who needs a laugh

what's the best thing about being on speed.....




only four more sleeps till christmas.

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
"Honey?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that,
well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me
feel better to know that if anything did happen, we'd both be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for
you. But for Christ's sake, give me more than one!"

 

http://www.terra-arcanum.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=3058

 

Words of Wisdom:

A sore dick is hard to beat.

[Edit] Milo, I just reread that post. I remember that. Poor Jinxed. Apparantly he's never had a "squeaky woman".

 

You bastard!!! Trying to kill me like that. I allmost died laughing. Next time dont blow her upp to much. And if you are going to bite her titty use helium, atleast you will get a funny voice.

 

Oh, shit, I remember that day (vaguely). That was fucking funny - a true comedy achievement.

 

I can't believe this thread is still alive! Way to go guys!

 

Thanks for reiminding us that one Milo. Damn was that hell of a laugh.

 

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck on my cock just yet.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done fucking you in the back of my car, I don't give a fuck where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been nailed.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Fuck off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty...fuckin ugly, you fat bitch.

Man: Thanks for the hand job lady, you sure know how to handle a cock.
Woman: I should do, I used to have one before my operation.
Man: .......... there's no comeback for that one.

 

i apologise for the double post but i after i read this i felt it warranted a post all on it's own........


A Charlotte, NC, lawyer (this can only happen in America) purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars, lost in the fires.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART ...................

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


i've said it before and i'll say it again, "people are idiots" :lol:

 

Good one. Where is your people are idiots motto, anyway? I miss it.

 

here's some more examples of the "mastermind" criminals at loose on the world.....

A thief walked into a bank and handed a note saying that he was robbing the bank and the cashier was to give him the money and make no trouble or he would start shooting.
the chashier said "im sorry we dont accept these stick up notes here, but the bank across the road does".
so the man goes across the road and robs the bank only to walk outside and find a load of cops sent by the chasier.

i'll give you 1 point if you can guess which country this happened in.

here's one that i've actually seen the video of....

a man robs a bank and then try's to leave, but can't open the door, no matter how hard he pushes, the door won't open. he then try's to knock the door down, he spends 5 mins trying to knock the door down so he can get away before the police come. then an old lady walks into the bulding pushing it from her side. the man realising that he had to pull the door open runs out but was caught 2 mins later because the police were so close by.

i'll give another point if you can guess which country this happened in.

 

A man and his three sons one 4 one 6 and one 9 stop at a roadside diner for dinner
After a while the waitress approaches and says to the 9 year old in her best southern twang "what'll ya have hon?"
He replies "Well I'll have a goddamn cheeseburger"
The father reaches across and knocks the boy out of his chair

The waitress, feeling uncomfortable quickly moves to the 6 year old "What about you sweetheart?"
"I'll have a goddam cheeseburger" is the reply *whack* and he's lying on the floor too

So by now the waitress is wishing she'd taken a sick day but she moves to the 4 year old anyway. She says "Baby now what would you like to eat?"
He looks up and says "Well, you bet your sweet ass I ain't gonna order no goddamn cheeseburger!"



A little old blue blood boston lady is sitting on the boston commons around noon. Soon a little boy comes to eat his lunch and the pigeons are not far behind.
This annoys the child and he begins kicking at them and saying "fuck off, fuck off"
The woman observes this for a while and then approaches the boy
"Littttle boy" says she " you shouldn't talk that way to the pigjies. they don't know any better and just want something to eat. If you don't want to give them something to eat just say shoo pigjie shoo. And then they'll fuck off"



A farmer and his dog are driving in a wagon. The horses just won't keep running and he is in a hurry so he is beating them regularly. Eventually one of the horses says "Jesus Christ that hurts!"
The farmer amazed say "Holy shit I didn't know the horse could talk"
and the dog said "neither did I"

 

Week Shedule

 

:lol:

Nice one, Maniac. Did you dig that out fo Calis' private archives?

 

what the hell?!

 

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it
true what Rita just told me... babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager "won't it
knock my teeth out?"


A seventy-something year old lady wanted to breathe some fire back into her
love life so she went to Victoria's Secret and, after a bit of shopping,
selected a pair of crotchless underwear. She got home, put them on, and sat
on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.
When he walked through the door, she threw one leg up over the arm of the
couch displaying her recent purchase, and said seductively,
"Hey, big boy, ya want some of this?"
To which he replied, "HELL NO! Look what it did to them panties!"

 

One day while jogging a middle-aged man noticed two tennis balls lying by
the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the
balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful
blonde standing next to him smiling.

"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.

"Tennis balls," the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis
*elbow* and the pain was unbearable!"


In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer: "Don't use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside."
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how..?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) "Do not turn upside down."
(Too Late)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding" "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."
(How many 5-year olds are driving forklifts, etc?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions, Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta)

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

 

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?"
asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and
to come talk to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but
keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little
girl left, and returned a few
minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas
about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be
changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!!" exclaimed the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me
why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."


A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks
in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are
copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head
monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an
error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other
copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but
you make a good point, my son." So the head monk goes down into the cellar
with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to
look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and
finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks,
"What's wrong?"

"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.

 

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the
shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
wood, but find no marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left..

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"



An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and
her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high
so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did
so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn
baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again,"
the 5-year-old said.