who needs a laugh

DarkUnderlord · Nov 22, 2002

Dumb real Laws

In Atlanta:
Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
One man may not be on another man's back.

In Japan:
There is no age of consent

In Montana:
Seven or more indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style.
It is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

In Thailand:
It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
You must wear a shirt while driving a car.
You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you're caught throwing away chewed bubble gum on the sidewalk. If you do not pay the fine, you are jailed.
No one may step on any of the nation's currency.

In Missouri:
It is illegal to have oral sex.
It is not illegal to speed

In Chicago:
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
Spitting is forbidden
In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.
It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.

In Illinois:
You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation.
You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
The English language is not to be spoken.

In Palestine:
Jews are allowed to kill Palestinians.
Palestinians are not allowed to throw rocks at soldiers shooting at them.

In Connecticut:
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited.
It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind

In Georgia:
Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
Signs are required to be written in English.
No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.

In Hawaii:
All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.

In Honolulu :
Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird.

In Delaware:
It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

In England:
With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.
All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.
It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).
It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third person.
A bed may not be hung out of a window.
Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked manequin

In Canada:
30% of a radio stations content must be "Canadian Content".
You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.

In Nova Scotia/ Canada:
When raining, a person may not water his/her lawn.

In Singapore:
Failure to flush a public toilet after use may result in very hefty fines.
It is illegal to pee in an elevator.
It is considered an offense to enter the country with cigarettes.
Cigarettes are illegal at all public places.
It is illegal to come within 50 meters of a pedestrian crossing the street.
If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays with a bib on saying,"I am a litterer." This will then be broadcasted on the local news.
Chewing gum on subways may result in fines and/or jail time.
The sale of gum is prohibited.
Homosexuals are not allowed to live in the country.
Oral sex is illegal unless it is used as a form of foreplay.
Pornography is illegal.
As it is considered pornographic, you may not walk around your home nude.

In Switzerland:
It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment.
A man may not relieve himself while standing up, after 10 P.M.
Though it is illegal to produce, store, sell and trade absinth (special alcohol), it is legal to consume it.
It is required that every car with snow tires has to have a sticker on its dashboard which tells that the driver should not drive faster than 160 km/h with these tires.
The highest speed allowed on national freeways is 120 km/h.
If you forget you car-keys inside the car and you leave the car open, you will be punished.
Clothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday.
You may not wash your car on a Sunday.
It is considered an offense to mow your lawn on a Sunday, because it causes too much noise.

In Arizona:
Hunting camels is prohibited.
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

In Scotland:
You may not fish on Sundays.
It is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow.
Trespassing on someone else's land is legal.
You are presumed guilty until proven innocent for some crimes.
If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you must let them enter.

In South Korea:
Traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.

In Indiana
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
Oral sex is illegal.
A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.
It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks

In Guadalajara
Women who work for the government of the city of Guadalajara, may not wear miniskirts or any other "provacative" garment during office hours.
It is illegal to shout offensive words in any public place

In Iowa
Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

In Toronto
At a massage Parlor, it's legal for an attendant and the client to be nude while giving a massage, but it's illegal for any sex act to take place.

In Denmark
Before starting your car you are required to check lights, brakes, steering and honk your horn. You also need to make a visual check to make sure there are no children underneath the car.
No one may start a car while someone is underneath the vehicle

In France:
Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of music on the radio must be by French artists.
It is illegal to kiss on railways in france.
No pig may be addressed as Napoleon by its owner.
In Antibes/France
It is illegal to take photos of police officers or police vehicles, even if they are just in the background.

In Paris
An ashtray is considered to be a deadly weapon.

In Germany:
Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.
It is illegal to wear a mask.
A pillow can be considered a "passive" weapon.

In Norway:
You may not spay your female dog or cat. However, you may neuter the males of the species.

In Italy:
It is illegal to practice the profession of charlantry.
A man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.
Striking someone with a fist is considered a felony.

In Wyoming:
It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement.
It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.

In Saudi Arabia:
It is illegal to kiss a stranger.
A woman may not drive a car.
It is considered an offense if a woman appears in public, unless accompanied by a male relative or guardian
Male doctors may not examine women, and women doctors cannot examine men.

In California:
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants

In Arkansas:
The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"
A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.
Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs

In Minnesota:
A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.
It is illegal to sleep naked.
All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.
Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
Oral sex is prohibited.
All bathtubs must have feet

Idaho:
It's illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
You may not fish on a camel's back.
Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

Boise:
Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.

Coeur d' Alene:
If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car.

Pocatello:
A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view." A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.

South Carolina:
By state law, if a man promises to marry an
unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.

Nevada:
It is still legal for a person to hang another for killing their dog on their own property.

Florida:
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Rhode Island:
Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. -SECTION 11-40-1
It is illegal to coast downhill in your car with your transmission in neutral, or with the clutch disengaged.

Colorado:
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

The Netherlands:
It is semi-legal to smoke pot.
Prostitution is legal but the prostitutes must pay taxes like any other business.
It is not legal to sell beer and wine on Sunday, but mixed drinks are available by the glass.

Alabama
It is illegal to impersonate any type of minister, of any religion

South Carolina
Merchandise may not be sold within a half mile of a church unless fruit is being sold

Fort Madison, Iowa
The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

China:
Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.
It is illegal to wear a mask.
A pillow can be considered a "passive" weapon.
You may only have one child, or you will have to pay a fine.
To go to college you must be intelligent.

DarkUnderlord · Nov 22, 2002

Thanksgiving
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing ... DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife ...
"Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

xento · Nov 22, 2002

DarkUnderlord said:

Thanksgiving
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing ... DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife ...
"Okay," he says, "they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Click to expand...

That is pretty good, DU.

That law thing is awesome! Must have taken an hour to write! Took me forever to read it!!!

To add another law, it is illegal to wear boots in bed in North Dakota. The story is that cowboys used to buy a hotel room and go up to it late a night. They were too tired to take off their boots, so they slept in them... and left a stinky surprise for the maid/next sleeper.

DarkUnderlord · Nov 22, 2002

nbrosz said:

That law thing is awesome! Must have taken an hour to write! Took me forever to read it!!!
Click to expand...

Three hours actually. A lot of work went into that list. A lot of work.

Jarinor · Nov 22, 2002

Here's some not so funny laws from Saudi Arabia:

You can legally shoot trespassers.

Murders can be punished with the paying of "blood money" (essentially compensation to the victim's family, usually quite substantial) or whippings of up to 500 lashes, which usually results in death. Other punishments are also available.

Thieves' hands are still chopped off.

Public executions still take place.

Religious police ensure that Islam is the only religion allowed - it's illegal to have, say, a Christian ceremony, even in the privacy of your own home.

The word "Christ" cannot be seen in public, even as part of another word. So you won't see "Christian Dior" anywhere.

The government holds your passport for you.

xento · Nov 22, 2002

My dad told me a true joke he read:

One of the USA presidents (I forget who, but he is really fat) goes to a meeting. There was a man named Aundre De Peuw (awn dra dE pu) who didn't like this president much, so he pointed at his fat belly and asked "What are you going to name it?"

The president smiled and replied "If it is a boy, I will name it Ralph, if it is a girl, I will name it Jenny, but in the quite likely even that it is just gas, I shall name it Aundre De Peuw!"

Menion Ravenlock · Nov 22, 2002

The president was I think was the Grover guy. That was really good tell your dad thanks for the nice joke lol! :lol:

xento · Nov 23, 2002

Menion Ravenlock said:

The president was I think was the Grover guy. That was really good tell your dad thanks for the nice joke lol! :lol:
Click to expand...

Ya, grover... Forgot his name...

Drugar · Nov 25, 2002

Famous last words of Fallout

They're only Mantis!
I'm sure Ian can kill that Deathclaw for me.
Oh, my companions won't shoot me AGAIN...
I'll save this stimpack for when I REALLY need it.
What happens if I shoot at the Overseer?
I'll wait another hour and kill 3 more Deathclaws for experience.
I have 145% in Energy Weapons. I cannot possibly miss.
I thought I had a stimpack left!
I wonder what happens if I insult him?
I'll use my last AP to fire instead of using a stimpack.
NO! I will NOT put my gun away!
Let me steal that shiny Gatling Laser gun from the Brotherhood Guard.
I'll spend my money on a new weapon instead of armor.
All I have to do is sneak pass these SuperMutants.
Please! They're only villagers. Let me take a shot at one..."
Uh, Gizmo... could you repeat what you just said into my pocket?
Oh course I'm going to take your water chip! My people need water!
I did drop the dynamite right?
Why pay for it when I can steal it?
Whoops! I bought the wrong ammo/power supply!
Maybe if I act tough. I can scare them...
I'm sure the police will help me out.
I think I'll lockpick Doc Morbid's locker...
These robots at the GLOW have injured me. Let me rest and heal.
I'm sure Ian will kill the SuperMutant with the Rocket Laucher I gave him.
Please! How much skill do you need to throw a grenade?
I killed the Master but I sure am tired... I think I'll rest up by the church.
I've got Ian right behind me backing me up with an SMG. I should be all right... right?
Rhombus is an @$$. I think I'll take his stylostic thingamajiger.
These Blade punks are puny. This assassination job will be a breeze.
Those brahmin don't look so tough.
I'll just kill a few villagers then leave.
I wonder if I set the bomb right? Better go check.
Tycho is really annoying me. I think I'll shot him in the leg as a warning.
I don't need anymore stimpacks.
I wonder what would happen if I just shot Killian in the arm once or twice?
Damn! Coming to the Watershed with only my knife was a bad idea.
That Super Mutie over there looks like a target with experience written all over it! I'd better not pass this up!
Alright Decker! You and your men are comin' with me, dead or alive! Now all I got to do is wait for the cops to come down those stairs.
I'll save the game after I win this fight...
Hmmm, I think I'll try to punch out Kane, with just my leather jacket on.
How tough could that Hub police officer be?
I'll try to sneak past Harry.
How can I go wrong with giving Ian automatic weapons?
I'm sure Ian will put away his knife and pull out his 14mm THIS turn.
Instead of buying ammo for me, I'll buy some armor for Ian instead.
I can take these RadScorpions with my spear. How hard can they be?
I'll go after the Raiders now... So what if I only have a 10mm pistol and have 40% with small guns?
Its just ONE Death Claw...
Is Radiation bad?
SuperMutants? Ha! I laugh at them..What's a 'Plasma Rifle'?
Bah! Who needs stim packs?
There are only 4 of them and I DO have Ian with a uzi...
Finally, friends...
This combat armor is to heavy to carry. I'll leave it here.
I'll steal from this one. He'll never notice.
Hey, a bomb. Wow, I'm lucky.
Hit me! Hit me! Haha! You CAN'T hit me!! Haha! Haha!
DOH!!!!
Are radiation points some sort of cool bonus score? If they are, I got an awesome 1567 radiation points!
Man, this A-Bomb can't possibly work! It's been 80 years after the war and I'm sure the circuitry inside is fried. I think I'll stand right here next to the thing until it is 'supposed' to explode.
Hey look! I encountered a merchant-party! Let's trade!
Ian can waste 'em with his SMG.
He can't hit me from there!
Is it just me or did she just whip out a mini-gun.
The Death Claw will be dead so soon Ian can have my last stimpack.
Ha! I laugh at Hub Police.
My rocket won't hit that wall in front of me.
Those Death Claws must be ready to die, no need to run.
I'll see what's left of a rat when I hit it point-blank with a rocket!
How difficult can raiders be?
I'm so good I don't even need to put on my Power Armor for a group SuperMutants!
Ian won't hit me again!
OK, by the law of averages I'll make a critical hit now.
Real men don't need armor.
Oh S***! I'm short one action point.
I've got enough ammo.
Ian can't hit me while I'm behind him.
Baah! Who needs "Power Armor" anyway?
They'll never see me while I'm wearing a "Stealth Boy"!
Well, why don't you put your gun away, first, officer?
Hey guys, watch me throw a rock at this SuperMutant.
I can take that SuperMutant, he isn't even wearing body armor!
Dogmeat will hold that Deathclaw off while I reload.
For a change of pace, we will be running into this base, guns blazing.
I'm sure that Buffout will do me only good.
I sure that the funny red door in the military base won't hurt me.
Is this rocket launcher idiot-proof?
I wonder that this little red button will do?
IÃ‚Â´m tough! I`ll just attack Master without armor.
The Leather Armor will help me in the 'Glow'.
I can take on those Gun Runners. There machinists not Warriors.
I can just shoot that guard guy, take his gun and run off, it's not like I'm coming back to Shady Sands.
10 seconds is PLENTY or time to drop dynamite.
Critical failure?!?? What the hell's a critical failure?!??
I'll pick up that ammo on the way back. It's not like it will vanish.
That atomic bomb is all the way down there. I'm in a church what can happen?
That computer in the Glow looks dumb. Let's see how many times I can win from it!
Let's see how far I can go without armor and only a 10mm pistol in the Mutant Base!
Lets see how tough Maxson REALLY is!
The Overseer is a real @!$@#! Lets see how many bullets he can hold!
I Recond this 'Lou' fellow will be a nice chap.
1.Stimpaks are for wussies.
Armor is for wussies.
Katja's a crack shot with a throwing knife! She'll kill a lot of enemies for me.
I don't need any more weapons at the Military Base. The Brotherhood soldiers will back me up.
Oops! I forgot to heal my eye before I attacked the Master.
With this Hardened Power Armor, I should be able to kill the Brotherhood of Steel.
What's down this steel shaft?
Okay I'm out of the military base! I'll just hide behind these rocks and watch the place blow.
I've got ten intelligence. I know I can beat Zax at chess.
I'll read all these books here at the Glow. I don't want to add to my carry weight.
This must be the lock with Hightower's necklace. I can't wait to open it!
I'll show that "Thief's Guild" what I think about their so called defenses.
With these robes on... no one will notice me in the Mutant Base or the Master's Vault.
I'm sure my fellow brothers at the Brotherhood of Steel won't mind me picking this little ol' lock on the storage door.
That Brotherhood of Steel trainer is wrong. I'll show him how to throw a proper punch.
I'm getting sick of shutting down these force fields. I'll just step thought one the these red ones.
Here's don't do drugs, not even Rad-Away.
I'll take lots of Buffout to increase my radiation resistance.
I'm sure I can reach the exit grid in my next turn.
4%? That's the chance I'll miss right?
I'll dump some of my healing supplies so I can carry more loot.
Hi Lorenzo! I promise to have your money by next week.
I know I got Power Armor, but this leather jacket just look so much cooler.
I'll just rescue the Brotherhood of Steel initiate. It's only two thugs.
Wow! 1300 caps for killing this Decker guy! How hard could it possibly be?
This MUST be a bug. It says I have damaged eyes... but I can see everything just fine.
I'm sure laser pistols fall under small guns.
I'll use my Speech skill and talk myself out of this situation.
I think Ian needs a bigger gun.
My goodness that IS a big rocket launcher! Here Ian, give it a try!
Okay Ian, since you have not shot me in the back for a while, you can have my 14mm.
I want a fair fight. Since SuperMutants don't wear armor... I don't wear armor.
Ian will never run from a battle... IAN???
What the hell is THAT?
Just a few more turns and I'll save.
Those Brotherhood Guards won't mind if I go though the front door.
I missed??? MISSED??? I can't miss... I have a 95 percent chan....
I'm pretty sure I can't take those mutants without guns. After all I need to save my ammo.
How hard can a punching SuperMutant be? He's just punching!
Hey! I thought I had enough ammo!

The List of things to do when you're an Evil Overlord

I'll give ye the story of Drugar tomorrow, it's wonderfull, written by a friend of mine. Hardcore Scottish though....(see the sig)
[/url]

Icairus · Nov 26, 2002

This is from:
http://rpgplanet.com/arcanum/fanfiction/junklist.shtml

You Know You Are an Arcanum Junkie if:
1. You insult your friends by saying... Sure, stab me in the back Virgil, Magnus etc.
2. You rate people's abilities in terms of 13, 14, 17.
3. You've finally found and bought Mr.Vorman's portrait.
4. You understood that reference.
5. When people ask about your past you say that you "Survived a blimp crash and can't remember much else."
6. You keep telling people that you are Nasrudin Incarnate like as if it should MEAN something to them.
7. You've renamed your dog, Dog.
8. You buy excessive quantities of tea cakes and eat them because "...it's the only sweet in the world!"
9. You dump your girlfriend for someone named Raven.
10. You refer to multivitamins as Revitaliser.
11. You injure yourself and immediately look for Healing Salves.
12. You demand people refer to you as your character's name.
13. You drive through the desert looking for Tulla.
14. You're convinced that Stonehedge is just a cover name for the Ring of Brodgar.
15. You tell people you live just east of Shrouded Hills.
16. You refer to your grandfather as Stennar Rockcutter.
17. You send Tim Cain large sums of money and many thank you notes because you don't have to walk in those annoying zig-zag patterns anymore.
18. You understood that.
19. You request time off of work because "You must look for your friend Virgil who left you."
20. You send stalker mail to Tim Cain.
21. You keep modifying your father's collection of pistols, vainly attempting to create Droch's Warbringer.
22. You list 23 Vermillion Road, Tarant as your address on employment applications.
23. You get really bummed when restaurants don't carry Void Lizard Steak.
24. You have more than 20 screenshots of your character in action.
25. You refer to your computer as "My marvelous Electro Dynamo!"
26. You refuse to admit the fact that ANY information can be stored on anything BUT books.
27. You have a picture of Jayna at work.
28. You think of your talents/skills in terms of apprentice/expert/master.
29. You've attempted to pay for something in gold pieces stamped with obscure figureheads which you insist are "THE OLD KINGS OF ARCANUM!"
30. You replay the game because you've missed an obscure dialog line which only occurs on a particular day, on a particular time and only if you're drunk.
31. You expect tech charts to disappear after you study them.
32. You're afraid to visit your doctor because "You're not much good with bank robbers."
33. You understood that.
34. You have your wife reenact your favourite fantasy "Ok honey, your name is Bunny and we're gonna roll in the dirty...just as soon as I find that damn Amulet of Beauty..."
35. You're still reading this list.
36. You have time to create a web page devoted to Arcanum.
37. You get the flu and swear that you've been poisoned by Grumwalde.
38. You know who this is.
39. You explore caves looking for the Ghost of Bessie Toone.
40. You visit people's homes and have this overwhelming urge to loot everything.
41. You feel guilty going to work because "Arronax will destroy the world!"
42. You search the Yellow Pages for P.Schuyler and Sons Inc.
43. You wire ahead to Elder Joachim and ask for specific information on the Molochean Hand.
44. You actually understood what all that was about.
45. You refer to your physician as "Doc Roberts"
46. You've been banned from church for yelling out "GO IN THE LIGHT OF NASRUDIN!"
47. You've thrown away mousetraps and bought a gun instead.
48. You have fantasies about Raven.
49. You have fantasies about Raven and Jayna together.
50. Your friends send you out on a food run and you go to another country. After all, you have all the time in the world to complete "THE QUEST".
51. You throw a birthday party and put "Happy Level 19" instead of their age.
52. You go to a pit fight and are disappointed not to see elven wizards and ogres participating.
53. You call up your mother in law and ask if she needs any favours done in exchange for sex with her daughter.
54. You've given serious consideration to remodelling your house after the Bates mansion.
55. You've listed Sebastian, Franklin Payne and Vollinger as character references on a job application.
56. You list "Master of Persuasion" as a talent when applying for a burger joint job.
57. Sharon Shellman sends you email saying "Arcanum 2 will be out in a year or so ... STOP BOTHERING ME!"
58. Your therapist has classed you as paranoid for your belief that "You're the incarnation of a powerful elf wizard. Only human. Er..."
59. You've no fear of taking on 5 real life thugs at the same time...after all you've slain demons and Shamblers.
60. You've made Ma Cookhill's Halfling Bread. (GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!...It was good...
61. You've signed "Merwin Tumblebrook" on a check.
62. You've written a 2000 page screenplay, called "Arcanum: The Movie."
63. You feel skeptical towards any professional training system that does not include killing rats, looting dead people and speaking to ghosts.
64. You leave some important shopping for the future "Until my Haggle Skill is better."
65. You carry grenades with you "because they're so light and handy for bartering."
66. You can't find China on the map but you know the exact longitude and latitude of all Arcanum locations.
67. You think you can chop someone in half with a rusty dagger.
68. You've found yourself saying "Now what would Elder Joachim do in this situation?"
69. You think that the undead actually EXIST and moreover, roam around in packs.
70. You think fluffy rabbits will come after you, morph into the Stillwater Giant and try to kill you.
71. You start referring to coffee as "Fatigue Restorer."
72. You're afraid of bunnies.
73. You understood that.
74. You think that wearing all-white suits will actually grant you the ability to sneak into other people's houses and steal all of their goodies...without anyone noticing a thing.
75. You can convert real world prices to their Arcanum gold equivalent within seconds.
76. You have a picture of a follower in your wallet but not one of your wife, kids, etc.
77. You draw on the roadmaps in your car the exact locations of Tarant, Caladon, Ashbury etc.
78. You become an exclusive lemon and potato farmer.
79. You know why.
80. When a follower dies, you fall on your keyboard screaming "NOOOO!!!!" and geekily whining, only to awake days later from your stupor.
81. You ditch your entire wardrobe in favour of a "SMOKING JACKET" or "ELEGANT DRESS" thinking that it'll make people want to give you things for free, sleep with you and tell you their secrets even if you're a butt ugly little wank (Or wankette respectively
82. You kill an innocent girl and when the police comes to get you, you keep digging in her closet screaming that "THE SWORD OF BALTHAS HAS TO BE HERE!!! HAS TO BE!!!"
83. You have a small shrine to Nasrudin in your closet.
84. You claim that the scar you got from crashing your bike when you were 5 was actually caused by a "Prodigious Vermin" and even though it's ugly, can be easily and fully healed by good ol' Doc Roberts in Shrouded Hills.
85. You understood every bit of that.
86. You send your dog, Dog, out to attack people you don't like.
87. You've been taken in on animal-cruelty charges for making your dog attack grizzly bears at the Zoo...and then trying to ressurect him with herbs.
88. You begin classifying people according to their looks by Halfling, Ogre, Orc, Elf, Gnome, etc...
89. You've dissected every clock in the house in search of a replacement "...groth" gear.
90. You can create a charater in under 15 seconds.
91. You asked your real-life friend Virgil if you could borrow his smoking jacket for "Your date with Raven."
92. He knew exactly what you were talking about and let you borrow it.
93. You searched the shed nearest to your doctor's office for healing supplies.
94. You carry a lantern with you at all times. Afterall, there's no telling when you might have to do some cave exploring.
95. You start remembering people's names along with hitpoints and fatigue.
96. You find yourself addressing people as "My Good Sir" or "Dear Madame" in casual conversation.
97. You always kill the previous owner when getting a dog because "He was mean to it anyway."
98. You're a doctor and you ONLY use bandages and herbs, stubbornly refusing all other forms of medicine as "nonexistent."
99. You take Dog to the zoo to feast on "Void Lizard flesh" instead of buying him dog biscuits.
100. You try and disprove every major religion by snooping around church back rooms.
101. You are afraid of graveyards. After all, the undead are a threat to be reckoned with.
102. You comb beaches looking for the "Shipwrecked Armadillo of Vendigroth".
103. You wonder why E.A. Poe mistook Raven for an animal.
104. When you think about it, you know why and you actually smile.
105. You spend your family vacation in the boonies searching for "QINTARRA!"
106. You've been caught sneaking around people's houses, smashing up all locked containers because "My lockpick skill wasn't good enough for them bastards!"
107. You refer to anyone large and strong as "CHUKKA".
108. You've been arrested for shoplifting and when questioned by the officer you said "But the money is automatically given when I take something!" Sadly, they did not believe you.
109. You've tried to buy groceries with poppy flowers, witchbane and old clock parts.
110. You go in a gun store and ask if they carry Shreck's Multi Barrelled Pistol.
111. You visit an Arcanum fansite every day.
112. You bought a violin just to be able to play the Arcanum soundtrack.
113. You go to brothels and look for sheep in the back room.
114. You stop at churches and ask for Alexander, First Warrior Priest.
115. You try murdering all dog owners you meet, in hope of their dog following you after their demise.
116. You go into a pharmacy and ask for healing salves, fatigue restorers and elixir of prowess.
117. You can't leave town without killing anyone around the outskirts.
118. You stop people on the street and ask for the latest gossip.
119. You also bug them about any jobs they need doing.
120. You call your grandpa Kerghan because he's so hateful
. 121. You go to a cosmetics shop and ask for Morning Star Perfume.
122. You go to the basement of a church and ask people "Where do you keep the relics of St. Mannox?"
123. You think that putting a magnet in your grandfather's top hat will turn it into the ultimate protection against bullets.
124. You die horribly because you apply the above principle.
125. Someone challenges you to a boxing duel and you laugh and say, "Hah, you can't hurt me, I have 5/5 Melee and Dodge, not to mention 219 hit points and fatigue, PLUS a natural armor class of 8.
126. You tell the post office that any letters addressed to Vermillion Road should be sent to your home.
127. You build a humongous door like obscurity in your back yard and call it a Shrine to Nasrudin.
128. You've been arrested numerous times for breaking into catacombs looking for "THE GEM OF MALACHI RETCH".
129. You think that Beethoven and Mozart all ripped off the Arcanum soundtrack for their "CRAP".
130. You read the Gunslinger Chronicles and think "Geesh, that guy had it easy!"
131. You think twice about making any kind of motion because you are wary of the action point cost.
132. You expect your friends to follow you at all times and wait by your bedside whilst you sleep.
133. You have Arcanum themes and sounds on your computer desktop.
134. You keep your box from Arcanum displayed on top of your TV.
135. You WANT to contribute to this list.
136. You have ALREADY written a list exactly like this one yourself.
137. You have tried to reprogam The Matrix to suit your Arcanum needs.
138. You get a job in the morgue so you can practice your newly acquired Conjure Spirit spell on those poor corpses.
139. You INVENT, PLAY and COMPETE in the Arcanum drinking game.
140. You understand everything in "You are an Arcanum Junkie If..."
141. You comb forests looking for Will-o-The-Wisps.
142. You refuse to drink wine because it'll make you stupid, willess and uncharismatic.
143. All day long you stare at mountainsides because you KNOW the secret entrance to the Wheel Clan has to be right THERE.
144. You look for Elder Joachim and Alexander in your church.
145. You are taking this list seriously.
146. You are disappointed when people don't give you change in gold pieces.
147. You sneak behind people to steal their things.
148. You don't "TRADE", you "BARTER!!!"
149. You ask for Mechanised Guns at your local gun shop.
150. You go to hardware stores and ask about Pyrotechnic Axes.
151. You kill innocent campers because they "Have the Mayor's Dagger!"
152. You understood that.
153. You've played the game multiple times to achieve ALL possible endings.
154. You can sketch PERFECTLY and recite ALL ending screens for the game.
155. You wonder why the local library does not carry any gunsmithy manuals that will actually ENABLE you to make awesome guns even if you fumble with Legos.
156. You call information service and ask for the Roseborough Inn
157. They can't help you so you ask for the address of the Wellington instead.
158. You've given serious consideration to joining the gang of a person named Darian.
159. You've coated your sneakers in aluminum foil and tried to convince yourself they were "ARMOR PLATED BOOTS."
160. You go on a road trip and hope you don't get any hostile encounters.
161. You are drafted into the army and wonder why they don't teach you Archery or Swordsmanship. What do they expect you to fight with? Guns? They were just invented and they are dangerous! Plus, you have Technophobia!
162. You lost your keys and try blowing your front door up with dynamite.
163. You insist on dressing your friends because "They don't know what's best for them!"
164. You wonder why your alarm clock doesn't have a "Rest Until Healed" button.
165. You haven't quite figured out how Fate Points will aplly to your life but you keep looking into it.
166. Instead of calling an exterminator you shoot bugs with a rifle.
167. You wonder why the local police officers aren't equipped with Guard Leather Armor and Swords.
168. You wear a ludicrous orange bathrobe and call yourself "KERGHAN".
169. You've been kicked out of football games for showing up dressed in tin-can armor.
170. You think you can heal scars and crippled limbs instantly using just bandages.
171. You think that everyone is right handed. Even if you are not.
172. "Home" on your Internet Browser takes you to "Arcanum.Sierra.Com"
173. You wonder why the Star Trek guy sounds just like Virgil.
174. You mimic Arcanum NPC speech patterns.
175. You have children named Preston, Gilbert, Cedric, Magnus, Thorvald and Lianna.
176. You wonder why time doesn't go by quickly when you walk the outskirts of a city.
177. You have pictures of Tim Cain in your room.
178. You've ever asked a drug dealer to hook you up with some absinthe.
179. You carry around bottles of cheap wine just in case any homeless people ask you for change.
180. You know why.
181. You only travel by train or boat. Blimps are dangerous. (You are unaware that they are actually, like, not in USE.)
182. You think that fights and gunshot wounds are incosequential (After all you've braved the Black Mountain mines and even defeated the Mighty Kerghan in the Void!). You can always just sleep them off.
183. You name the characters in HEARTS: Sebastian, Loghaire, Dog, Murgo.
184. You call any of your friends an ogre, halfling, gnome etc.
185. You think all dumb people are Frankenstein Monsters.
186. You refer to your teacher or boss as Kerghan the First of the Necromancers.
187. You ask everyone you meet if they'd like to join up with you.
188. You want to say something but can't find a match in your speech window.
189. You move only after everyone else has.
190. You present gypsies with obscure pieces of junk and FORCE them to "IDENTIFY IT!".
191. You carry a sword in front of policemen and expect them to be ok with it.
192. You kill vermin with pistols, axes and rifles.
193. You fail at something and then attempt to "LOAD A SAVED GAME".
194. You've searched the wilds for forgotten graveyards and hateful blind old people.
195. You found both.

Dragoon · Nov 27, 2002

HU'S ON FIRST

> > > (We take you now to the Oval Office.)
> > >
> > >
> > > George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
> > >
> > > Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of
> China.
> > >
> > > George: Great. Lay it on me.
> > >
> > > Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
> > >
> > > George: That's what I want to know.
> > >
> > > Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
> > >
> > > George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader
> of China?
> > >
> > > Condi: Yes.
> > >
> > > George: I mean the fellow's name.
> > >
> > > Condi: Hu.
> > >
> > > George: The guy in China.
> > >
> > > Condi: Hu.
> > >
> > > George: The new leader of China.
> > >
> > > Condi: Hu.
> > >
> > > George: The Chinaman!
> > >
> > > Condi: Hu is leading China.
> > >
> > > George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
> > >
> > > Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
> > >
> > > George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
> > >
> > > Condi: That's the man's name.
> > >
> > > George: That's who's name?
> > >
> > > Condi: Yes.
> > >
> > > George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the
> new leader of
> > > China?
> > >
> > > Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >
> > > George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he
> was in the
> > > Middle East.
> > >
> > > Condi: That's correct.
> > >
> > > George: Then who is in China?
> > >
> > > Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >
> > > George: Yassir is in China?
> > >
> > > Condi: No, sir.
> > >
> > > George: Then who is?
> > >
> > > Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >
> > > George: Yassir?
> > >
> > > Condi: No, sir.
> > >
> > > George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new
> leader of
> > > China.
> > >
> > > Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
> > >
> > > Condi: Kofi?
> > >
> > > George: No, thanks.
> > >
> > > Condi: You want Kofi?
> > >
> > > George: No.
> > >
> > > Condi: You don't want Kofi.
> > >
> > > George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
> glass of
> > > milk. And
> > > then get me the U.N.
> > >
> > > Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >
> > > George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
> > >
> > > Condi: Kofi?
> > >
> > > George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
> > >
> > > Condi: And call who?
> > >
> > > George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
> > >
> > > Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
> > >
> > > George: Will you stay out of China?!
> > >
> > > Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >
> > > George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the
> guy at the
> > > U.N.
> > >
> > > Condi: Kofi.
> > >
> > > George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get
> on the phone.
> > >
> > > (Condi picks up the phone.)
> > >
> > > Condi: Rice, here.
> > >
> > > George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls,
> too. Maybe we
> > > should send some to the guy in China. And the
> Middle East.
> > > Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Drugar · Nov 28, 2002

:lol: :razz: :lol: LOL!
That last one was sweet!

The Arcanum list too....I've played it too much.... :???:

Snowmane · Dec 2, 2002

What do you call a person who speaks two languages?

Bilingual

What do you call a person who speaks three languages?

Trilingual

What do you call a person that speaks one language?

American

(See, I'm not afraid to insult myself! Hah! Actually, I'm taking french and latin. =P)

xento · Dec 2, 2002

I read something like that China one above, but it was Abbot and Costello's Who's on First.

Windmills · Dec 3, 2002

That was the whole point, nbrosz.

xento · Dec 3, 2002

Oh... I didn't read the name...

Embarassing...

M@de in China · Dec 3, 2002

I've read something similar to the "you know if you're an arcanum junkie if..." only it was for fallout

bryant1380 · Dec 9, 2002

Well, ladies and gents, what better way to celebrate my 1,000th post than by posting a joke in this time-honored thread. (Short of creating a "Whoo-hoo! I'm at a thousand" thread)

Sambo saw Rastus eatin' some grapes. "Rastus! Where you get grapes from?" Sambo asked. Rastus replied, "Off th' dog's back."

Two old men in a nursing home were nodding off asleep on the front porch, when their wifes, also wards of the nursing home, decided to streak past their sleeping husbands, buck-naked. As they wizzed by the old men, the first old man said sleepily, "What was that?" Second old man replied, "Damn if I know, but it shore did need ironing."

mrnobodie · Dec 9, 2002

i've heard this joke a few times over the last week or so, which is making me feel compeled to post it for your amusement........ the things i do for you bunch of slackers and malcontents, enjoy........

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven,you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01pm, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem, " the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly. " The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away,slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly. " The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me about the day you were having when you died". The third man says, "OK, picture this.... I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator.....".

Ferret · Dec 9, 2002

Haven't we had that one before? :-?

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