who needs a laugh

hmmm, maybe it was the woman joke...... mental note, no more women jokes*.

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life --until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing... only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing,' he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?' replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible,' stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you.' he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! This woman is amazing!" he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my email?!".


*yeah right, like that's going to happen.

 

:lol: Oh, that's a good one, mrnobodie!!! Thanks for sharing it!

Olie and Vince:

Vince and Olie meet once sunday afternoon and strike up a conversation.

Vince: "Olie, why do you have two black eyes?"

Olie: "Well, today, I was in church and we stood up to sing a chorus, when I noticed that Mrs. Muffer in front of me had her dress stuck in her behind, so I reached over and pulled it out for her, and she turned around and hit me in the eye."

Vince: "Well, that explains one black eye. How did you get the other?"

Olie: "Well, I figured that she didn't want it pulled out, so I reached over and pushed it back in."

----------------------------------------------------------
The Plane Ride

Olie's Girfriend: "Oh, Olie, look! It's a plane ride! Can we go one it? Please?"

Olie: "Yes, it is a plane ride, but it is $10, and ten dollars is ten dollars, so no, we can't."

Pilot: "Aye, what's that? You think I charge too much, eh? Well, then, I will lower the price to $5 for you two lovebirds. How does that sound?"

Olie's Girlfriend: "Oh, yes, Olie!!! Please, can we go on now?"

Olie: "I don't think so. Five dollars is still a lot of money."

Pilot: "Okay, you've convinced me! You can go on the ride for free, but if you make one little peep, you will have to pay the full sum."

Olie: "Alright, that sounds fair."

So Olie and his girlfriend board the plane. The pilot begins to do death-defying stunts to make one of them scream, but they both didn't make a sound. After a long, exciting ride, he lands.

Pilot: "Whoa, there! A few times, I was sure you were going to scream!"

Olie's Girlfriend: "Well, I was about to say something when Olie flew out the window, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

I didn't get one either.

 

Here's something that I find quite amusing. But then, agan, I might be easily amused.Click here
Put your name into it and see what you get.
Here's what I got:
Solaris
Solaris is a fork! It is invisible to the naked eye!

mrnobodie
mrnobodie is like a normal pair of sunglasses, but it can play Mornington Crescent.

Sheriff Fatman
Sheriff Fatman is a towel that removes stubborn stains! It contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica and connects to the web.

xento
xento is a business card that recharges itself at night and is made of rubber.
[/url]

 

1. Wife

wife is a shopping bag that checks your spelling, is laced with vodka and glows with an eerie green light.

2. Marriage

marriage is like a normal artificial limb, but it will not work outside of the UK.

3. Sex

sex is a CD player that cannot be removed from your house! It produces 240v of electricity and probably won't work.

4. Penis

penis is a razor that moulds to fit its user, floats in water and will not work outside of the UK.

5. Pussy

pussy is like a normal candle, but it smells like a fish.

6. Peanut butter

peanut butter is a substance made from certain ground up plant products, and used by a certain Australian in the capacity of a dog-tounge attractant.

I only made up one of those, honest. (Number 5) The rest came "straight from the horse's mouth", so to speak. (And are suprisingly close to reality.) My No. 4 does float in the water.

 

Some Chinese guy finds his wife in bed with another man, he gives the guy an ultimatum:
- If he doesn't leave his wife alone, he will cast upon him the great curse of "Three Chinese tortures"
The guy just smiles and went to bed with his wife the very same day. The next morning he wakes up in his bedroom on the second floor with an awful pain in his chest, he opens his eyes and notices a large boulder sitting on his chest. It's getting hard to breathe.
written on the boulder is "Chinese torture nr.1"
Being the strong man that he is, he smiles, picks up the boulder and tosses it out the window.
In the instant he lets it out of his hands, he notices another writing on the other side of the boulder: "Chinese torture nr.2 "right nut is tied to rock"
The guy is quick, so to avert heavy injury to his lower body he rushes after the rock, jumps out the window after the boulder smiling. While he is passing the window he notices something written on the embrasure:
"Chinese torture nr.3 left nut is tied to bed leg".

 

Methinks you ALSO made up number 6 retard .

 

Methinks number 6 is based on a true story.

ANYWAY


Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

 

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I heard there's a nasty bug going around."



Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled

"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for?" the mad scientist asked.

And the policemans answer was:......

For making an obscene clone fall.


yeah i know, pretty corny, but what'cha gonna do?.

 

Is it dead or air inflated?

 

My name: a beltbuckle that produces pure oxygen.

 

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.

"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."

"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.

"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution."

"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me... I can always continue to be a teakettle!"

 

Two men talk in a mental institution:

-So did you like my novel?
-Yeah, it was nice. But there are too many characters.

An employee came shouting:

-Give me back the phone book!

 

here's some "silly people" jokes.


As part of the admission procedure at the hospital, the head nurse ask's the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, she print's it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists.
Once when she asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat nuts. several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother "Nuts?".

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

 

This one is a little nasty but what the hell:

Two retards were talking about sex.

The first said "I heard they lick where you pee"
The the second replied "What? The flor or the toilet?"

 

I cant believe that this thread is still open! AMAZING!

i'm not in such a mood for jokes right now because my gf broke up with me like a minute before i started writing this...
but i'll tell one anyway.

two women talk about their sex life...
"do you talk with your husband after you finnish off?"
"hmm i dont know...depends if there's a phones nearby"

 

here's something to get in the spirit of val-day, or not as the case may be......... enjoy.



An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love."

"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

 

Signing in Bed
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch). After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs," Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"


A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."


Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. ? All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."


A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"


One day at work, Jeffery told his co-worker about his elbow really hurting and that he was thinking of going to see the doctor about it. "don't do that," replied his friend, "there's a computer down at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put a sample of your urine in the computer, and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. All it costs is $10.00." Jeffery figured that he had nothing to lose, so the filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. He poured the sample in the computer and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
- You have tennis elbow.
- Soak your arm in warm water.
- Avoid heavy lifting.
- Will be back to normal in two weeks.
Late that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Jeffery began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample in the computer, and deposited the $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following diagnosis:
- Your tap water is too hard.
- Your dog has worms - get him vitamins.
- Your daughter is using cocaine - put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
- Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours - get a lawyer.
- And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.

 

ok, it's been too long since this has been on the top of the page so i decided to do something about it......


A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Snow."

 

hello my childrens, you'll have to forgive my in-attendence lately i've been playing C & C generals..... and i hereby proclaim it a crapfest, but anyway.......


This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her, he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth."

The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies "Well, make up your mind then, I'll have to adjust the chair."