who needs a laugh

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?" "Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely." "But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman. "But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected. "That's true; but you have all the equipment." THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who thinks she knows more than she does.

 

i enjoyed that joke more than i have any right to...

 

Hehehe, nice one nobodie :smile:.

Also, that Harvard one was absolutely hilarious!

 

thanks j but it's MRnobodie......

but anyway here's one a mate told me...

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and downlike there's no tomorrow. The mom sees her son and dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom coming and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up".

 

Hehe good one.

A man goes into a train for a journey. He has only one ciggarette left and decides to leave it for the hard moment. He can't take it so he starts rolling the ciggarette between his fingers. A train attendant (?) runs in, grabs the ciggarette and throws it through the window.
"No smoking in a coupe!"
"But I wasn't smoking!"
"But you were going to"
The atendant leaves. The man is very angry and starts thinking of a vengeance plan. The atendant is very hungry. So she goes into her coupe, takes a plate with a juicy stake in it and starts eating. The man runs in and throws out the stake through the window.
"No shitting in a coupe!"
"I wasn't shitting!"
"But you were going to!"

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

 

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

 

:rofl: good one slagger

here's one for rose

"Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them!"

_________________
do you feel me poking you in the back?, here's my hands out here, now, can you still feel it?

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: mrnobodie on 2002-03-31 18:38 ]</font>

 

you're gonna have to do better than that, nobodie... the stupidest line ever...

"I lost my number, can I have yours."

 

one of my favorites is "the word of the day is legs, let's go back to my place and spread that word", i've tried it at work but it never worked :sad:

 

ooh, another good one i've heard...

"Are you tired, cause you've been running in my mind all day."

 

I liked this one
"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I love spaghetti, wanna screw?"
Or
"Nice shoes.Wanna screw?"
This one's risky
"I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good."
Maybe this?
"If I was the last man on Earth, I bet we could do IT in public"
Or
"If I happen to die, I want to come back as those jeans and wear your ass out. "

"Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body? "

"You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your family"

 

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

How 'bout " I seem to have lost my number , could i have yours ? "

 

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied,"Really! What team did she play for?"

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies,"I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

Hmmm..this could go on forever , better stop now ...

 

Just couldnt resist his last good one....



A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

 

i'm not one to be outdone so here.....

Little David came home from first grade and told his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asked, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thought a bit, then said, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David said. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asked, in shock. "Well," David said, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swelled and he looked at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David said, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the fuck out of him."

 

"After Jesus finished loving all the children, did he get thrown in jail?"


This joke is NOT my fault.

 

At long last, I have a new joke...

A black woman gets up one morning to find that her kitchen sink is leaking pretty bad. She calls a plumber over right away. The plumber gets there and starts to work, but soon he stops and says to the lady, "Ma'am? I seem to have left my monkey wrench at my office, and I need one to complete the job. Do you happen to have a monkey wrench?"

"Sho' do, honey. Lemme go and gets one for ya," the black lady replied. She walks out of the kitchen and in a few minutes she appears with a dousch bag in her hand. "Here ya go shugar!"

"Damn, lady!" the plumber replies. "That's not a monkey wrench! That's a dousch bag!! I need a MONKEY WRENCH!"

"Dis is a monkey wrench, honey. I rench my monkey with one every morning."

 

I finally have something decent to add:

Who Says There's No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country,
proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

 

:lol: thanks for that J, i said it before and i'll say it again "people are idiots".


This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. 3 weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000........ please advise". So the old man faxed back:..........Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.