who needs a laugh

c'mon guys your letting the team down


Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

 

BAD jokes:

When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees?
In the Ark-hives.



"Have you heard about the new pirate movie?"
"It's rated aaarrrrrrrr."



Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because someone threw a piano at her.



Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"



A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.



What kind of house is easiest to pick up?
A light house.



Why are elephants gray?
So you don't get them confused with blueberries.



How do you keep a moron in suspense?



There were two retired racehorses living in a pasture. Their names were Razzle and Dazzle. Every day they would race from one end of the pasture to the other. On the first day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. The next day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. The third day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. A dog who had been watching them race day after day finally asked them, "Why is it that Razzle always wins by a nose?" And Razzle said to Dazzle, "Look, Dazzle, a talking dog!"



Why are manhole covers round?
Because manholes are round.



What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

 

Those were awful. Time for the bison jokes....

What do you call a pessimistic bison?
A buffaNO.

What do you call a bison that can't sing, can't dance, and can't act, but won't go away?
A buffaJ-LO.

What do you get when you cross a bison with a female deer?
A buffaDOE.

OK, that's more than enough dumb bison jokes.

 

my jokes........ my beutiful, beutiful jokes, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! there gone, all gone, OOOOOHHHHHHH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!.


oh well, time to start all over again, here's my favorite......

two cows were eating grass in a field when one cow turns to the other cow and say's "this grass is pretty good, huh?".
the second cow looks up looking shocked and replies "HOLY SHIT! a talking cow".

 

This is the thread that never ends,
It just goes on and on my friends...

 

*****

 

'ere we go baby, 'ere we go.........


A man goes into his wife, and says "Hey woman, me, you and the dog are going fishing today."
The wife says, "oh but you know i don't like fishing."
"Look" says the man. "You've got three choices, you go fishing, you give me a blow job, or you take it up the backside." With that he disappears into the garage to sort out his fishing gear.
About an hour later he re-appears. "Right women what's it going to be." he says. "Well she says you know i hate fishing so i will give you a blow job".
As she is giving him them bj she says. "Hey this tastes horrible."
"yeah" he says. "The dog didn't want to go fishing neither.

 

Deja-vu? It was a good joke though... :razz:

 

I dont know if any of these where posted but oh well

What Do You See?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert; they set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

***************************************
(Oldy but goody)


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the owner and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police officers, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun ?? There's no gun in it.

(Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.)

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there's a body in it.
Driver: A what??

(Trunk is opened; no body.)

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too !!!
*************************************************

One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

Good ones, DW, good ones.

Let's keep mrnobodies baby alive!!!



Didja hear about Mahatma Ghandi? Well, he was very poor, so he had no shoes. Without shoes, the soles of his feet became veeeery calloused. He also fasted a lot. He didn't eat for days on end. This made him very frail. One reason he fasted was his deep religous faith. However, one litlle known fact about Ghandi was that he had EXTREMELY bad breath. Know what this made him?

A supercalloused-fragile-mystic with extra halitosis.

 

That makes me cry, retard.
And i love bad jokes!

 

A man who was at work was called by the hospital to tell him his wife was having a baby. When he arrives the nurse runs up to him and said, "There has been some complications that we think you may wish to see for your self.” He walks into the room and the doctor hands him the baby rapped in a bundle. He opens the bundle and sees one giant round eye that blinks at him. “Oh MY GOD!” he said, “what could be worse then having an eye as a son.” The nurse then said, “He’s also blind.”
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*--*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Nerd Season

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

NERDS NOT ALLOWED
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!
He sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy and asks him what he does for a living. The man says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender assured him that he shouldn't worry because the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don’t even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can’t bait ’em."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*--*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Accidents Happen

A man runs into a friend and notices that his car is wrecked and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Okay," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park"

 

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
**************************************
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"
***********************************************************
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started."

Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?"

"From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde.

The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box."

"Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde.

"Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."
********************************************************
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
******************************************************
An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and to get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute quickly became annoyed and yelled, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"

"Sure would like to get some action tonight," blurted the old man.

"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished!"

"What did you say?" asked the geezer.

"You heard me! You're all finished!"

"Oh, dear," replied the old man, as he reached into his pocket, "how much do I owe you?"
*************************
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

 

Not exactly a joke, but a small text from one of my favorite writers, Nataniel Jebão. If you don’t like it blame the stupid translator (ie me) and not the writer.
“A few years back, I was returning from a social gathering when I noticed three brown-skinned boys, under a tree in front of the Copacabana Palace, eating an enormous rat with their hands. Even being late, I rushed into the hotel and ordered the waiter to give forks, knifes and napkins to the daredevils. Education and good manners come from birth. Now, people say that violence has taken over Rio. I am sure that the robbers and drug dealers are kids, like those above, that haven’t been properly educated.�

 

*giggles* poor Denny, only one post...

 

What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
*****************
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:


Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
*****************************************
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''

The guy says, ''I said BAD DOG!''
***************************
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

 

Nice to see they start 'em young in Holland.

 

WHY SOME AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE LET OUT THE COUNTRY

(Actual comments from US travel agents)

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so their hair wouldn't get messed up
from being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii?"

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map
and Florida is a very thin state."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas
was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save
time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could
not understand. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they
put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into
it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code
for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag
on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
American Express."


A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what
flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

 

EH Sherrif... where'd you dig up that picture... I live in Holland and I never ain't seen nothing like that... COOL PICTURE!! hahhahaha.
And Yes, we start early.

 

Remember the Ghandi joke? Well, the radio personality I heard it from struck again........Read on...


A man got a job as a bus driver for an elementary school. The principal of the school took him to his bus, and handed him his keys. The driver noticed that this particular bus had Sesame Street characters painted all on it and inside of it. Probably keeps the kids entertained, he thought, and climbed on. On his first stop on the first day on the job, he noticed a young fat girl standing at the bus-stop. "My name's Patty!" she said, as she boarded. "Good Morning, Patty," the bus driver replied. At the second stop another fat girl got on and said, "My name's Patty!" Hmm, two Patty's in a row, thought the bus driver, that's strange. He drove on to his third stop. This time there was a little boy waiting to get on the bus. "My name's Ross, and I'm special!" the little boy exclaimed. "Good morning Ross." At the fourth stop, another little boy was waiting, and as he boarded he announced, "My name's Lester Chase!" "Good morning Lester." The driver then noticed Lester sit down, tear off his shoes, and started picking scabs on the bottom of his feet. The driver immediately drove back to the school. "I can't take this," the driver told the principal. "I quit." "What??" replied the principal, "This is your first day on the job, and you're quitting already? Why?"

"Well, it's just terrible. I've got 2 obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester Chase pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street bus."