who needs a laugh

DW, can you edit your post to get rid of that, please?

 

Or everyone can just post like crazy to get this thread to a new page

 

Whoa! That is major funny man! It's not quite funny enough to count as sergant funny, though.

 

Here's a little something for all the married couples here. All 3 of them.

It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual
position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits
up and begs.................. and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Unless, of course, the wife is pregnant. Then it is done coyote style. The husband sits
outside the hole and howls.

 

A longer one

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Beer. "But Sir, you would have to hurry up with drinking, the Black Knight will come around in a minute!" says the bartender.
"Njeh, fark that and gimme a beer" the man replies, and drinks his beer. "'Nother!" he yells, and he gets one again.
"Sir, I really must urge you to finish it quickly, the Blakc Knight is on his way!"
"I know, I know, but don't care! Just gimme the beer." the man says again, and down his beer. "Another!" he yells.
"SIR! Really, you must look out, the Black Knight can come in any second now! Hurry it up!"
Nah, clam it, gimme my beer!" So the man takes his beer, and while he's drinkin' it, the door bursts open, and a huge man, of at least 7,5 feet marches in, wearing a black hat over his long black hair, and black trenchcoat over his black sweater, black shoes and black trousers.
Everyone in the bar screams and runs out, going through windows and every availeble door. Within a timespan of 5 seconds, only the guy with his beer, and the giant in black are left.
So the guy in black marches over to the man with the beer, and towers over him. The man with beer is kidna sweating, after all, it IS a really large, rugged lookin' guy.
The man in black suddenly unzips, takes out his workin' gear, and in a low rumbling voice he speaks: "Suck it weakling!"
The man with beer doesn't really have a choice, so he begins.
"Quicker!" says the man
So the guy accelerates
"Quicker!!" the man yells
The guy goes faster and faster
"Even quicker you pathetic piece of flesh!" the large man now screams
"But sir, I can't go any faster, truly!" the guy gasps in a shot breath period. "Why do you want to go so fast anyway, this can't be comfy!"
The guy in black looks hard at him, and mumbles:
"You have to be quick, the Black Knight is coming....."

 

Now that was funny. Good one once again, Drugar.

I don't know if I've ever posted this one or not, so I'll do it again. Besides, the only reason I posted is so I could tell Drug how much I liked his joke.

What's the difference between Ringling Brother's Circus and a showgirl chorus line?





One's a cunning array of stunts.

 

The following was a letter sent anonymously to the famous rabid Christian fundamentalist radio personality Dr. Laura.

 

Etalis, have I gotten you religiously wound up or something? It seems it is all you talk about since I mentioned it once or twice.

 

Oh, sure, take responsibility for it, why don't you. I'll have you know I was talking about religion long before you brought it up "once or twice".

 

Why do I get the feeling that the book of Leviticus is the most psycho of all the books? If not psycho, then rabidly rigid, or something like that.

 

GRRRRRRRRRR....... Black hole, people, remember? Black Hole.

Jar, Leviticus is in the Old Testament, which was God's word to the people on how to worship and live, and it's a way that we don't live anymore. It's the part of the Bible where you'll find "an eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth", also sacrificing animals...... The New Testament is the story of the Gospel, that Christ died for our sins, paying the ultimate sacrifice, so we don't have to sacrifice animals now. Christ is our sacrifice.

Anyway, if you even read that, basically all I'm trying to say in summary is that the Old Testament is the "history" of God's people and His laws for them, and the New Testament is the story of God's love and sacrifice for mankind.

Back to the jokes. Nbrosz, jokes, please, no flames.

 

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms. .

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

You look just like Charles Manson

Let it down slowly.

OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes

I can do that with my eyes closed

look ma! no hands!

Hey that's not a violin.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

"No, honey, that dress doesn't make you look fat. Your thighs do." -- Dead Man

"Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." -- Darth Vader

"A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk

"Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie

"And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..."

"I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer

"Here I sit all broken-hearted..." -- Elvis Presley

"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect

"No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"

"Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy *** and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden

"How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek

"Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?"

"Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"

"Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!"

Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now.

Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.

I dunno, press the button and find out.

Hello, is anyone home?

Oops.

Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing?

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

He can't hear us, he's miles away

I'll be right back.

I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind.

Don't worry, we outnumber them.

Hey, what the hell??!

Hey, what's that beeping sound?

I'm sure it's just the wind.

Of course it's safe!

No, this tribe is peaceful!

 

When I nod my head, you hit it.

 

Death cry of the redneck: "Hey ya'll, watch this!!!!"

 

Retard, what was that post about.....cuz aside from the "quotes" (which were pretty funny :-D) I didn't get them...

Then again, it's early in morning hie...

Be back in a few hours ith some good 'uns.

 

Well, that post was just my attempt at saving this golden thread from the evils of flames and spam. It was just a list of funny (I thought) quotes I found while surfing on the 'net. (Yes, Sheriff, I was whoring.)

Keep the jokes coming, Drugar. I really enjoyed the last one of yours, about the black knight. So did my dad.

 

A recent study showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse.




There. For all of you who say I am a jingoistic Bush lover......