who needs a laugh

Okay here is one.

There is a guy who goes to a whore house. He says to the guy excuse me sir but I only have 50 bucks. What can I get for this? The owner says give me the money and go to room 123 and turn off the lights and get ready for a lady I will send up. The guy goes to his room and does what the man says. About 10min a woman walks in the door and says lets start baby and they do. (Remember its dark the guy can't really see her) She is moaning while they fuck and all the good stuff until the guy says to her. Man baby aren't you a little rough? She says O? Really? One second let me fix that. She goes in the bathroom and he hears her moaning super loud. He thinks damn she is really getting ready! She comes back out and they fuck again. He says damn girl you really are smooth now what did you do? She said well I just picked my scabs!

Is this not sick or what?! LOL :lol: :lol:

 

haven't we heard THAT one before as well????.... see feret, it's easy to be sarcastic and not helpful by posting something we haven't seen, so here's some letters from santa that the elves didn't proof read.

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in rubbish disposal. How about I send you a fucking dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the Space Ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa
P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked a lot of pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Lego in the
meantime and let's see if you can build up a family with those.

Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
I'll tell you what, I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so when you get here I can kick sense into your fucking head. Who names their kid "Francis" anyway? I bet you're gay. I'll send you the Village People album instead.

Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the trot's and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.

Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one crapy day a year, I get to send toys to all you little fuckers!

Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?.

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that fucking stupid?, i'm not even real you dumb bitch!, I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family to death in their sleep for having such a stupid child! I'm skipping your house.

Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney, begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't fly up here. You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head.

Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home,

Love, Marky

Mark,
First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house you live in a low-rent apartment complex in Redfern. I can get inside your shithole just like all the hobo's in town do. I will mail your mom some crack the week before Christmas and she will leave me a key. I am sending you food stamps for Christmas!

Your friend, Santa



that's right, i'm back for a couple of weeks, till the shit hit's the fans again.

 

Glad you're back mrnobodie. Those were great. I'm afraid I've soiled myself from laughing so hard. I especially loved this:

 

thanks retard, my personal favorite was the one where santa tell's her that he isn't real...... you can taste the irony...... mmmm, tasty. here's something that a friend posted at another forum that i decided to share* with you all.


A radio station in the Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives. The following are the final four place getters:


4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!.
The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled surprise. My entire family... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again.


2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear. PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE. That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax for thumbtacks. In a very business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system:

DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?


AND THE WINNER IS!
This one happened at a major Australian University in October last year.

In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female, raised her hand and asked, If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar? That's correct. responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, Then why doesn't it taste sweet?
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word walked out of the class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!



*okay i'm stealing it, you happy now?.

 

well if no-one's going to contribute to this questionable idea gone beserk, then it fall's upon me to do so...... for shame people...... for shame....... here's a women joke.....



I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off...? I think not.

 

Wow...that uni one was great...keep 'em coming, mrnobodie.

 

Sorry mrnobodie. I'll back ya up.. Here's one that's kinda questionable in taste

What's the difference between a faggot and a refrigerator?




A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull out your meat.

 

I don't get it, but it sounds funny!

Here is one I posted somewhere else.


Three lizards went on a vacation.

The first got in the sink.

He came back and said "I had a great time."

The second went into the bathtub.

He came back and said "I had a great time."

The third went into the toilet.

He came back and said "It was kind of wierd. First there was a huge clap of thunder and the wind picked up. Then it began to rain, and I was nearly drowned by a giant log!!!"

 

MAN THESE JOKES ARE GOOD. But DANGEROUS at least to me. I might even die of laughter one day(which is possible, particularly if you have laughing disease, not that I do) Whenever I read/hear a good joke I laugh like a hyena LITERALY. I go Heeehhaa hheeahhaha hoooo and something like that, for up to half an hour on the same old joke and the back of my head gets numb and I fall to the ground curled up and up to the extent I choke and occasionally gasp for air, my face turns red and sometimes people around me think I'm mad. In fact, b4 writing this I was choking on my saliva and it spilt across my whole screen and everyone in the house heard it and said"what's so funny". Strangest thing is, I can't help but watch...... A joke sent veggies and pepper out of my nose once, I laughed so much i puked my lunch once too. AM I LYING? NO, I JUST GET EXCITED OVER THE SMALLEST THINGS. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I don't have any good jokes, but here's a weird thing in my life: I am ALMOST AFRAID OF SINKS. Why? It hjappened last year when i was reading a notice board in my class(for some reason we have a sink at the back of the class) then, my classmate went to wash his hands and BOOM The sink crashed a piece of it flew up piercing my skin and bone. For some reason, it didn't hurt and my classmates just stared blankly for 10 seconds and suddenly one says"you know, you should go to the nurse" I would, if I could use the cut leg, I told them. Still those dumbfounded people just stared and gasped a girl turned away to puke as i grabbed my leg lifting it up and down. No surprise there, My whole sock was fulla blood and it the blood in my shoe began squirting out, I didn't get help until I stepped out of the class (The teacher was not in) and thank goodness I got help then, Two people came out, one to keep my wound closed with some tissue and the other to carry me downstairs. The next "attack" happened when the new sink was fixed in. One of the pipes burst open and sprayed me all over. The latest 'attack" happened while I was washing the veggies. I was turning the tap off when it just flew off hitting my chin and sent water spraying tothe ceiling. So folks, whenever using a sink BE VERY CAREFUL. I have more freak accidents that happen to me if you want to know. Funny how come I'm not afraid of getting injured. Nearly died twice, didn't get scared.

 

That is sooo funny!!! :lol:

Except for the sink stuff. That is rather scary.
I have never had trouble with a sink before... You must be born under a sign or something...

Seriously, though, that is wierd. I can laugh pretty wierd, myself, but not quite THAT bad.

BTW, did your leg fully heal?

I read of a kid who got the hiccups, once, and he has had them ever since for nearly three years!!!

 

That chat log is hilarious, DU.

It also reminds me of a joke.

*ahem*

Why don't 80-year-old women get a lot of play?






Have you ever looked inside a grilled-cheese sandwich?

 

That's very funny, DU! Nice one!

BTW, what the heck is cheese?

 

THE FIRST AFFAIR:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes,he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock. "The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

THE SECOND AFFAIR:
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

THE THIRD AFFAIR:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead mans' schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

THE FOURTH AFFAIR:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

THE FIFTH AFFAIR:
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 pence." "ONE PENCE?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "yes." So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man? "4 pence," he replies. "FOUR PENCE?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

THE SIXTH AFFAIR:
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

THE SEVENTH AFFAIR:
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with a loving pet name. The couple had been married for almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to the host and said, "I think its wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife all those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

 

Oh! That's good! Nice one, mrnobodie!

Hmm... Too bad my dad doesn't let me post some of his poems around here. They can be pretty funny! :grin:

I'll try to get one around if I can...

 

i was going to post a christmas joke but i thought i'd save it for tomorrow, so here's one unrelated to christmas......



A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

 

I heard this poem it's called vices

Whisky kills your liver
beer just kills your brains
sex leads to pregnancy
ciggarettes give you cancer
casinos make you poor
marujuana makes you happy
guess which ones against the law.

I know it's not a fucking haiku

say it out loud

if jesus is the ultimate sacrifice than why is sinning bad

 

Amos, it's nice to see you back and all, but, that wasn't much of a joke now was it...... i'm sure you could do better if you tried. anyway here's that "joke" i promised......., ok it's not much of a joke either, i'm sorry.


Only at Christmas...... could you get away with saying the following phrases:

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, i've got plenty left!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once.
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!


wait a minute...... did someone say haiku!. guess what i'm gonna do

*edit* on the other hand the last post was on the 5th of april, i think it's quite happy being buried on page 12..... let's keep it there shall we.