who needs a laugh

Argh - that one felt like a kick in the nuts. A big, comical, kick in the nuts.

BTW, have you ever wondered how ...



Speaking of Star Wars, check out this alternate version (0.5MB)

Here's another, smaller, funny powerpoint

and to round up my set, her's one to tickle my old mate, Retard:



Okay, I've done my bit. Let's hope it makes Nobodie happy.

(I know they're all old, Ioo, but so am I).

 

Those are histyrical Sherrif... keep up the good work

 

Those are great more please. :lol:

 

heh i've really enjoyed reading this post and want to contribute to it myself these jokes are all religious btw;
A man went to heaven and god said"We go through a tunnel and at each stop you can choose to stay or go on, each stop gets better and better but at the end of the tunnel there is the worst thing imagineable."
they went through the tunnel and at the first stop there was a very ugly lady, at the second stop there was a reasonably attractive lady, at the third stop there was a really hot lady. God - "do you want to get off here"
man - "no thanks" god - "sorry wrong choice" Whwn they got to the last stop, the man looked up and saw a lawyer.

There once was a really great plumber and then he died and went to hell, when he got into hell he reallised that the problem was that the central heating and friges had broken, so he fixed them all and made hell a better place.
One day god and the Devil were drinking in a pub.
D:Hells not such a bad place now we've got that plumber
G: What? Hells supposed to be horrible...
D: well it isn't anymore thanks to that plumber
G: Grrrr. I'm going to sue you!
D: where are you going to get a lawyer?


A priest died and he went to heaven, he found out heaven was just a hotel block and the higher up room you had the better it was, on the bootom floors there were people who'd only just got into heaven. on the second floor there were people who had done a bit better than the first people and so on.the piest found out that all the priests lived on his floor and all the saints on the next floor up but he didn't know who was on the top floor.
Receptionist: can i help you?
Priest: yes, who lives on the top floor?
Receptionist: I get that question a lot, It's our lawyer.
Priest:I've worked hard all my life and this is how you....
Receptionis: Shut upp, he's expensive.

When Hilary Clinton went to heaven she was greeted by ST. Peter who told her to wait in a long hallway. When she got there she saw lots of clocks, which went each foward an hour every so often, at different rates.
When St Peter gets back, she asks him about the clocks
SP: This is the adultery hal, when a man commits adultery, his clock goes forward an hour.
Hc: which ones my husbands
SP: God keeps it in his office as a fan.

 

"But I dont like the dark side it makes me feel dirty" LOL :razz:

 

They're old SF...

 

Ok so Heaven is getting too crowded so God enforces a new rule. You must have had a bad day when you died to get into Heaven. So after this rule goes into order, this guy comes to the gates and Peter asks him "So sir, how what was your day like when you died?" The guy says, "Oh terrible, see i came home to my 25th floor apartment building and my wife was home already half naked. Shes never home before me letalone half naked so i suspected she was having an affair. I ran all over the place looking for the guy. Then i saw two hands holding on to my balcony. So i ran out there and stomped on the guys hands till he fell all 25 stories down. Unfortunatley he landed on some bushes and trees that broke his fall. So i got so mad i went and grabbed my refridgerator and pushed it over the balcony and it fell down and crushed the guy. I was so excited i had a heart attack and died right there!" Peter looks at the guy, shakes his head, and opens the gates. Soon a second man comes up and Peter asks again, "How was your day when you died sir?" The man says, "Oh just horrid. I was doing my exercises on my 26th floor apartment building out on my balcony. Suddenly i tripped and fell over the edge, luckily i caught onto the balcony below me when all of a sudden this crazy man ran out and stopmed on my hands for some reason till i fell 25 floors down. Luckily i landed on some bushes and trees that broke my fall. But then this crazy asshole pushes a fridge out off the balcony that crushes me so here i am." Peter chuckles and opens the gates. Now a third man comes up and Peter looks at the guy and says, "So whats your story buddy?" The guy says, "Ok, picture this, I'm hiding, naked, in a refridgerator..."

I'M BACK BABY!, I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!

 

good you remembered my joke nobodie

 

I had a strange feeleing this joke was here already - well Nobodie likes to see his thread dying.

 

i thought that joke was one of the lost one's from the server crash that i found at another forum i frequent......... oh well, here's an animal joke for the kiddies......


A doctor has just finished a marathon shagathon with one off his patients when he sits down and starts too feel guilty.
"Jeez", he says to himself ", thats the tenth patient I've shagged this week, "I feel really bad".
All off a sudden a voice in his head says "dont worry tons off people in the medical profression abuse there patients trust and take advantage in a sexual way " this makes him feel much better until another voice in his head says "yeah, but they probably aren't vets"


*edit* WOO HOO!!! back to 15 pages, does the happy happy joy dance of strangeness

 

one more of my jokes
Maniac - mrnobodie 2-0

 

hey!, you should be happy i'm trying to track down all those jokes that were lost and even feel privliged (sp) that their yours that i've put up, no love..... no love for nobodie, back to the hillarity.........


A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.
"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."
"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.
So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.
"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"
The man looks at her all confused and says, "I've all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse....., what more do you want?".

 

We need a laugh injection. The best I can do right now is this funny (but long) set of lists about plot contrivances. I know, I know, it doesn't sound funny when put like that. Just go and look at it, okay?

 

Those were really funny SF.

 

i now proclaim the individual known as sherrif fat-man as the funniest * man alive.


A Quick Lesson In Morals

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."



* may not be the funniest man alive

 

Damn you, MrNobodie, you're the biggest bastard alive¹ for piling on the extra expression. Anyway, onwards with a sweaty forehead and fixed grin ....

Keeping up the chicken theme for our Farming Friends, take a look at this thesis on which came first, the chicken or the egg?

This one should dispel any lingering suspicions of me being funny.














¹He definitely IS the biggest bastard alive

 

Blond's Revenge Jokes

How many burnet's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Like, flip on that light switch bitch! Hello?


What do you get when you cross a burnet with a carrot top?
A frigid bitch!


Why do people think burnet's are all smart?
Because they feel sorry they're so ugly and boring and stupid and almost never get plowed!


What do you do if a burnet throws a grenade at you?
Laugh at her for acting all butch and breaking her fingernails on it!


What do you call 24 burnet's in a box?
A case of stuck-up bitches from the lesbian virgin sorority!


Burnet's are so stupid that like, they're always fashion season behind. No I'm serious: they'll be wearing Cashmere and leather pants next year. Stupid!


Why do burnet's wear glasses?
Because they're cranky old lesbian dogs who work at the library store! Tee hee!


What did the burnet say to the electrolysis lady?
I know, I know - I've got like a total grizzly bear pelt hanging around the edges of my panties! Can you help?


You know why men date burnet's?
Because they're gay and they think that they have man meat down there!


Why don't burnet's give blowjobs?
Because, like, they're too busy taking my order during my HOT DATE!


What's the difference between a burnet and dog shit?
NOTHING!


Santa Claus, Maya Angelou, Dwight Eisenhower, a pretty burnet, and ME are all walking along and we see $100 on the ground. Who gets it first?
Me! Because all the others are totally make-believe!


What's the difference between an ugly burnet and an icky lawyer?
None! burnet are usually lawyers.


You might be a burnet if... you totally have a moustache, skank-whore!


Okay true story: there was this burnet once and she was so mega stupid she drank Slim Fast and her "sensible dinner" was pizza!


How can you tell if a burnet just had sex?
There's snowmen getting rolled in hell!


What did one burnet say to the other burnet?
Why don't we just give up and kill ourselves!


Oh my god! A burnet walked into a doctors office and didn't even get a nose job or upgrade to a C-cup. Lame!


Like, there was this totally dumb burnet who totally walked into Dolce & Gabana, and was all "where are the khakis?"


So like this burnet is all wicked mad and is telling her friend that she gave her boyfriend a "piece of her mind" and like, if she was mad, why did she give him oral sex?


A blonde and a bunet walk into a bar, and like, the burnet orders a beer - and it's domestic! Bud? YUCK!


So like a blonde and a burnet were stranded on a desert island… and the dumb burnet was bummed, but like wow! Total tan city!


What do you call a burnet with dyed blonde hair?
The root of all evil! Get it? Duh!


Knock, knock
Who's there?
A burnet
A burnet who?
Let me in so I can bore you with how smart I am and then can I beg you to love me because no one will!


HA HA HA! Sux on that you burnet bitchs!

 

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

 

Just to clear up the debate on the chicken and the egg: it's the egg.

You can have a mutation in the reproductive organs of a similar fowl (Indian red fowl to be precise) to give rise to a genetically different egg (ie. gives rise to the chicken). However, you cannot have an Indian red fowl egg that mutates to become a chicken (leads to invalidation of the zygote and thus abortion and death).

Also, to back up that argument, the IRF with the mutated ovaries can lay another 'chicken' egg to create a viable gene pool for the first chicken to breed with, but the probability of another egg mutating exactly the same to produce another chicken is virtually zero!

And here's the laugh! It's a philosophical paradox that has been debated throughout history and they could not solve it simply because they looked at it in a philosophical way and not a scientific one! HA! I laugh at them ALL!!!!