Smuel's good morning extravaganza

A prime example to show any nimrod that calls you a grammar nazi or says “who cares you know what I mean anyway.”

 

Until they go, "Joke's on you buddy, I love cum in my mouth."

In other news I had every man's nightmare today, I was mid dump and the fire alarm went off. Still having a bad ankle it becomes a race against time to get out so people aren't like, "Where's Jojobobo, he's not at the muster point and he's on crutches! We'd better go find him," shortly followed by, "Oh, he was just taking a shit."

Part of me did wonder if the cubicle door had become some sort of portal to Smuel's subconscious, like Being John Malkovich with turds.

Of course, it was a drill. Good morning.

 

So, it was more of a "been to the John, Malkovich?" dream?

Good Morning.

 

So wait, it was a real event that is a figurative nightmare?

Did... did your apartment building(?) run a practise fire drill, and you all had to rally somewhere?

That is a nightmare in a dystopoc authoritarian way, but the pooping is incidental to the horror.

What happens if you tell your neighbours to not count you and skip the drills?

Would they really come and find you on the toilet then be all like, oh i say bad form wot i never etc?

I feel your pain about hobbling, though. It is a special horror being lame.

 

No it was at work, I've been back in since the 2nd in spite of being gimped. Even Britain isn't that dystopian, yet.

Well I guess I've always been lame, now I just have a bad ankle too. Seems to be gradually improving, as these things do.

Good morning!

 

In England we have indoor toilets. I guess you wouldn't understand.

Good morning.

 

... We can lease indoors too.

Good morning.

 

So, no doubt I caused a global dip in sales of baguettes as a result of my previous devastating rant about the inconvenience of eating them. Now brace yourselves for another blow to international food culture as I turn my baleful gaze towards... pizza.

Yes, pizza. It seems so popular. People go on about it. People voluntarily choose it, when they could have other food. Well, no more, for I shall now explain everything wrong with it.

Firstly, all pizzas taste the same. They're all made of bread, cheese, and tomato sauce. For example, a pepperoni pizza is bread, cheese, and tomato sauce, plus a few slices of dried up salami. A Hawaiian pizza is bread, cheese, and tomato sauce, plus some small pieces of dried up ham and pineapple. A cheese pizza is - I'm sure you're starting to see the pattern here, but I'll tell you - it's the normal bread, cheese, and tomato sauce, with some extra cheese, dried up if at all possible.

No other cuisine does this. Sweet and sour chicken isn't a bed of rice with some small dry pieces of chicken laid out on top - the chicken comes in a sauce! A sauce that tastes different from the sauce in other dishes! If Chinese cuisine modelled itself after pizza, there would be a dish called "rice margherita" which would just be a bowl of plain rice. Which, incidentally, would still be more interesting than pizza.

Secondly, you would think that bread, cheese, and tomato sauce must be some amazing magical combination, since the entire edifice is built upon it. But no. Every single pizza advertisement says that it is "crispy", but this is a lie. The crusts are tough and chewy, the toppings are dried out, and the base is soggy and cold. Perhaps there is a 30 second window when a pizza has just come out of the oven where it is utterly sublime, but I am convinced no human has ever experienced this since the transition from "burn your mouth off" to "whoops now it's cold" happens so fast that Neo in The Matrix would find dodging bullets easier than taking a bite of pizza at the right time.

Do you know what tastes better than spicy chicken pizza? Spicy chicken. When people ask "What's your favourite pizza" what they're really asking is "What's your favourite food, because I'm about to put some tiny chunks of it on top of bread, cheese, and tomato sauce, and then bake all the moisture out of it, while pretending I'm doing you a favour." Thanks, but next time maybe serve the actual food instead?

In conclusion, pizza doesn't deserve its hallowed reputation and anyone who pretends to like it is obviously misguided. "Oh but Smuel, you cross-eyed prick, you should go to Chicago/New York/Milan, the pizza there is _amazing_". No it isn't. It's the same everywhere. I can tell because the people going on and on about pizza are the same everywhere. Germans don't say "Ja, das pizza ist super-gut but du hast to go to San Francisco to experienz der uber-pizza." No, they're enthusiastically ordering the same crappy pizza I've seen everywhere else and then exclaiming "Pizza mit der tuna fisch und sweetkorn? Das beginnt ein Fourth Reich in mein mouth!"

tl;dr - Pizza sucks, especially German pizza, but also all other kinds of pizza.

Good morning.

 

Looks like someone hasn't tried pizza with Béchamel sauce on the base. I stopped reading at this point because of the staggering depth of your ignorance.

Good morning!

 

I like pizza in general (simple carbs for a simple man), but not all pizza is created equal. It's not an issue of geography either; you can get shitty pizza anywhere. I think it comes down to style, and quality of ingredients. You can't just go to one pizza joint, eat a pie that tastes like cardboard with ketchup and Cheez Whiz, and decide that all pizza is bad. You gotta play the pizza field a little. Pizza quality varies wildly from pizza joint to pizza joint.

In my town, we have the mass market staples (Little Caesars, Dominoes, Pizza Hut, Papa Murphy's, Papa Johns, listed in ascending order of quality, IMO) that will fill an empty hole and sometimes taste pretty good. But there's also the fire-baked pizza joint where the pizza is consistently good and the toppings are more than just dried up pieces of animal flesh or veggies.

My personal favorite pizza is the Red Baron thin crust pepperoni. Not because it's the best tasting pizza out there, but because it costs like two dollars at the grocery store, can live happily in the freezer for a long time, and takes about 13 minutes from, "I think I'd like to eat pizza" to, "I'm eating tasty pizza!" Because at the end of the day, pizza isn't about expanding culinary horizons; it's about the convenience of shoving meat, veggies, cheese, sauce, and bread into your face hole all at once without making a mess.

 

Ugh, don't even get me started on people who call pizza "a pie".

Good morning.

 

This lead me to google why Americans call it a pie. Apparently it's a pretty heated issue ("WE DON'T FUCKING CALL IT A PIE MAN", etc.). Seems like a regional thing that annoys some Americans too, especially when everyone assumes all Americans call it a pie (also, some deep dishes look and are sliced like a pie).

Good pie, I mean good morning.

 

Rats, I thought I'd come up with something unique to be crotchety about. But yeah, no way is it a pie. More like a tart or quiche. Though I can see that "When the moon smokes hashish, like a big pizza-quiche" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Good morning.

 

You don't call it a pie because it IS a pie. It's obviously not a pie. But it's round like a pie, and gets sliced like a pie. So you call it a pie, the same way you call something that is a catastrophic mess a "trainwreck."

For example: Smuel's mom is a trainwreck.

 

Or, Smuel's mum's arse is a pie - it's round and I always want a slice of it.

Good morning!

 

"a piece of it" would probably have worked better there.

Also, you and all your moms suck!

Good morning.

 

Only in the figurative sense, unlike your mum.

Good morning.

 

Gah, outwitted again! You shall rue the day, Jojobobo. YOU SHALL RUE THE DAY.

Good morning.

 

Okay, so it's been roughly three and a half minutes since my last food-based rant.

"Oh no!" I hear you cry, weeping bitter tears of despair. "What delicacy is Smuel about to turn unpalatable with his honeyed words today, forever souring me to its hitherto unbridled delights?" Well, stand back and brace your tastebuds, it's time for Yet Another Mildly Upset Man Spewing Un-Kind Sentiments Describing Indigestible Cuisine, or YA MUM SUKS DIC for short.

Today's topic is pork. The most dry and tasteless of all meats. Centuries ago, wise men realised that the only way to make pork appetising was to turn it into bacon, ham, sausages, salami or any number of other pork-derived products. These were valuable discoveries, and today we salute these brave culinary frontiersmen by adding bacon to almost everything in existence.

And yet... AND YET... "pork chops" are still a thing. THEY SHOULD NOT BE A THING. Like, who the hell is thinking "Ooh, I fancy a pork chop for dinner." Nobody should ever think that, since nobody should voluntarily choose plain boring pork over one of the many derivations that are infinitely superior.

Chicken tastes nice by itself. Nobody feels the urge to turn chicken into chicken-bacon, or something daft like that. Beef also tastes nice, hence beef-bacon doesn't exist. So who is it that can't put two and two together and realise that the last time they were faced with a tough dry piece of cardboard to chew over it was a pork chop, and MAYBE THEY SHOULD STOP CHOOSING PORK CHOP FROM THE MENU.

I'd say that the Muslims and Jews were onto something when they forbade eating pork altogether. I haven't looked this up, but I assume that they allow pork-derived products such as bacon, sausages etc, and only forbid plain pork itself, because otherwise the rule would be a little silly.

Seriously, the only time I can ever remember my jaw muscles literally aching from the effort of chewing food, it was a pork chop. My heart sinks every time someone gleefully announces "pork chops for dinner". Do they hate me? Well, yes, probably. But do they also hate themselves? Well, now that I think about it, it's quite likely. But does the entire supply chain from farm to supermarket shelf hate us both and construct an elaborate scheme whereby pork chops are butchered, packaged, transported, sold, and promoted on cooking shows as if they're the height of indulgence? Well, I mean, I'm not saying that all those people know us personally, but I suppose they would hate us if they did, but even so that's a lot of effort to go to just for the satisfaction of knowing that my jaw muscles ache occasionally. Oh man, they really got one over on me!

In short, no more plain pork! No more plain pork! Come on, chant with me. No more plain pork! Not you, Japes' mom, we know you like a plain pork, but everyone else. No more plain pork! Okay, not you, Jojobobo's mom, go and stand over there with Japes' mom. I'll see you both after class. No more plain pork!

Good morning.