Truly Wasted Celluloid

Bad movies? You want to talk bad movies? Okay, here we go (and this list is by no means complete):

To Grandma's House We Go
It Takes Two
The Skateboard Kid
The Skateboard Kid 2
The Net
Monkey Trouble
Born to Be Wild
Any animal movie you can name apart from Milo and Otis.

Oh, the best tiles I've heard:

The Killer Condom
Attack of the 50-foot Woman!

 

I can't believe you included The Net in there, you mean bugger.

Hackers doesn't portray hackers as they really are (panty-wearing fashion victims), The Net does (cool, sexy and able to do amazing things with a floppy). Ever since seeing that film, I have felt a lot better about my image of the people I deal with on the other end of the Internet. That was, until a couple of thugs recently sent me photos, dispelling my visions.

 

I've got to stand with Milo on the Cobra thing I mean he chewed a stick match, a match for the love of pete.

 

The two worst films I've ever seen at the cinema, unfortunately in the same month, are... Phantom Menace and Austin Powers II. Both unwatchable.

 

i actually liked Austine Powers II better than the first one... as for Phantom Menace, well, yeah, it sucked, but it's Star Wars, so i've seen it more than once... it's worse than heroin...

 

The worst thing about the Phantom Menace was the kid who played Anakin Skywalker. I have never seen a worse actor cast into a major role. What the fuck was the casting agent smoking that day?

 

Who would have rather seen? Haley Joel Osment?

 

The phantom menace did suck. I slept through half of it because it was so boring. Austin Powers 2 and 1 were both funny. Remember the scene in the tent?

 

The Worst Movies Ever.

I've seen so many horrible movies that I can't even name them all.
(btw, Zardoz was fricken WEIRD!)

Usually, when I see a movie that blows ass, I'll still sit through it, to give it a "fair, overall chance".
A couple I saw in the theater that I ALMOST walked out on:
-Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation
-Universal Soldier: The Return

I rented this one movie that was all full of itself and totally, just, lame, some foreign movie: "The Emperor and the Assassin". I mean, what a weak-ass movie.

The only movie that I can recall, that I thought was so bad, in fact, REVOLTING, and SICK, that I TURNED IT OFF after watching only the first FIFTEEN minutes was: "Velvet Goldmine".
This movie was SICK. It was produced by that Michael Stipe/R.E.M. singer fag-dude or something, and starred Ewin McGregor as a totally pedophiliac/glam-rocking homosexual.
Dude, Obi-Wan is a fag. It's one thing to do a movie about homosexual glam-rockers. It's another thing to do a movie where they glorify homosexuals who love to have sex with kids.
You'd have to see it to see how messed up it is, at the same time, you really don't want to see this movie, because it's really f*cked up, it'll make you puke.
The producers, writers, and others who made this movie are pretty sick in the head. However, I'm sure this is probably Michael Jackson's favorite movie.

Speaking of movies that make you puke, these two were so sick and tasteless that I nearly upchucked, and I never had that problem with horror movies before: "Reanimator 2: Bride of the Reanimator" and "Basket Case 2".
In "Bride of the Reanimator", there were a couple interesting moments, but overall, it was tasteless and had alot of cheesy, sick, bad acting, and alot of freakish things running around. Especially sick was when the bad-acting "bride" tore herself apart with her barehands (like, her whole body, in gib-like chunks, not just limb by limb)!
In "Basket Case 2", this movie was aweful, but not terribly aweful at first. Only in the last ten minutes or so does this one get real nasty.
First sick part, is when the main character is going to do it with the chick in the movie, only to see this small demon-baby come out of her stomach and she's like,"Oh yeah, that's my kid, he just never came out."-or something like that. It was rather comical, but crude.
The guy ends up pushing her out the window, so I that was a relief.
SICK-AS-FRACK was when his mutant-"thing" twin-brother, who is this small "thing" which is basically a ghoulish "head" with a bulbish body the size of watermelon with one small arm/hand, and one large arm with a large claw, finds that the main girl in the movie...also had a mutant twin up that was up in the attic at her house (they call it "basket case", cuz the guy would carry his "brother", who was growing out of his body until surgically removed, in a basket. they are psychically linked and the mutant "thing" typically kills cuz it's "insane". Uh, yeah.).
THEY BOTH HAVE SEX!
IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE! Two "things" having sex, they even show what looked like the girl thing's "tits" and the guy "thing" rubbing them with his hands while gargly snarling,"OOH! Aahhh!"-all monsteriously and cheesy. And they also showed a hand rubbing what I think was suppose to be the guy "thing"'s penis, I'm not sure, I don't know if I even want to know (the movie is only rated R, btw).
I thought it was so disgusting that they actually showed the whole sex scene, in such a nasty way, that I had to really fight back the barf.

On a more "non-puking" note, I thought the movie "Mission to Mars" was CRAP.
I swear, the music, like during the "We got a leak!"-scene was made by some kind of mental patient let loose into a Guitar Center. The acting was bad, the "alien"-thing was so full of itself, totally UNCONVINCING, and cheesy.
I literally, had to struggle to keep from bursting out loud laughing in the theater when the Tim Robbins character killed himself,"death-by-suicide-by-Han-Solo-in-carbonite"-style and the chick was all sobbing and it just dragged on, bringing forth some hecklers in the audience, one who spouted,"Get yo' ass back in da ship already!"
My favorite was the ending when the guy blasted away and they were like,"Is that him?"
"Uh, yeah."
"See you later, Jim."
THE END.

WTF?

 

OH, YEAH, ANOTHER ONE.

I also thought Alien:Resurrection was TOTAL CRAP! In fact, Alien3 sucked too.

 

Oh...you're...back...

How...nice¹...









¹May not actually be nice.

 

The fact that you went to the theater to see these movies says something about your mental state to begin with.

 

NOT MY FAULT!

It wasn't my fault!
I was tricked!
The guy who reviewed Universal Soldier: The Return in the newspaper (it's a BIG newspaper, I won't reveal the name), was a rather credible, well known critic.
He said this movie was great!
I still like to judge for myself, but the guy said it was a great movie.
It sucked!
That's okay, cuz then we went home and emailed a bunch of people (and other papers) about the guy's insane good-review of the movie, to make him look all stupid and stuff.
MUHAHAHAH! Should have sent him a bill for $8 for the movie ticket, the fricken spud.

Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation, actually looked good and there was some nice hype behind it.
About twenty minutes into the film my friend nudges me and is like,"Dude, let's go."
And I was like,"Well, let's at least give it a chance."
He gave me this,"Aww, I f*cking guess."-look.
The movie did not get better.
But it did get more enjoyable as it was so ridiculous and horrible, that, we seemed to have a better time laughing at how pathetic it was, rather than taking it seriously.
I liked all those public-service-announcement speeches Raiden would give.
Espeically, when he saw Jax with the styrofoam "mechanical" arms and he's like,"Hey, man, what's up with those arms?"
BWAHAHAHAH!
This movie SUCKS!
Or the stupid tunnel-travelling iron hamster-wheel-balls.
HAHAHAH! LAME!
Or when "Sub-Zero" shows up...BUT WAIT!...it's actually his "twin brother" or some cheap crap like that. He spouts a few lines, then flies off and doesn't ever appear again in the film! Maybe HE knew the movie sucked?
Or the whole "Animality" and bits.
DO YOU KNOW YOUR ANIMALITY?!
RAAAARGH!
OOH, so very scary, man.
Make another Mortal Kombat flick, man. Totally.

 

Dicepherus humpalumpa!

"Bad Taste"!

Then again, it's supposed to be a b-movie, AND it was directed by Peter Jackson!

Yes, the same Peter Jackson who directed "Lord Of The Rings"!!

 

A good B-movie can actually be good though...

 

Good grief! I can't believe people are sticking up for Austin Powers II - surely the most puerile, tasteless, badly acted, poorly scripted, self indulgent, unfunny mess ever to get a general release.

What made it worse for me was that I thought the first film had some good moments, and I thought that if they tightened up the script, reined in some of Mike Myers' excesses and put a bit more thought into the plot and pacing (yes, even in a comedy!), that the second one could be pretty good.

Unfortunately, they just went in totally the opposite direction and gave Mr. Myers carte blanche to do whatever he wanted. With 'hilarious' consequences...
Exactly how funny is someone drinking human excrement, for God's sake?!??

Oh, hang on, I forgot about some of the wierdoes on this board...

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Reg Pither on 2002-03-08 02:44 ]</font>

 

If someone in a newspaper rewies a film and give it a good grade: stay away, if he gives it a medium grade then you can watch it. If he gives it a bad grade: stay away.
That simple really, unnless you are that kind who likes bad boring tear filled filmes about some retard kid who becomes the most liked kid on the school.
The newspapers weird as it may seem send people that loves crying movies to rewiew all kind of movies so unnless it is a crying movie they do not know what they are talking about. Atleast in 4 out of 5 cases.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Qilikatal on 2002-03-08 03:24 ]</font>

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Qilikatal on 2002-03-08 03:24 ]</font>

 

Reg, it all comes down to personal taste. I can't stand tear-jerkers, romantic comedies, etc etc etc.

I thought that Austin Powers 2 was good though. Some people love movies that I hate, and other people hate movies that I love. I know a lot of people who though that AP2 was good.

 

Yeah, baby. It was grr, baby, ve-ry grrr.

I loved that movie. I've ssen some trailers for the next one (Gold Member). I hope it's as good.

 

Fair enough, guys. It does all come down to taste, I suppose. But I know of only one person out of half a dozen or so who will admit to liking it.

I'm with you, Jarinor, on not being a fan of tear-jerkers - usually 'chick-flicks' - but there are always exceptions. I can't actually think of one at the moment, though...

As for romantic comedies... would Some Like it Hot qualify?