who needs a laugh

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

Only in America:

• Academic institutions known more for their athletes than their scholars.
• Parking lots larger than the buildings they serve.
• A country where the "Lower Forty-eight" states are north of Hawaii, and where the "Continental U.S" doesn't include Alaska, which is clearly on the same continent.
• A country where the Big Ten has eleven schools, and a fifth is four fifths of a quart.
• Prices of gasoline that are a fraction of the price of drinking water - and people complaining about the price of gasoline.
• "In God We Trust" written on every piece of money of a nation that alleges to separate church and state.
• One of the world's most technologically advanced countries, with the most antiquated set of weights and measures.

The federal government is trying to decide whether The FBI, the CIA, or the Los Angeles Police Department is the most effective at apprehending criminals. The issue is to be decided with a test - a rabbit is put in a forest and each organization has to find it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!


It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?
A: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin there.

Americans vs. Russians

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever country's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after 5 years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the dachshund came out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.

"Really", the Americans replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Noteworthy dates in 20th-Century American history:
1917 - When World War I began.
1918 - When the U.S. won World War I.
1941 - When World War II began.
1945 - When the U.S. won World War II.

Okay, that's it for me at the moment....

_________________
DarkUnderlord
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Moo... Moo... I'm a Troika cow

Jarinors Minister of Foreign Affairs

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: DarkUnderlord on 2002-03-18 20:00 ]</font>

 

Ohhh... I HAVE to add in this one...

10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections.

Take the Questionnaire.

 

I think your mistaking us for Kiwis... Or *cough* Feldon *cough*....

 

Now if she had said "Moo... Moo..." You'd be closer to the truth...

 

Dodged the question? Since when? I've always happily answered that question... Come on. Where's your proof? Huh punk? Huh? Come on, you dig up the thread that you asked me in? Huh punk? Bet you can't do it can you? Huh?

No, I assure you, I really am quite shallow....