who needs a laugh

Monkeys:

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odour wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys. This is a chainletter...now that you have read it, you will have been hexed with bad luck in everything you do until you forward this to 10 people you know. After 10 days, you will have permanent bad luck forever. If you do forward this 10 people in ten days then you will have good luck in life for the next year

 

That is VERY stupid.
But it's funny, too. :lol:

 

i thought it was insanely funny, not really sure why though...

 

Favorite joke from grad school:

Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism make plans to get together for lunch one afternoon. Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found. Finally Socialism arrives, out of breath. "Sorry I'm late," apologizes Socialism. "I was standing in line for sausage."

And Capitalism says, "What's a line?"

And Communism says, "What's a sausage?"

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. Gotta love Soviet sausage jokes.

 

:-?
that joke went completely over my head, could you explain it a bit?

 

Capitalism is a sort of jungle, no one stands in lines and "may the better one win" sort of thing. Meaning no one actually waits for their turn.

In communist countries meat is hard to get.
Back in the old days in Poland, we received "tickets" to buy meat, otherwise one would have to buy their sausages from the black market.

 

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first things he sees are a coupleof aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"


Oh, and I got post 666, hoorah.

 

Man, I genuinely feel sorry for you. Meat rationed? I cannot live without my meat feasts (chicken, ham, beef and salami all go well together, especially with wholegrain mustard, or barbeque sauce if you have chicken, melted cheese if you just have the other three).

 

ARRRGGH!!!! For fuck's sake....

Drugar, could you please explain that joke to me? As married as I am, I cannot for the life of me understand it...

Ohhh, my head.... I've read that joke 15 times, and still can't find the funny in it.

 

He was faithful to his wife.

In his drunken state, any woman could have taken advantage of him, but he resisted, cuz he was too drunk to know she was his wife.
She was happy he was faithful.


And that monkey thing rocks!

 

I feel like a dumbass. Of course, it makes sense now..

Oh yeah, the monkey thing was pretty funny.

 

Well, you don't have to, I wrote that is was like that back in the old commie days. As my father always worked for the goverment, I never had a shortage of anything.

 

you know, i don't know what's funnier..... the joke..... Retard not getting the joke, or Retard TELLING everyone he doesn't get the joke...... ahhhhh Retard, ease's the pain.
now that i know that Retards wife may be watching here's one just for her

A man (not Retard, no sir), wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".
The salesman asks "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom!"

runs and hide's before Retard see's this.

 

This one has been my absolute favorite dirty joke ever since I read it in a book of Playboy humor years ago.

Once there was this woman who was depressed because she was flat-chested. One day her fairy godmother appeared and said, "I'm going to grant you your heart's desire."
"I want big tits."
"All right, dearie. Everytime a man says 'Pardon' to you, they'll get bigger."
The woman went out later that day and bumped into a policeman, who said, "Pardon me, miss." Her tits grew an inch. She was ecstatic.
The next day she ran into a supermarket bagboy while she was carrying out her groceries. The kid said, "Excuse me, ma'am," and her tits grew another inch. She was beside herself with joy.
The day after that, she went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch and bumped into a waiter, who said, "Miss, I beg of you a thousand pardons."
The newspaper headlines the next day read, "CHINESE WAITER KILLED BY TWO TORPEDOES!"

 

I got this from one of my peace-nik liberal friends... so they are good for a least one thing.




Axis of Evil Wannabes

By John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as
Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the
Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as
Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the
best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi
President
Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II
you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only
have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in
what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said
they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join
with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while
Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil
Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling
up... Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the
"Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to
Host the Olympics."

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America, "while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of
Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick."

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said
Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making
fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he
rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
"Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately, leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

 

A Joke

An old man is sitting on his porch watching people go by on the street.

He sees a boy walking by with some chicken wire.
He asks the boy "What are you doing with that chicken wire?"
The boy replies "I'm going to go catch some chickens"
The old man tells the boy "you don't use chicken wire to catch chickens"
However, the boy went and came by that evening with a bunch of chickens.

The next day the old man sees the same boy walking by with a cat-o-nine-tails. He asks the boy what he is doing, the boy replies he is going to catch some cats. Just like the day before, the boy comes back later with a bunch of cats.

The following day, the old man sees the boy going by with a piece of pussy willow, and says "Hold on there boy, I'm coming with you"


(This is a joke I heard a long time ago, it should be better)

 

thanks, im a bit on the slow side lately. probably should sleep instead of coming here...

 

sorry, but this is the best i could come with.....

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Steve.

 

Thanks, mrnobodie! Those made me laugh pretty good! :lol:

 

your welcome xento, but you didn't post a joke, do i have to remind you of the rules.........

two hookers finsh work and meet at a bar, the fisrt hooker says,
"I made 500 bucks tonight i feel like a bottle of champagne".
at which, the second hooker turns to the first hooker and replies,
"I made $5000, i feel like a tub of glue"......... :-o for those that remember.....
Quoth the Rose "EWWWW".