Smuel's good morning extravaganza

Sharing Bill Cosby's dream eh? That's a brave thing for a teacher to admit.

Good morning.

 

Talking of being asleep, I had a dream last night where I was sitting on the toilet in a large bathroom, and someone else was sitting on a chair opposite, trying to discuss a business deal with me. Now, obviously, I am all about business, but I didn't feel comfortable in this situation, because I was trying to do my business if you know what I mean. So in order to force matters I looked him calmly in the eye and aggressively squeezed out a massive shit. You know when sometimes a turd is so heavy and solid that it feels like you've fired it out of your ass at high velocity, and it makes a tangible thud as it hits the bowl? Yeah, one of those. Though this one was perfectly on target and hit the water instead, causing a splash of slimy brown liquid to land near his feet. He got up and left.

Now, this is the part where you expect me to say I woke up to a spoiled mattress, but no, I merely woke up to a sense of incomprehension of why my mind would come up with something like that.

Then I remembered another dream I had about three years ago. I dreamed I was in a fancy old-fashioned theater, watching a play, sitting next to my mother. The seat that I was sitting on was like a normal padded cloth theater seat, but conveniently it had a large hole in it so that I could take a nice dump onto the carpeted floor below, which then lay there while I tried to work out whether I had to do anything about it or whether this was normal. Then I woke up and realised that a) it is not normal, and b) I didn't have to do anything about it because it was just a dream.

Now, this is the part where you decide that I'm weirdly obsessed with shitting in my dreams. And to be honest at this point I'm inclined to agree.

Good morning.

 

And in both instances, handsome blonde haired TDC walked in and you blew him right? I presume you left that detail out because it's a recurring part of every dream you have.

I have far too many dreams when I am convinced that they are real when I wake up and now my life is irrevocably changed. I've also had some where the dream felt more vivid than real life and I have trouble feeling like reality is real for an hour or so, it feels like everything is a lie.

To cap it all, I'm one of those people who can somewhat frequently hallucinate for the first 10-15 seconds of so when I wake up. About a month back, because I have a full-length free standing mirror in the corner of the room and it's positioned in a corner where the door would be in the master bedroom of a childhood home (extending the room like the door was open) I thought I was back there when I woke up. I'm in a ground floor flat currently, but that room was on the second floor and in view of a staircase.

So, I waking-dreamed that two creepy fuckers floated up the staircase and then stood over me broadly smiling - all the while I was screaming and not knowing what was going on. It wasn't too fun.

On a different occasion I think I've ever done is I insisted to my fiancée there was a little boy at the bed, literally sitting bolt upright, pointing and saying, "There's a boy at the end of the bed! Right there!"

I'm sure it's normal. Quite sure.

Good morning.

 

You weirdos are perfectly normal.

I have not shared any of those specific experiences but I can relate to them. Many toddlers get wilfully constipated as they learn shame and social restraint, and it is more prevalent in stricter societies like Japan. Quite normal to then conflate it with a social situation as a symbol for your supressed desire to kill your boss or whatever.

As for long, vivid dreams and epiphanies I also have had a few, and an occassional waking vision, but that too is not uncommon.

The night terrors and sleep paralysis are also perfectly normal, if horrible.

Actually the unusual thing about our culture is how rarely we remember or discuss our dreams.

Good morning.

 

Once I dreamed of wizards in a sci fi penthouse summoning an ancient evil which came as a dragon crashing in by the ceiling. They placated its bloodlust with lettuce and I, being held hostage with my ninja and werewolf buddies, gave it tips on bloodlust lettuce gorging. Everyone and the dragon stared at me and i said "oh i have dragon blood from the last age". And the dragon says "7 to 8 thousand years ago?" and i reply "much older, like 40 000" and the dragon says "that is the tastiest vintage" and we all start kung fu fighting. Luckily my.ninja and werewolf posse distract the dragon while i escape to the elevator and leave the raging dragon to eat the penthouse cabal.

Oh and when i was talking to the dragon about lettuce therapy, i also said "i would kill everyone here for a cigarette" and the dragon was cool, and summoned a quasit to fetch me a smoke before he frenzied.

Then the scifi skyscraper nanotech folded into city-seed escape pods as i was in the lift, and that was the end of the age. The ninja redeemed herself at the end, and the werewolf found peace.

Good morning.

 

My dreams never have that much narrative, they're only ever once short scene, tops, and sometimes they only go as far as setting the scene. I always used to think that when films contain a long convoluted dream sequence it was utterly preposterous, since real dreams aren't like that at all. Then I realised that actually some people do have dreams like that, and felt slightly hard done by.

On the plus side, I've never experienced night terrors. Part of me is kind of curious to try it once, since I wonder whether my rational mind would be able to see through the nightmare. On the other hand, I suspect not, since the call would be coming from inside the house, so to speak. Plus everyone says the experience is utterly awful, so perhaps I won't wish for it too hard. My condolences to any Jojobobos who have to suffer through that.

Good morning.

 

That /was/ only a short scene, but there does seem to be an awful lot of implicit prologue.

See, if you do write down or otherwise train your brain to remember dreams, it will respond by dishing up increasing details.

Another neat trick is to psych up for lucid dreaming, which is currently the best VR on the market. But you need to allow 4-6 hours of normal harddrive defragmenting or it is exhausting.

In general i guess i fed the beast too much because going to sleep is always a gamble, and I basically intoxicate myself for the express purpose of not remembering at all.

Good morning.

 

Last night I had another instalment in the shit show, as it were.

Picture the scene, it's night time, and you're on the toilet, which is situated on a street corner in the city. It's cold outside, so you have a blanket wrapped around you, but you don't want the blanket to dip into the toilet, of course, so that requires constant vigilance. In fact you're not sure whether you'll be able to complete the task at hand at all, since, come on, who wants to shit outside on a street corner? Then blam! A stream of watery faeces shoots out of your ass with such velocity that a large amount of it splashes out onto the surrounding pavement. You're sitting there contemplating what a pain it's going to be to clean up, when a large group of women on a night out start crowding around you because they're waiting to cross the street. One of them says "It smells like shit around here." You try to avoid making eye contact.

Now, I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to see some consistent themes here.

Good morning.

 

I think you may have a fetish.

 

It's part of the spice of life I guess. I would say it keeps me young, but much more likely it's prematurely aging me into an early heart attack.

Good morning!

 

No need for psychology, but scatology, ah?

I once dreamed about looking down on one of the highest mountains of the world. There on the mountain stood an altar and a giant gong. Some hairy monsters (like the yetis) brought a person to the altar. They placed the person on the altar and sacrificed him. After the sacrifice, they used the gong. All of the sudden, a clawed monstrous hand appeared that hold on the top of the mountain. Then before I knew it, a top of a monstrous head started to appear behind the mountain. The creature was even larger than the whole mountain! Slowly it moved up and I started to get a look at its face. And then I woke up.

 

I'm not the one who keeps coming back to read about shitting in dreams.

 

That's... kind of close.



Good morning.

 

I keep getting a Pokemon ad because I suppose I have Pokemon Go on my phone but the other day I started getting Russian wives ads so I’m glad this must be the new norm on the terra Arcanum site instead of life telling me something.

 

I done broked my ankle.

Got a bit shit-faced on Friday and fell over at my first work's do at a new job, was thinking it was just a bad sprain. Having not been able to really put weight on it even today I rang the NHS non-emergency number and they told me to go to A&E - turns out it's a clean break on a non-load bearing ankle bone. TBH I think when I had a bad sprain 4 or 5 years ago it was more painful, so as things go it could have been far worse and probably won't take too long to recover.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got rear windows I need to start obsessing over.

Good morning.

 

Nuts mate. Hopefully you recover soon and it gives you time to sit back and do another play through of Arcanum.

 

Thanks for the sentiments, unfortunately my job requires some administration so I can do that remotely. As it's currently a temp position as least I'm getting paid for the hours I put.

I guess there's no rest for the wicked, or at the very least the stupid and alcohol-crazed.

Good morning.