who needs a laugh

Don't forget "The Maltese Book of Non-smokers" or "Non-Arab Oil Barons".

 

A couple are sitting in bed and the husband is incredibly horny so he turns to his wife and says... "how about a blowjob?".
the wife looks up at him and replies "no, just have a wank into a glass and i'll drink it in the morning" ..... yes virginia, there really is a santa clause.... :rofl:

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't get this one. I mean besides the obviously revolting (and in some locales, apparently humorous) idea of drinking eight hour-old man protein. How does it tie in with the santa refrence?

Yours Truly,
Confused

 

there are some things Dark, that are only meant for the truly perverted and twisted...... this is one of those things & as such not meant for the pure of heart like yourself*.







*may not be pure of heart just not that bright.

 

Ha, Ha, you trouser cough, eat shit and live. You're so bright!

 

Not intended to be insulting, just meant to be as funny as mrnobodie's answer.

BTW I would have just tacked this on to the previous post, but I wasn't given an edit option, just a quote one. What are ya going to do?

 

After a young Jewish businessman boarded a train he learned that in one of the compartments there are two famous rabbis each of them famed for knowing everything. He decided it would be beneficial to listen to their disputes so he payed conductor 500$ so that he would be allowed to travel in the aforementioned compartment. When he entered the compartment he was surprised that both rabbis were silent. This situation lasted for the whole journey. When the train was about to reach its destination young businessman asked rabbis:
- Gentlemen, I don't understand. You are famed to know everything so I made an investment to be able to travel in your compartment so that I could listen to your disputes. Yet you were silent all the time.
Ribbis smiled and one of them said:
- Young man, he knows everything and I know everything. What could we possibly discuss?



A rabbi who performed circumcisions for many years gathered quite a pile of foreskins. He didn't want to throw them out so he decided to take them to a tailor - perhaps he could make something from the whole lot of them. The tailor accepted this comission, took 100$ in advance and told rabbi to come back in a week time. After a week rabbi returned to tailor but this one said he still doesn't know what to make from the foreskins. He asked rabbi to give him 200$ and come back after another week. When rabbi returned tailor said that he still doesn't know what he could make and again he asked rabbi for 300$ and to come back next week. Rabbi was already annoyed but he gave the money sayng that his order better be ready. When he returned to the workshop tailor gave him a small purse. Now rabbi got really pissed off and started yelling:
- Damn you man! 3 weeks of waiting, 600$ and all you give me is a bloody tiny purse?!
- Oh but don't get nervous rabbi - tailor said. You just need to rub it a bit and you'll get jumbo sized travel bag.

 

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap...

The Army is still looking for him.

 

sooo...... it's army joke's then is it, well, here's one


Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You fucking idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

 

What's your geek name?

Wanna find out what your geek name is? Try this online wizard

If you don't like the result, you can hack their site! Anyone who actually has the guts to go through with it and delete their site gets a cookie.

 

Oh shit. I wanna push that button so baaaaaaaad...... Jarinor push it! Or somebody who isn't afraid of shit... SOMEBODY PUSH IT!!!!!

 

Oh no. Red Button(tm). All ready and waiting. Must restrain... somebody push the damn thing!

 

I pushed it. Site not found. See what you made me do? Now I have to fake my own death and move to Switzerland. Lousy big red button. Taunting me, calling to me....*grumble*

 

fuck 'em all, i pushed it as well, if there too fuckin' stupid to put that there, then they deserve to be wiped out........

and while we're on stupidity, here's a religous/women joke.....


The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus..Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with his shouting, "Go Jesus Christ Go."
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant, they squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "mother trucker" or mother from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

 

:rofl:

Okay, here is one about Bill Clinton (you that liked him, please don't flame me)

There is a plane flying. A rabbi, a kid, and Bill Clinton are in it. The plane begins to go down. The pilot has had a heart attack, and no one can fly the plane. There are only two parachutes. The rabbi looks at the other two in the plane and says "You two can have the parachutes. I am ready to meet Allah." Bill Clinton looks at the boy and says "Well, I am the smartest man in the world, and the world needs me. So, I will take one parachute, and you two can decide who gets the other one." So he puts on a pack and jumps out. The boy looks at the rabbi and says "Well, you may as well take one pack, and I will take the other, because the smartest man in the world just jumped out wearing my backpack."

 

What do you call a busload of abbo's going over a cliff with one empty seat?








Damn shame.




When I die, I wanna go in my sleep, peacefully, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

 

A group of women arrived at a tropic island and were looking for a suitable hotel to stay in when they noticed one which was labeled "Fulfill your fantasies - women only" so they decided to check it out. Clerk told them there are 5 floors and they can visit each one to choose where they want to stay. First floor was occupied with handsome men who were poor in bed however so the girls went to the 2nd floor. Here there were handsome men, great lovers but they didn't treat women well. On the third floor men were handsome, great lovers, they knew how to treat women right but they were not too bright. When girls reached the 4th floor they learned that men here were perfect: young, intelligent, rich, great lovers, knew how to treat women right and very handsome. Girls decided they would stay here however they wanted to check out the 5th floor as they assumed that even better men must reside there. When they climbed the stairs all they saw was a sign: "There are no men here. The sole purpose this floor was built to serve is to prove that in no fucking way can you stupid bitches be possibly satisfied."

 

stumbled across this site whilst seeking new vista's of porn.......


........ www.talibanreunited.com

don't ask what i typed into the search engine to get this....... i don't think your ready for that yet.

 

I pushed it. It said, don't push it again. I pushed it again. Now, nothing works at the site.

Of course, it could all just be a clever script. And, if they don't have that sort of shit backed up, well, they're pretty stupid. They'd be in exactly the same position if the server hard drive failed, so what would they do then?

There are back-ups, no way someone who runs a site like that with a big red button is too stupid to not have back ups. If they don't, well, oops.\

Edit - Just checked the site again (less than 5 mins after clicking) and it still works. Whoop de doo. That whole reverse psychology crap doesn't work on me!

 

That cookie seems to stay for a rather short period of time on your puter. The page now loads for me again - and that button taunts me again.