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought
in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the
test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry:"36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that Ihave only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer... Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit
tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass
in the
fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

 

LOL!

*Breaking news*

Word from Iraq has confirmed that Saddam Hussain has been severly injured in a Coalition air-strike, having to have one of his legs amputated afterwards.

His doubles arn't too happy.

(It'll take a second to get it...)

Regards,
Morden

 

Errr... one like that was just posted. Please check before you post your joke.

One day, a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. He's gaining on him, when suddenly they come across a magic frog. The magic frog says, "I'll give you each three wishes, because I'm in a good mood." The rabbit and the bear are very happy.

So, the bear says, after thinking a bit, "I wish that all the bears in the park, except me, were female!" POOF! Suddenly, all the bears in the park except for him were female. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle." POOF! Suddenly, a motorcycle appears next to the rabbit.

The bear, getting a little more confident, says, "I wish that all the bears in the country were female, except for me!" POOF! All the bears, except for him, in the country were turned into females. The rabbit says, "I wish I had a helmet." POOF! A helmet suddenly appears on the motorcycle.

The frog says, "Okay bear, you only have on more wish. Make it good." The bear thinks for a minute, then says, nearly bursting, "I wish that all the bears in the WORLD were female, except for me!!!" POOOOF! All the bears in the world, except for the one, were turned into females.

The rabbit thinks for a second, then says, "I wish the bear was gay."

 

The Welsh.

Well, it makes me laugh...

Tee hee, stupid Welshies and their silly country....

 

gay bear.......... i like it....... you've picked up a lot of bad habits from somewhere Snow, i'm just glad i could be a small part of it....... here's another religious joke........




A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaims. "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY, LADS! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"

 

kinda dissapointing to see this at the bottom of the page.......


A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000.
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

 

Alright, I've got one.

One day, two men are playing golf. The first one, quite close to the hole, putts the ball. However, it swings just wide of the hole. He angrily says, "Oh shit, I missed!" The second one says, "Do not say that, for god will strike you down." The first guy turns to the second and says, "Yeah, whatever."

At the next hole, the same thing happens. The first man putts the ball, but it misses the hole. He exclaims, "Oh shit, I missed!" The second one says, "Do not say that, for god will strike you down." The first man rolls his eyes at the second, saying, "Yeah, whatever."

This continues for all the holes. The first man misses, shouts "Oh shit I missed," and the second tells him not to say it.

Finally, they reach the last hole. The first guy putts the ball, but it doesn't go in. "OH HOLY SHIT!" He shouts, really, really mad, "I MISSED!" The second one says, "Do not say that, for go-" ZAP! A lightning bolt streaks down from the sky and hits the man saying it. Suddenly, a big, boming voice says, "Oh shit. I missed."

 

Some cybersex:

From Shacknews:
How NOT to have cybersex:
[WARNING: VILE LANGUAGE]

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

-----
bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

-----
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

-----
bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Katie_007: is that it?
bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... sexily.
bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.
Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this shit is HOTT.
Katie_007: ...
bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Katie_007: whatever.

 

I have not laughed that good in weeks, thanks jinxed.

 

... oh my god i cant stop laffin... that is f**kin hilarious. better than the rest...

 

How to achieve 103% success in life?

Let:
A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, D = 4, E = 5, F = 6 G = 7, H = 8, I = 9, J = 10,
K =
11, L = 12, M = 13, N = 14, O = 15, P = 16, Q = 17, R = 18, S = 19, T =
20, U = 21, V = 22, W = 23, X = 24, Y = 25, Z = 26.

K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

This is how you achieve more than 100% in life:

B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%!

 

How do numbers added together equal percents? Still, I liked the concept.

 

Well, am I ever in a good mood. An old man just left our shop. He came in looking for a part for his lawnmower, and I was helping him, being that everyone else was gone to lunch. Well, I haven't seen this old man before in my life, and he immediately launched into telling me jokes in a really loud voice, and he would holler with laughter at his own joke. He finally left, and all I could do was stand there with my sides splitting, tears rolling down my face... Man. That old man really made my day.

A couple of his "zingers"

A telephone repair man was sent out to a local residence to repair their phone. Upon arriving at the house, he was greeted by the mother of the home, who informed the repair man that her young son did not have any ears, and asked that he please not say anything to the boy about it, as he was extremely sensitive about his disfigurement. The telephone repair man assured the mother that he wouldn't say a word, and went to work on her telephone. Soon, the man spotted the boy walking past, sure enough, earless. "Hello, son. My, you have some pretty teeth." said the repair man.
"Oh, yeah, What about it!?!!?" exclaimed the boy.
"Well, you just need to take care of them, because you see, I didn't take care of mine, and now I have to wear false teeth." The repair man popped out his dentures to show the boy.
"My, son, you have some pretty hair, too." said the man.
"Oh, yeah, what about it?!?!?"
"Well, you just need to take care of your hair, so it don't fall out like mine, cause I neglected it." The man removed his hard hat and revealed his bald head to the agitated youngster.
"My, my, son, you have some pretty eyes," remarked the repair man.
"Oh, yeah, WHAT ABOUT IT?!?!"
"Well, you just need to take care of them, cause you ain't got no fucking ears to hold up your glasses!"



A woman noticed one morning that she hadn't heard her rooster crowing as usual, so she looked out her window, and noticed that her rooster had gone into early moult, and since it was winter, she knew he would freeze to death. She brought him inside, placed him by the fireplace, and began to sew him a pair of overalls. She fixed them up, and placed them on the rooster. When she took him outside, he immediately flew up on the fence and began to loudly crow. She went inside, and a little while later, her husband, returning from work, walked inside laughing. "What's so funny?" asked his wife.
"That rooster...."
"I made those overalls for him cause he molted early, and it's cold out."
"That's not why I'm laughing," exclaimed the husband. "That rooster is out there with one foot on top of a hen, and trying to take off his overalls with his other foot."

 

Actually, backstabber, you can get even farther with :

ASSKISSING = 118%

FUCKING THE BOSS = 159%

SLEEPING AROUND = 160%

 

thanks but that sorta exceeds the word limit huh??'


anyways heres another

tom dick and harry are walking on the street.
suddenly tom notice a pile of brownish stuff on the ground. he bends down and smells the stuff.
'i think this is shit.' he says
dick is not convinced. he bends down and poke a finger at the thing.
'yes, i concurr, this is shit'he says
harry does not believe them at scooped some of the thing and sent it into his mouth.
he is finally convinced that it is shit.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"good thing we did not step on it."

 

Heres a bad one, but this topic can't die!!!

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.
''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''