who needs a laugh

Three old women were sitting on a bench in the park feeding the birds. A man in a trenchcoat walks up to them and flashes them.
The first old woman had a stroke.
Then the second old woman had a stroke.
But the third old woman didn't. Her arms were too short to reach.
:-o

 

for those that know and love him, (or have been "loved" by him) Bubba's been edumacating himself, here's what he's come with......


BUBBA'S KOMPUTER TERMS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOG ON: Making da woodstove hotter.
MONITOR: Keepin da eye on da woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the truk keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the rat hole.


this may also apply to any southern american, good thing there aint any here, hey Retard i told you i'd get you for that haiku.

 

Now that wasn't nice
You are mean, mrnobodie
Me not that stupid



mrnobodie walks up to his dad and asks, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?" His dad replies, "Well, son, before sex, a vagina is the most perfectly pink, sweet, sweet flower." "What about after sex, Dad?" "Well son........Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

 

bulldog???, what kind of freaky wierd loving are you having?, cause i wanna get me some of that!


A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows;

For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.



yes, i'm deliberatly ignoring your "poem" smarty-pants.

 

*After months of absence, weeks of longing, and ages of people screaming for dwarven power.....he returns*

Heya! Druggy's back!
And let me tell you about my new sound system. The 8.6 Speaker System. All you want....in sound.

5.1 Surround Sound systems are for small men with small penises. I'm not trying to exaggerate or make ridiculous claims, I'm just stating the facts. Men with less speakers get less from the ladies. Also, they suck at Tribes.
Allow me to give you a tour of my sonic setup. Ordinarily a 5.1 system calls for a front left channel, a front right channel, rear left and right channels, a center channel, and a subwoofer -- hence the name, five speakers plus a subwoofer. That's more than enough for pansies, but I plan on breeding.

I've got those five and the subwoofer, allright. Plus, a large, rotating, manhole-sized speaker mounted onto the ceiling. Then, buried underneath the floorboards, I have a special subwoofing device that's approximately 12 feet wide and uses the architectural supports of my home to help it generate the deep booming bass I need whenever I fire up a game of Tribes CTF. Often it makes noises so deep that only elephants can hear it. It requires an inch and a half of sheet metal to protect my harddrive from the industrial electromagnet contained within, illegal to operate in this country since '77. People foolish enough to wear metal watches or earrings into my study sometimes find themselves hurled painfully to the floor when I boot up. Moreover, the vibrations make a great diuretic.

That gives me a grand total of 6.2 speakers. But, as you know, I use an 8.6 system. Where are the other two speakers and four subwoofers? I'll give you a hint. Two of them are in my pants. Two line the headboard of my bed while a third is placed in a special acoustically-tiled cone-shaped antechamber custom built into the second story of my garage. The last one I haven't seen since our swimming pool burst, but I can still hear it whenever I make a capture.

One time my system attempted to notify me of an incoming email and blew the shingles off of my roof, some of them as far as the next county.

How does my wife feel about this setup? Oh, I think she was a little upset about the antique bureau that shattered the moment my speakers registered a direct Tribes mortar hit, but for the most part she sleeps well in the comfortable knowledge of her man's enormous sexual prowress, evendent to anyone with the ears to hear it.

 

Dude, what does your post have to do with this thread?

 

Operation: Iraqi Freedom

Anyone else laughing ?

 

No.

But at this, yes.

Intelligence intercepted a message from Saddam late yesterday. It took awhile to decipher, but it was eventually determined to be Pig Latin. The message? "Amscray!!"

 

Jinxed, I copied it directly from the Daily Victim of Gamespy, and personally found it pretty fun.
Tastes differ I guess, I'll come up with something better then.

 

I found it to be quite hilarious.

 

wow!, i've really been neglecting my duties here haven't i?, well just to make up for here's a few chuckles coming your way.....


A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."


A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."


A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."


A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow.
The horse fell into a mud hole and is started
to sink. The horse instructed the chicken to
get the farmer so that he could be pulled to
safety. The chicken ran to the farm but the
farmer was nowhere to be found. Without a moment
to spare, the chicken got into the farmer's
BMW and drove back to the mud hole. Then, the
chicken tied some rope around the bumper, threw
the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse,
and proceeded to pull the horse to safety.
A few days later, the chicken and the horse
were playing in the meadow again. This time
around, the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken instructed the horse to get the
farmer so that she could be pulled to safety.
Replied the horse, "Here's the plan... I'll
stand over the hole..." The horse stretched
over the length of the hole and continued,
"Now, just grab for my penis and pull yourself
to saftey."
The chicken obliged reluctantly and pulled
herself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like
a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

Hehe good ones nobodie.

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation
that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He
confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described
somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend,
I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS
somewhere in scripture.

During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter
and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you
find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... and Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

 

During a rather lengthy sermon, the preacher noticed that old Joe had fallen asleep in the back pew. The preacher paused for a moment, then hatched a plan. While pounding his hands on the pulpit, he shouted at the top of his lungs, "EVERYBODY HERE WHO'S GOING TO HELL, STAND UP!!!!!" Old Joe immediately jumped to his feet, having only really understood the "stand up". He then replied to the preacher, "Well, preach, I don't know why, but it looks like me and you are the only two standing up!"

 

ahhh, religious jokes, they're funny on so many levels........



An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel."

 

Now that was funny. I'm still laughing.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?

Nope, not cause there's whiteout on the screen, you can tell because your joystick is wet.



HOT DAMN I'M AN AGELESS BLADE!

 

How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?

There's whiteout on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde has been using it?

There's writing on the whiteout.

 

this a happy little story about a bunny rabbit. he is covered in white fur everywhere, has a fluffy tail, cute little ears, and a nose the size of a tiny button. this bunny's name is schlomper and he is sitting in his favorite field, under his favorite tree. he is munching away with at his favorite snack. do you know what his favorite snack is? its carrots, schlomper loves his carrots. schlomper is eating his carrots which are making him happier. his tail is fluffing up, his ears are flopping back and forth, and his nose starts to twitch because he is so happy.


and then he dies.

 

that story is a whole lot funnier when i tell it in person, but hopefully, it will have some affect on people who read it...

 

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop?





An Amish drive-by shooting.


Okay, it sucks.

 

actulally Snowmane, i thought it was pretty good...... well if you look at my sig you'll know why........ no, not Retards shiny ass.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"