who needs a laugh

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

 

JESUS CHRIST Vlad!, 5 in a row, i'd be pissed off if they weren't good jokes.

 

I've kinda been saving them up.

 

mr. nobodie, like your signature, I just saw Ozzy here in San Diego( labor day) at "when Ozzfest attacks" I'm still hungover.

Opps! sorry, forgot this was a joke thread. Here's mine, Wanna here a dirty joke? The pig fell in the mud....

Yeah I know it sucks, I felt obligated though.

 

Hey DU, lay off will ya?!? I have been out of it for a while.

Here is another.

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

 

what was this doing on page two?.... shame, shame on you all!.


On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed. On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

 

That's a good one :lol:

 

On a leaflet, about Yellowstone National Park:

"Tourists Beware: Should you happen to visit the wild, it is extremely important that you become aware of the bear populations. Two precautions in particular should be taken in the event you find yourself in the wild. Please wear bells, as the sound usually frightens the bears away. Secondly, a can of pepper spray works well to deter bears who may come too close.

It is also beneficial to take a little time to familiarize yourself with the
different kinds of bears, simply because no two breeds of bear will respond to a human prescence in the same way. The two most common bears you will run into in Yellowstone are the black bear and the grizzly bear. Identifying them by their stool is often easier than by sight, since a black bear may appear brown, and grizzlies often are black. A black bear produces stool that will consist of nuts, berries, and small twigs and usually has an earthy smell. Grizzly bear stool usually consists of bones and small bells, and smells faintly of pepper spray."

 

Wow - I found this little baby lying halfway down page 2. I think that might be the lowest it has sunk.

Here are a few comedy support issues, from the Small, yielding ones:

http://support.microsoft.com/default.as ... US;Q276304

http://support.microsoft.com/default.as ... US;Q172653

http://support.microsoft.com/default.as ... us;Q261186

http://support.microsoft.com/default.as ... us;Q328403

And, here's one MS found so embarassing, they removed it (but not before some Netscrape user had taken a piccy)

http://aroundcny.com/technofile/texts/chocobanana.gif

 

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?


"Good Morning, ladies."





Didja hear about the lady that went looking for her husband? She searched the local pubs to no avail, then she went to the local barbershop. Upon entering, she asked, "Bob Cox here?"
"No, ma'am, just shaves and haircuts."





Back in 1896, the State Department was building a road through the desert. The road they were building just happened to run through a small Indian village. The chief of the tribe's name was Chief Bowels. Chief Bowels made quite a fuss over a road being built through his village, so the state workers told him to take it up at the State Dept. Office, and told him how to find the office. Well, upon entering town, Chief Bowels walked into an office. What he didn't know was that he had walked into the doctor's office instead of the State Dept.'s. The Indian chief walked in and said, in a loud voice, "Chief Bowels, no move!!!!!"

The doctor, hearing the commotion, came out and gave the chief a pill. "Here, take this, and come see me tomorrow."

The Indian chief did so, and upon learning that the state workers were still trying to build the road through his territory, he visited the office once again. "CHIEF BOWELS, NO MOVE!!!!" The doctor, astonished, gave the Indian chief an entire bucketful of the pills. "Here take this, and everything will be alright," the doctor said.

The very next morning, as the doctor walked to his office, he noticed the Indian chief, very pale, sitting on his office front step. "Chief Bowels move," he said. "Tee-pee full of shit."

 

:lol: This is cracking me up!

BTW, there needs to be a better laughing smilie than that!

Hmmm....






These may not be good ones, but at least they describe the above material properly!

 

Okay, this one is rather crude (and I didn't come up with it either). Don't say I didn't warn you...

Q. How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman?

A. Shit in her cunt.

 

uke:
Okay, that one isn't funny.

 

I don't need a laugh, an O'laugh i mean!

 

WTF?

Crack is the one you snort, FOE. It's marijuana you're supposed to smoke.

 

Have you heard that the book was stolen from a Polish library?
No, which one?
The only one!

Well it seemed a lot funnier when I heard it today.


Santa visits Ethiopia
- Why are are these children so thin? - he asked.
- Well that's becacue the don't eat.
- I see. Oh well, since they don't eat I won't give them presents.

 

That would be interesting to see someone try to snort a crackrock, good joke!

 

A chinese and a blakc guy tkae shower in a public city bath. The chinese guy's eyes are hooked on the blakc guy's dick, finally he asks.
- How come your dick is so large? I want mine to be so large to.
- That's easy. You just tie some weights to it let them hang there and it will get longer.

After 3 weeks they met again and the black guy asks the chinese
- So has it grown already?
- No but it has already turned black.


Btw Jar don't listen to Nbrosz. I found your joke funny.

 

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move," said the broker. "It's only $1 a share."

"Buy me 1,000 shares," said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares."

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares."

"Great!" said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"

The broker asked, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."



Two little boys are sitting In the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "Gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV, we'll be right back, ok?" The two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.
At the top of the stairs, He peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me", He says. The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!



A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,
the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went
to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder
side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery
fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse
case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Terrified., the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass."





After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog.

Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."






THE LAST 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY

10- I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker!

9- While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

8- I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right!

7- Her tits are just way too big.

6- Sometimes, I just want to be held.

5- That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.

4- We haven't been to the mall in ages...let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.

3- Sure, I would love to wear a condom.

2- Fuck Monday night football, let's watch "Murphy Brown."

1- I think we are lost, we'd better pull over and ask directions.

THE LAST 10 THINGS A WOMEN WOULD EVER SAY

10- Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

9- Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.

8- I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7- Hey, get a whiff of that one!

6- Please don't throw that old T-shirt away...the holes in the armpits are just too cute.

5- This diamond is way too big.

4- I won't even put that thing in my mouth unless I get to swallow.

3- Wow, Bruce, it really is 14 inches.

2- Does this make my butt look too small?

1- I'm wrong, YOU MUST be right!




The Shortest Books Ever Written

* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook