who needs a laugh

if you liked those check these one's out

A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."

The boss says, "You screw your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."



Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and

saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

 

the second joke, I've seen another version of it in the game Phantasmagoria II. there, instead of the dwarves were 2 leprichons and a nun from a cathedral.

 

LOL those were good. The seven Dwarfs were very funny :grin:

What is the matting call of a Brunette?

"Are all the blondes gone yet!?"

 

Ok, I'm gonna use Milo for this next one....(Nothing personal Milo...) :smile:

Me and Milo were out riding horses one afternoon. We were riding along a fence row, when we saw a goat with it's head stuck in the fence. I looked at Milo and said "I gotta get me some of that." So I jumped down and tore that goat's ass up. I asked Milo, "Do you want some too?" Milo replied, "No, lets just ride some more." So I jumped back on my horse and we rode a little further. Soon we came across another goat with it's head hung in the fence. I jumped down and made it with this goat, too. I looked at Milo and said, "Milo, you sure you don't want some, man?" "Well, I guess I will," Milo replies. He then climbed off his horse, and stuck his head in the fence.

 

good one retard.... no really fuckin' good one

here's another one for clan goat

One day, two old men (calis and zen) from a retirement home
were sitting on the front porch of a retirement home.

One man says to the other,
"Ya know, Zen, if you think about it, we are not that old.
I mean, my memory is still very good."

As Calis said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him.
"Actually, sharp as ever."
After a couple minutes of silence,
Calis started to talk again,

"So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"

blame jinxed for that one calis he told me to say it........ yeeees that's right, jinxed, that will do nicely :lol:

but seriously here's another religion one

There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question."

So he asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?"

"Adam," she replied. The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.

Then St.Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the name of the first woman that God created?"

"Eve," the nun said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.

Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing......

 

I have a religious one:

When nuns die, they are sent to a special doorway to hevean. V.I.P. There is a long line of nuns waiting at the gates before the reception. One nun comes up to the door and hears: "Before you can enter hevean you must be free of sin" The nun replies, "well I have touched a penis" the voice says, "dip the hand that has commited the sin in this small basin, and you may enter". So the nun does what she has been instructed and goes in. The second nun comes up to the reception and hears,"Before you can enter hevean you must be free of sin" she replies, "well, I have touched a penis with both hands" the voice then replies, "dip the hands that commited the sin in the basin and you may enter" the nun does what has been instructed and enters. The third nun enters the reception and hears the same voice, she opens her mouth to reply but before she can a nun behind shouts "hey! If she's gonna dip her ass in there, I'm not gonna drink from it!!"

 

WARNING this ones a little sick so you've been warned ok

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

here's another one

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

 

here's a few more questionable one's for your amusement

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

 

there is this VERY fat guy that has a very big eating problem. He always tries new diets and excercises, to no avail. One day he sees this notice: Loose wight fast! With no yoyo syndrome! So he goes to the place. They tell him that the first level cure gets 20 kilos off. So he gets it. he enters a room and waits. Suddenly a stunning naked blond comes in the room and says "if you catch me I'm yours" And she starts running away from him. The guy because of his weight couldn't keep up but he ran. After an hour, he gets on a weight and to his surprise he lost 20 kilos! He signs up for the level 2 cure which is supposed to take 30 kilos off. The situation is the same only there is an even more stunning brunnete. But because he still had alot overweight, he couldn't catch her. But by the end he lost 30 kilos. He signs up for the last level which makes you loose 40 kilos. This time before he entered the room he took his clothes off, thinking to get ready. He enters the room and finds this big black guy standing holding his giant snake wiener. The black guy says: "If I catch you you are mine!"

 

These are funny, guys. Keep them coming.

Here's one that isn't dirty:

• Three guys are standing at the top of the Empire State Building, just checking out the sights.
  
  One of the men, a big guy, goes up to the other and says, "Hey, man. Did you know the winds are so strong up here that if you jump off, they'll push you right back on to the roof?"
  
  "You're kidding me, right? That's impossible!"
  
  "No really! Watch!" said the big guy, as he took a running jump. He went out a few feet past the edge and then ever so gently came floating back onto the roof.
  
  "Holy shit! I can't believe it!"
  
  "Go ahead and try it. The feeling is amazing." said the big guy.
  
  "Oh, I don't know..."
  
  "C'mon! There's nothing to it. Look, I'll do it again..." And with that, the big guy repeated the move.
  
  "That's it," the other guy said, "I have to try this..." he said as he took a few steps back. Finding his courage, he runs, and leaps...
  
  "AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh......." *splat*
  
  After a minute, the third guy walks up and takes a look over the edge. Slowly, he shakes his head and says, "You know something? It's really fucked up when you do that, Superman."

 

ahhh milo..... ease's the pain, so it's a superman joke your after then is it well here's an oldie for ya

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments, and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach. "Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened." So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light. Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?" The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

 

this joke was in the movie:"hollow man"!
(but i think the end was something like...
"i dont know..but my ASS hurts like hell!")

 

A nationality joke.

Some people are flying a balloon and it begins to drop thus someone has to jump. The capatain asks German guy to do so but G obviously doesn't want to. "Tthis is an order!" - says captain - and G guy jumps.

The balloon keeps on dropping however so captain asks British guy to jump:
This is an order! - No way!
But this is a tradition. - God save the queen! And B guy jumped.

Still the balloon keeps on falling so captain asks a French guy to jump:
This is an order! - No way!
This is a tradition. - Yeah, right!
But this is the latest fashion! - and F guy jumped.

Only two people left and the balloon is still falling. So captain asks Polish guy to jump:
This is an order! - No way!
This is a tradition. - Yeah, right!
But this is the latest fashion! - Screw you!
OK, so you will not jump. - What?! I won't jump?!...

 

a mate of mine just told me this joke i thought it was pretty good so here it is

there are two cows eating grass in a field, one cow turns to the other cow and says,
"hey this grass is pretty good huh?"
then the other cow looks up with wide eyes and says,
"holy shit!, a talking cow"

 

I forgive my bad spelling in this topic :smile:

Ok, There was this officeworker who just arrived in new town and he was in desperate need for booty :wink:...One day he crossed paths with mailman and asked him where he could get some.
Mailman smiled gladly and said man that "of course i know the place. there is this chapel at the town border. beside it there's a graveyard, now listen carefully, at graveyeard there is a nun...go to her and say "i'm superman" and she will give ya some..."
Officeworker was happier than ever and when evening came he rushed to the graveyard and saw this nun...
Man went to her and said: "i'm superman"
Nun lifted her skirt and officeworker "got into business"
after having his share the man started to feel quilty for abusing the nun and said "actually, i'm not superman...i'm really just officeworker"

"that's ok..." said nun..."because i'm actually a mailman!!!"

:grin:

 

alrighty we're back onto religion again i can work with this...

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"no" says the priest "I mean her legs!"
ok, strictly speaking it's not really religious but it's the best i can do on short notice.

 

Ok a religious one:

M.Shumakker dies in a catasrophe.He goes to heaven.St.Peter gives him a car.Michael goes for a ride around the heaven but he goes too fast and St.Peter stops him."Please some people try to rest here." a long haired guy rides by them in a 240km/h.
"Hey why is he allowed to go so fast and I am not???"Michael shouts.
"Well he's the boss' son"

 

i just thought i'd get into the spirit of christmas or not as the case may be

A little girl is in line to see Santa When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No", says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."


A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

 

Ive been on vacation for sometime so Ill jump on here... :winknudge:

It was George's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the
first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks
at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in
a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the
door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with
the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup
of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words,"
he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what
to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

 

Okay, I forgot one joke, but I remembered another...the other joke was probably better though...

4 guys are at the golf course one day. One of them has to go up to the clubhouse for a couple of minutes, and the other guys decide to start talking about their sons.

The first guy says "I'm really proud of my son. He's got his own very successful real estate business. He's raking it in - he bought me the clubs I'm using today. He also bought a house for one of his friends. Hardly affected his bank account. What a great guy he is hey?"

The second guy says "Wow, that's pretty good. My son owns a car lot - he sells only the finest luxury cars. He gave me the car I drove here today in actually - a nice new Porsche. He also gave a gift to one of his friends recently as well - brand spanking new top of the line Mercedes. Top fellow."

The third guy starts up as well "Geez, looks like we've all got really great sons. Mine runs a stockbroking firm. He's got his 3 secrataries, a huge house and all. In fact, he's personally taking care of the share portfolio that he gave me. He also gave $50000 in shares to one of his friends recently as well."

The fourth guy comes back from the clubhouse at this point. They tell him what they've said, and ask him to tell them about his son.

"Alright," he says, "but my son has been a disappointment to me. He's a hairdresser, and he recently told me that he was gay." He thinks for a moment. "He must have good taste in guys though, because his past couple of boyfriends have given him a house, a new Mercedes and a big share portfolio."