who needs a laugh

1. There is a military camp in a desert and there are only men in there. A new officer after being there for two weeks begins to look for a way to comfort himself. So he asks one private what they do about it.
"Well we have an old camel in the stable".
"You sick pervert" said officer and went away.
Another week passed and he asked a corporal what they do around here to comfort themselves;
"Well we have an old camel in the stable".
"You sick pervert" said officer and went away.
Another week passed and the officer, who is about to explode right now, decided to ask the main officer about it. Again he heard the same answer. By this time he was so desperate howeve rthat he went into th estable and fucked the old camel. Finally pleased he went out and said to a passing by soldier:
"This camel is old indeed"
"True, but it can still carry you to the nearest town."


2. A drug addict was sent to hell and a devil told him that he'll take him to a place where the addict will spend the rest of eternity. On their way a drug addict noticed marihuana seeds and asked devil to stay here so that he could grow himself some pot. Devil refused and on the went. After some time the addict noticed small marihuana trees and asked devil to stay. The devil refused again, as he told the addict it gets better the further they go. After some time there was a whole drug field but again the devil didn't allow the addict to stay. More time passed and they arrived at a party with girls dancing, music playing and fresh joints lying ready to use on the table. The addict just couldn't believe his eyes.
"This is it - said the addict - I don't want to go any further I just want to stay here."
"Are you sure?" - devil asked.
"Yeah, yeah just give me some fire"
"Whoah man, would there be any fire in here this place would be heaven.

 

Waddya call an elf with his head between his legs?
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... A goblin!

 

• Whaddya call an elf with his head between his legs?
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  ...Ioo's Mom. (*rimshot*)
  
  
• What's brown and sticky?
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  ...A stick
  
  
• A guy walks into a bar...
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  OUCH!

_________________

Voted "World's Scariest Pervert, 2001" by Sheriff Fatman

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Milo on 2001-12-20 11:40 ]</font>

 

Milo, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to arrest you for excessive use of lists during a post. That one was purely gratuitous.

Your jokes were borderline criminal too

 

So there's a guy, and he decides (for reasons of his own) to have his girlfriend Wendy's name tattooed onto, of all places, his penis. Now, when it's hard the whole word is visible - but the rest of the time, all that one can read is the W and the Y.
Well one day he goes to a public bathroom, and as he's using the urinal a jamaican guy wanders in and takes the other urinal. Glancing over the divider, he notices the Jamaican also has the letters W and Y tattoed to his penis. "Is your girlfreind also named Wendy?" he asks.
"No mon. Mine says, Welcome to Jamaica mon have a nice day."

hur hur hur

 

What's big, yellow, and hurts when it falls on you from a tree?


























A bulldozer.

A cruise ship goes aground one day on a deserted island. After some time, the rescue boat comes, and finds the lone survivor. He is surrounded by a massive pile of bones - the bones of the people from the ship.

He hung his head in shame. "Please don't judge me harshly. I had to survive on something. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The resuce leader said "I can't blame you for wanting to live - but gods man! Your boat only went aground yesterday!"

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids. He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already.

signs you have a problem with beer
1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 You can focus better with one eye closed.
11 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14 Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15 At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

 

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentlman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."


A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?"

"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?"

The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?"

"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."

Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy."

 

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."



A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor and asked, How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way. The doctor told him, I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week. So he took four tongue depressors, formed a neat little four-sided bandage and wired it all together -- an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on his honeymoon. That night, in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of knockers. This was the first time he saw them. She said, You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. He whips off his pants and says, Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

c'mon guys, i'm doing all the work here, i can't be the only one who knows any jokes can i :razz:

 

well mrnobodie, heres another one:

A doctor sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm!

The next time the old man had an appointment, the doc says, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful."

"I didn't say that... I said, You've got a heart murmur, be
careful!"

 

Hoho, good one, Skie :thumbup:

Glad to see you're back at work and able to post once again. D'ya think you'll be getting an internet connection at home any time in the near future?

 

I got one, I got one!!! :smile:

This old man always wanted a motorcycle. But all he could ever afford was a moped. Well, one day, while in town, the old man saw a man pull up on a Ninja. Red, flames, chrome, the works. The old man is practically drooling on himself. He goes over to the motorcycle and is admiring it when the young man who rode in on it asked, "Would you like to sit on it?" The old man nodded and sat on the bike, admiring every feature. The old man asked, "Does it go fast?" The young man took pity on the old man and thought he would show him just how fast it would go. So the young man climbs on, yells, "Hang on!!" and in 20 seconds he's going 95 miles an hour. The young man looks back and the old man is not sitting behind him. But he notices, several hundred yards behind him is a brown speck that is gaining on him. He soon realizes that speck is the old man. The old man comes WHHOOOOOSSSSHHH!!!!!! zinging by the young man on his bike. Soon, the young man notices that same brown speck appear in front of him, several hundred yards ahead. It gains on him, and sure enough, it's the old man again. WHHOOOOOSSSSHHH!!!! The old man comes flying by again, heading the opposite direction this time. The young man thought, The hell with this, and he guns the engine. 10 seconds later, he's going 145 mph. He looks back and here comes the old man again, but this time the old man plows into the bike, and there is a horrible BOOM!!!!! Well, when the young man regained consciousness, he staggers over to where the old man is laying, and says, "Old man? You alright? What the hell was going on?"

The old man looks at him and says, "Do me a favor. Unhook my suspenders from your motorcycle."

:lol: A friend told me this one and I like to pissed myself.

 

i got few..
Q:why the appartments in Manhetten(New York) now cost more?
A:because now they have a veiw to the sea!
(sorry Americans,nothing personal)




Hittler is standind on a cliff,and a group of Jews is standing next to him...
he calls one of them,and start to put the jew in some position(leg-up,arm-left for example)
he puts the jew in the position he wanted and pushes him from the cliff...
he calls another one and do the same to him,
another one...another one...
while he's shaping a new jew some officer comes there...
officer:hittler sir!
you are needed at the base!
hittler:cant you see that i'm in the middle of a tetris game?!
(sorry for my bad english...it was hard to translate it)





A man is walking in the desert with his cammel,and he's just dying for some sex..
well he decides to screw his cammel!
he tried to approach the cammel from the back but the cammel ran away,he tried every day,and every day he failed...
one day he found a beutiful girl who said that she will do anything for some water...
the man gives her some water...
the girl:"so what would you like me to do for you?"
man:"hmm.. i dont know...

could you hold my cammel for me?"

 

i have some more...
Q:What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
A:Broke!

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

The worst oppenning lines:
8. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again if I was on you I would be coming too.
7. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Frank?
6. The word of the day is legs, let's go back to my car and spread the word.
5. If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can we meet between the holidays?
4. You look lost, would you like directions to my bed?
3. Are you a thief? Because I just met you and you've already stolen my heart.
2. I lost my phone number can I have yours?
1. Baby, I'd drag my herpes-encrusted pecker through a mile of broken glass just to eat the corn out of your shit!

 

I don't have a joke, sorry! But I DO have a nifty litle website for you all to visit to get some more...
http://www.comedycentral.com

Well obviously they have some jokes there. Enjoy!

 

*bump*

:wink:

PS whats the most popular pickup line in gay bars?



can i push your stool in?

heh i can say that cuz im gay... eros rex even gave me this nifty badge!

 

my best pick up line is "do you have a fever, cause you look pretty hot"

 

don't even get me started on the bad pickup lines...

 

bad.... hang on, that's my best line you bastard, lol, anyway let's here the lines, c'mon let's hear them

 

"I like my women like i like my coffee... on the rocks"

"Are you from the carribean? cuase jamaican my heart throb..."

"may i end this sentence in your colon?"

"ill give you four to 1 odds you cant screw a hooker..."

have i beaten you back yet?