who needs a laugh

Come on, people POST! It's after New Year's for crying out loud!! Is everyone going into a late winter slumber? (With the exception of the Aussies, that is. Who knows where they're at.)

Anyway, a few jokes.



A man was seated at a bar, guzzling hard liquor for all he was worth. He was still there at closing time. "Sir you'll have to leave. We're closing," said the bartender. The man slid off his barstool and immediately fell down. He stood up, walked three steps and fell again. He fell 4 more times before he made it to the door. Once he fell out the door, he decided the hell with walking, I'll just crawl, as his house was only 4 blocks away. Upon reaching his front door, he stood, opened the door, and fell flat on his face inside. He got up, and began making his way to the bedroom. He would walk a step or two, and then fall. Finally, he stood up beside his bed, and fell one last time, directly on the bed, and immediately fell asleep. The next morning, his wife woke him. "Have you been drinking at that bar all night again?" "No, why do you ask?" the man replied. "Because the bar just called, you lying bastard. You left your wheelchair."



A man awoke in a strange bed, in a strange house. He couldn't remember a thing, except that he had gotten horrendously drunk several hours ago. He immediately noticed that, on his right side, lay a huge fat woman, ugly as sin. On his left side lay a thin woman, this one too as ugly as they come. The man had no idea what was going on, his only thought was getting the hell outta there. The woman on the right was so fat, he couldn't go that way, so he decided to try to climb over the skinny woman on the left. Just as he got right over her, trying not to touch her, she opened her eyes, looked him dead in the face, wide-eyed, and said, "Naw sir, Naw sir!!! I's just the bridesmaid!"



Three men were standing in front of the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said they were all allowed to enter, but according to how good they had been to their wives, would stipulate what kinda vehicle they would be given to cruise around in. The first man replied that he had loved and cherished his wife, had always been faithful, and had always provided for her. "Very well," said St. Peter. "You get a Ferrari." The second man told the Saint that he had loved his wife, but had cheated on her a time or two, but did try to provide for her. "Well, that you loved her is what really counts. I'll give you a Honda Accord," replied the Saint. The third man then told St. Peter that he had slept around on his wife their entire marriage, that he was never home, always stayed out late, getting drunk, but that he did love her, just never showed it. "Well, for all that, all I'm going to give you is a bicycle." Well, after some period of time, the man riding the bicycle happened to come up on the first man, sitting on the rear bumper of his nice Ferrari, crying and boo-hooing, and just in obvious torment. "What's the matter with you man? You got a Ferrari, and I'm stuck riding this stupid bike, and you are upset? What on earth could possibly be wrong?"

The first man sobbed, "I just saw my wife go by on a pair of roller-skates!"

 

Ahhh Retard, that's some good work you've done there my friend, as to where I've been, I've been off being a hero putting out fire's remember.... on a side note, N.S.W. is now officially 99% drought stricken and there's a faint smoke haze in the sky surounding my home town even though there isn't a fire within 100 km's, that's how bad it is people...... back to the hilarity......



What is the capitol of Japan?


"J"

*god-damn i'm funny




Question : Why did you leave your last job?
Suggestion : I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
Real answer : It sucked.


Question : What are your biggest weaknesses?
Suggestion : I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.
Real answer : I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, i hate all forms of authority, and tend to fall asleep at my desk.


Question : You seem to have moved around a lot in a short amount of
time. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than
you've stayed elsewhere?
Suggestion : I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
Real answer : My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only non-competent employees.


Question : How do you handle change?
Suggestion : I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.
Real answer : I deal with it everyday unless I'm out of clean underwear.


Question : : How do you get along with others?
Suggestion : I think the interpersonal dynamics of the work place can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
Real answer : I hate people, as long as they stay out of my face everything's fine.


Question : What does the word success mean to you?
Suggestion : Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.
Real answer : It means that I don't have to drag my sorry butt out of bed to kiss yours.


Question : What does the word failure mean to you?
Suggestion : Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.
Real answer : It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance, with the hope of a 6 month extension.

Question: Do you get along with your current boss?
Suggestion : I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more
of a mentor to me.
Real answer: I get along fine considering what kind of a malicious jerk he is.


Question : Do you ever get angry with coworkers?
Suggestion : Nothing angers me more than to see a coworker
not pulling his weight, goofing off, or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with coworkers.
Real answer : I don't get angry. I get even.


Question: Can I contact your references?
Suggestion : Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.
Real answer : Sure, but they wont know who I am.


Question: What words best describe you?
Suggestion: Compassionate, Creative, Team player, Organized, Efficient
Real Answer: Genius, Horny, Clockwatcher, Unorganized, Lazy

 

Glad to see you pop in, mrnobodie. Maybe you guys will get some rain soon.

Meanwhile, another joke.



Harry and Bob were out late at night, coon-hunting. Harry had a coon dog named Sam. Harry told Bob that Sam was a genious, in fact, he could count how many coons were in a tree and let you know. Bob thought he was fulla crap. So Harry said, "Go get 'em, Sam!" Sam took off, looked up a tree, came back to the men, and barked once. "Woof!"

"There's one coon in that tree, Bob," Harry said. Bob was skeptical, but they went and looked, and sure enough, there was one coon at the top of the tree. "Just coincidence," said Bob, "I still don't believe that that dog can count." They shot and bagged the coon, and Harry said to his dog, "Go get 'em, Sam!" Sam took off to another tree, and came back and barked three times. "Mark my words, Bob, there's gonna be three coons in that tree." Sure enough, there was. By this point Bob was amazed, and told Harry that he would pay any amount for this dog. They agreed on $10,000.

The next night, Bob went out coon hunting alone, and took his new dog with him. "Go get 'em, Sam!" The dog took off, looked up a tree, came back, and started humping Bob's leg. Sam then picked up a stick, and started to shake it. Bob was furious. He went and got Harry, and told him, "What in the world is this dog doing?" They turned Sam loose, and Sam, after looking up the same tree, came back, humped Harry's leg, and then picked up a stick and shaked it. "I can tell you exactly what Sam is trying to tell you Harry. He's saying there's more fucking coons in that tree than you can shake a stick at."

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: Shit Retard!, my side hurts from laughing.


*edit. just so you know "coon" has a rather derogitory/racist meaning here in OZ

 

c'mon people lift your game....... here's a "nice" animal joke....


This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale.", "Bullshit" he thinks. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"Fuck me!" The guy exclaims. "So, what's your story?" He replies after a few moments.

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader's, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for only $10?"

The owner replies, "He's a compulsive liar."

 

Off-Topic

I didn't know "coon" was interpreted that way in the Land Down Under. Here in the states, people call blacks "coons". Just as bad as "nigger". However, in my joke, I was referring to the animal "raccoon". Here in the South, when you go out in the pursuit of raccoons for sport, meat, or livliehood (sp) you are "coon" hunting. If I said to my buddies, "Hey ya'll lets go raccoon hunting." They'd laugh their ass off, and then ask in all seriousness, "What's a raccoon?" It's just a southern dialect, I guess.

Just wanted to post this in case there were any offended black people out there, and just let them know what I meant in my joke by "coon" hunting. Back to the jokes!



A young boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex. "What are you doing, Dad?" asked the naive youngster. The dad, startled, jumped up, and then said, "Well, you see that hole their between mama's legs? Watch this and I'll show you." So the dad proceeded to hump the mama's brains out. Soon, the boy's younger sister walked in the bedroom and asked her brother, "What's dad doing to mom?" "Well," said the boy, "You see that hole there between dad's legs? Watch this and I'll show you.."

 

ROFL




As an old man was dying, his wife approached him.

"Dear...I want to know if you have ever been unfaithful to me..."

"Never...honey...May I turn in my grave as many times as I lied to you."

...A few hours later the man died. After a few days his wife died of grief as well. She went to heaven and started looking for her husband but couldn't find him anywhere. So she headed to hell. There she searched for her husband but couldn't find him either. As she was about to leave a small devil ran up to her.

"Hey!!! Maybe he is that guy we've put instead of a fan?"

 

LOL

 

well if menion's not going to post a joke, i'll guess i'll have to.....

Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 years to learn:

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Your true friends love you, anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

Guys Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bastard.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed
If you don't, there must be someone else.

 

not long got back from being a "heroric* hero" heard this joke and had to share.....

During a staff meeting, a boss was complaining that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning, he went to a sign shop and bought a sign which read, 'I'm The Boss'. He then returned to work and taped it to his office door. When he returned from lunch that day, he found that someone had taped a note to his sign which said, "Your wife called while you were out. She wants her sign back!"


*i know it's wrong but fuck me if i know how it's speelt**
** that was deliberate***
***may not of been deliberate

 

Showed this one to milo on IRC yesterday

LESSON

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my
mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful
and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel
uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So
I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was
to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't
overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants
to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said,
I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just
watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a
moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and
stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in
his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed
our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

That's an AWESOME one, mrnobodie!!! Thanks!

Here is an old one:

A black man, an indian man, and a white man are told that they must run to the edge of the Grand Canyon, jump off, and say what they wish to be and they will become it.

The black man runs and jumps off saying "hawk", and he turns into a hawk and flies away.

The indian man run and jumps off saying "eagle", and he turns into an eagle and flies away.

The white man runs and, as he is nearing the edge of the cliff, trips on a rock and yells "Shit!"...

 

The Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One
problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same
hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all
the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on
a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it,
the parrot. They stared malevolently at each other but did not utter a
word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally
on the fourth day, the parrot could restrain itself no longer: "OK,
OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

 

thanks guy's, i really needed those jokes after the last couple of days, spare a thought for people down under, the shit has seriously hit the fan in Canberra with a state of emergency being declared after one of the scariest days of my life. but that's not what your reading this thread for so here's a woman joke...... apologies to the lovely female type forum members....... oh, and snowmane and windmills i suppose too....


Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

i can't believe no-one's posted......... maybe it was the woman joke....... well here's an old person joke to make sure.


Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over the other and said, "Crimony sakes! Life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the darned flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes, and while completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by a loud roar of applause. The streaker burst back out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. Hurriedly, he ran over to his eager buddy.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"

 

Let's admit it, we all think that computers and their programms are nothing but sh!t. What if we were honest and referred to them as sh!t all the time?

User=someone who steps on sh!t
Professional= someone who gets paid for stepping on sh!t
Novice user=someone who had never stepped on sh!t before but wants to try
Lamer= someone who haven't learned to step on sh!t in a proper way
Computer expert=someone who had mastered stepping on sh!t
Programmer=someone who prefers stepping on his own sh!t
Copyright=an agreement to make everyone who steps on sh!t pay for it
Computer games player= someone who steps on sh!t for fun
Hacker= someone who breaks into other people's houses to step on their sh!t
Hacker with a cause= a noble fighter for every person's right to step on sh!t
Microsoft= World largest sh!t producing corporation
Bill Gates= an evil god from the legends of the programmers, the almighty creator of sh!t
Upgrading your computer= paying for being able to step into a deeper sh!t
Compatibility= being able to step on different kinds of sh!t with the same boot
Computer network= a technology that enables you to get sh!t on your boots even when someone else steps on it
Internet=a technology that enables you to step on sh!t from all over the world
Manuals= a detailed description of the proper ways of stepping on sh!t
Technical support= a service that gives you advices what to do after stepping on sh!t. Their first advice is usually to step on the same sh!t again and compare the results.

 

The following advice for American travelers going to France was compiled

from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the CIA, the U.S.

Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for

Disease Control and some really, really expensive spy satellites that the

French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers

only.



** General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of

Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not

nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,

Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with no decent shops.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and

Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization are

champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to

think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One

continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on

speaking in French, though many WILL speak English, if shouted at.



** People

France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink

and smoke (the other 4 million are small children).

All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and

have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in

general, gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined;

those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic,

though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are

communists.

Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each

other when they meet. American travelers are advised to travel in groups

and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition.



** Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware

that from time to time it is invaded by Germany.

Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a

temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and the increased difficulty in

getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.



** History

France's historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,

Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for manyyears

and is now an airport.



** Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are

held more or less continuously and always result in a draw.

The French love administration so for governmental purposes, the country

is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns,

communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its

own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the

Upper and Lower (though confusingly they are both on the ground floor), and

Whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be

trusted by the traveler.

Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the

South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries

complain.

According to the most current American State Department intelligence,

the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not

available at this time.



** Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see

why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie

that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.



** Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just

a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent,

although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this.



** Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in

Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If

they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike

and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.

France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are

wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade

launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments

and cheese.



** Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its

361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,

16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph

as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into ExileDays,

17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 France is Great and the

Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.



** Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a

temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French

people did not inhabit it. The best thing that can be said for Franceis

that it is not Germany.

 

Naughty lady movie

Take a look, I think you'll agree that both ladies in the movie are a little naughty.

 

Whoa. When I first watched it, my speakers weren't working. I watched the movie a couple of times, thinking, 'Whoa, that brown haired woman is haaaaahhhttttt..'

Then, I figured out why my speakers weren't working, and I watched the movie again, this time with sound. Wow. What do you do in that situation? What can you do? Ho ho. What a laugh. "I felt it!!"





A couple of one-liners.

What's the leading cause of divorce?

Marriage.


What do a Texas tornado and a Georgia divorce have in common?

Somebody's losing a mobile home.