In a Pickle

Yeah so erm... My parnter is bipolar and I wanted a seemingly inocuous title that she wouldn’t check too much into - I've been playing on Plants vs. Zombies recently and she wouldn't know a pickle isn't a plant. Where do I begin?

Basically I'm in need of help, recently I've developed OCD with the specific obsession of breaking my partner's neck. For all you people who think I'm a danger... SNAP! OCD people won't ever harm people and if you still don't believe me I've been diagnosed since my March and not harmed my partner, also I've had thoughts along these lines and never acted on them since early childhood; so what does that tell you?

So yeah, fuck yeah, I'm in need of help. I'll start from the beginning: My partner started off 6 years ago perfectly happy and normal. 5 years ago-ish she told me she had had depression before. By this time I'd fallen in love and would do anything for her.

She started cutting herself, and it took me some time to convince her not to. She told me she would kill herself if I ever told anyone about her problems, and then when I told her she needed to relax a bit she said in response she would leave me. Of course I said I had to tell people if she was suicidal and she didn't really have a response - she went for a meal with her family which I wasn't aware of and in the process, thinking she killed herself, I told most of my family what had happened thinking the worst. Afterwards she told me this whole situation was my fault.

Skip forward a few years and we had quite a night. She was depressed, as you would imagine bipolar people are from time to time, and she asked me to suffocate her. She’s still alive so you can imagine my response. Suffice to say if you’ve ever been in love and had your partner ask you to kill them there’s nothing worse.

So she improved, but not entirely. She only got diagnosed with bipolar before last Christmas, so imagine my anguish with having to deal with someone like this till them. She’s on Seroquel at the minute but it’s not entirely affective; she’ll probably be transitioning onto a lithium based drug by the end of this month but the point is before that and for years she was still a fucking arsehole.

On a daily basis she has called me “fat, an idiot, a moron, a retard, ugly, a spastic” etc. for the last 3 years at least. She’ll also tell me “no wonder no one likes me”, that “my family are all against me” and worst of all (which I find it hard to ignore) “ that I mutter all the time.” Of course there’s more importantly looks she gives me - every time I’m talking about a detail she finds boring - that say to me more than words “move the fucking conversation along.” I’ve developed significant social anxiety as a consequence, sometimes when I’m speaking to people telling a prolonged story I feel like I’m being choked, but what can you do?

I’m human, I lose my rag some of the time. I’ve never hit her but god have I wrecked my house as a consequence of how incredibly angry she’s made me. I will say that my experiences with her have made me emotionally wooden - how could you not be? - but to someone with such variant emotions she doesn’t understand.

So there you go, help me! Tell me you’ve also had similar experiences, or at least tell me “dude that shit is whack!” Or just enjoy a person’s stupid worries. Hopefully in few weeks time when she’s on lithium she’ll be sorted, but till then my god am I going crazy. Gross I’m sure you said before you had schizoaffective disorder and you’ve been on seroquel - your advice on these matters would be most welcome. For the record she’s got pyschlophemia if that makes things clearer - and yes that does mean she hallucinates from time to time.

Why am I posting this here? Well no forums have topics which contain OCD person with bipolar partner. I also thought people are intelligent here, and seeing as I’m engaged I don’t want to relay these specific worries to my friends/family. In the most part given my social anxiety the friends I already have are usually her friends anyway. In any case I thought this might be like a free soap opera for people after a laugh, if not than your advice is most welcome. If you have anymore questions about my past with her as well, shoot.

Edit: People have viewed and no one's answered! Don't be shy. I think I'm going to go and pick up some beer for the time being anyway, after all my partner is on a tranquilizer.

 

Dude that shit is whack!

No really, I have no clue what to say, except that I hope the situation improves with the addition of lithium to the equation.

And I applaud you for staying by her.

 

Well cheers! I wouldn't be bad enough to post stuff here if I didn't feel like crap already, but any response even if it doesn't solve my conundrum is always nice. And don't worry, me myself I'm not in enough of a bad space so you'd have to have my death on your hands if you posted something glib or insensitive, which is always fun! Also that beer I went for didn't materialise - apparently no one will serve someone with holes in their t-shirt at one in the morning.

 

It seems like you've been dealing with your share of abuse over the years.
I unfortunately can't say much about seroquel except that "it doesn't work for me." Actually, no psyche med on the market does. They make my symptoms worse, in fact. It was so bad that, due to my hallucinations, my doctor was convinced that I had to be doing "hard drugs," so I was obviously on PCP, LSD or mushrooms. Turns out that psyche meds only work in 60-65% of cases, and surprise! I didn't have any residual drugs in my system according to a blood test, a urine test, and an MRI (which can expose strange chemical activity in the brain that might cause hallucinations).
Now, you have noticed at least a slight improvement over time since the introduction to seroquel? That's a good sign, and lithium is a very successful treatment.
I know that you love her, but she's abusing you, plain and simple. She's taking advantage of your feelings for her and using them, as well as choice words, to hurt you. Who knows, maybe after some weeks on lithium therapy she'll start feeling like her old self again and stop, but that doesn't excuse what's actually going on now. Have you assertively tried to address the issue with her? I know from your post that you were successful in keeping her from cutting herself, but right now I'd say that, with the information given, this is a problem out of your scope to deal with. If you have a therapist now, you can have her sit in on a session and explain to her what's going through your head when she says the things she does. Then, she'll have an opportunity to speak for herself. Your therapist will be the mediator in all of this and, through an unbiased professional opinion, allow the two of you to make compromises, if compromises are indeed possible. Either that, or try straight-up couples therapy.
You're dealing with a lot right now, and it may not be what you want to hear, but; your other may not be psychologically healthy enough to be in a relationship.

 

With all sincerity, please don't have children with her. Too much crazy in one house.

 

Well seroquel doesn't help her supremely affectively either, don't give up hope I'm sure you'll find some medication that suits you at some point to. I have a lot of faith in chemistry; and if I have a moment when I hopefully become a researcher I'll develop the Grossenschwamm Drug to solve all your problems!

And I have assertively tried to address our issues sure and I know it's abuse, but when you care about someone it's hard to make somethings so cut and dry. Regardless of how I present it here I've had some very good times with her to. We're open with one another and we do try and talk things out; but when she's in the grip of how she can get she thinks that I use her illness to lump problems in our relationship entirely on her. To be honest this is a pain because the vast majority of problems in our relationship are her fault.

I know you've said she's not maybe psychologically capable to deal with a relationship now - but when do you draw the line? She's definitely not anywhere near as bad as she was before but still she is causing me problems for my own mental health - it seems hypocritical to have a break from her now when before I haven't for worse abuses.

And as for therapists - this is the first time I'll be seeing one since I've been diagnosed towards the end of this month. Honestly I feel like I should have this one first and explain my specific issues to the therapist before I invite her in for a session. Realistically I feel like OCD is a joke of an illness regardless of how it makes me feel sometimes, it's nothing like the permanent mental illnesses like you or her have so I feel weak for even having it in the first place.

Oh fuck you're telling me - even if lithium does work it's nothing a woman can take whilst she's pregnant. Bipolar problems x pregancy hormones produces issues I don't even want to contemplate right now. I'll see how the lithium goes, then I really will have to cross that bridge when it comes to it. Not that my family doesn't produce neurotic little bitches anyway, as evidenced by myself.

 

OCD isn't any less serious. People can effectively be crippled by their compulsions. You aren't weak for having OCD, as without proper treatment and the subsequent admission of a problem, you can get much worse. However, I suppose that depends on your triggers. And, for some people, OCD is an asset that allows them to do things others would find maddening, whereas not doing those things as a person with OCD would be a direct simulacrum. I mean, don't go choking your girlfriend, unless its a sex thing and you two are into that. That is definitely a compulsion that you shouldn't indulge in...but I'm sure you know that.
Of course, when you see your therapist it's always important to address your concerns at first and see what options are available to you. It wasn't until I showed how negative an influence my mom was (and is) on my life that my therapist even offered to mediate.
I've actually found that, sans medications, I'm more able to take care of myself, less likely to hallucinate, and on a more even keel from an emotional standpoint. I'm also feeling much less physically ill than in the months during my "treatment." The last pill I tried gave me chest pains!

 

Best of luck to you when that time comes Jojobobo haha!

 

Well this is the thing with my OCD, I'm far less large on the C and more on the O's that flood my mind and make me feel like a horrible human being. In regards to obsession people engage in safety seeking behaviours - for most people that means compulsions they preform as they believe that will prevent their negative obsessions from happening and so minimise the anxiety that arises from them - for me it just means avoiding the situation (e.g. staying away from my fiancee's back, as I perceive she's vulnerable) rather than committing to some overt compulsion. Compulsions to my mind make no sense because I believe I am in control of my own actions. The irrational thought that drives my obsessions is part of me is trully evil and wants this, or I'll just go in to a fugue state and commit these actions anyway. Stupid I know when I believe fundamentally I am in control of my own actions and so don't preform any compulsions - that is the thing with completely irrational thoughts they don't make sense - but I am working on it.

To be honest this is precisely why I posted this here rather than somewhere else where people might take things a bit more seriously and morbidly: people here can find humour in grim situations and right now that's exactly what I need.

 

My brother is bipolar. In the last ten years, his life has been one crisis after another and he has pretty much managed to piss on every person that ever tried to help him. We still love him, but when he goes into self-destruct mode, there's really no way to deal with him. You can't reason with him, if you don't see things his way you're against him, and he has absolutely zero concept of how his actions affect other people. He is the bright shining center of the universe around which everything and everyone revolves, and he is not pleased and nothing else matters. I realized a long time ago that he is going to do and be what he is going to do and be regardless of anything I say or do, and even if he blew his brains out and blamed me with his last breath, I can't take responsibility for his actions. I will reiterate that point: you can't hold yourself responsible for the actions of a person who isn't mentally stable.

Now, on to my second point: women who make you miserable.

Whether or not you hold the bible as the ultimate source of truth, the biblical description of love is sound: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
If you let your happiness be dependent upon the whims of a person who is not described by these words, you're in for some grief. I learned that the hard way. I also learned that it is better to cut somebody you love out of your life than to let them continually make you miserable. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you can't be happy with anyone else, that you don't want anyone else to make you happy. That's just illogical bullshit served up by the dark corners of your brain, don't buy it. If you do, you will miss the happy relationship that is out there waiting for you because you're too busy being miserable over a person who isn't going to change no matter how much you wish they would.

So to sum up: give that bitch up the road and find someone who makes you happy, and don't blame yourself when she goes into bipolar self-destruct mode; she was going to do that anyway, she's just going to blame it on you this time.

A final point: clean breaks are best. Don't work up some emotional and elaborate ending, just tell her you're through and don't ever contact her again. It's not easy, it's going to hurt, but you'll be glad you did it when you find that person who really loves you and makes you happy.

 

Don't worry I learnt that too a long time ago, so much so that I don't feel even a twinge of guilt if she starts crying anymore. Lately I'm trying to be much more selfish in regards to doing what makes me happy and not what will make her happy; that's what she does all the time, she only really ever thinks of herself, so I don't see why I shouldn't do it also.

No I know I would probably be happier with someone else, and I'm sure there's probably plenty of other people out there who I could be with, but that doesn't stop me caring for her. I also feel like I'd be doing myself a disservice giving up on her now after putting up with so much when lithium might sort her out and then things will get better. I'm not the kind of person to give up all hope they have in someone easily. I guess only time will tell, hopefully in a month or so it'll be much clearer about the kind of future I might have with her.

To be honest she is vastly improved from what she used to be, all the suicidal stuff and self harm is completely past tense. She does only have the middling form of bipolar disorder, so I guess that means she's more susceptible to treatment than your average severe sufferer. She just doesn't treat me very well a lot of the time, and even though she is improved that doesn't change all what has gone before.

Thanks for the responses anyway, I guess I'm just venting. Besides it's always fun to share your most personal information with complete strangers on the internet.

 

I say give in and kill her.

 

I guess I'm not trying to be her knight anymore, I know that's impossible, honestly I don't really know what I am getting out of this. I am quite distant from her, quite distant from everyone really, I suppose there's only so much you can take before you become quite emmotionally dead to prevent people getting at you.

I will just see what lithium does, I guess if things really don't change I might have to leave her. Another problem with leaving her is purely the fact that finding somewhere to live afterwards would be a bloody nightmare, we co-rent a flat and I can't afford to move out and find somewhere else. There are probably people I could stay with for a bit but I really wouldn't want to burden someone anymore than a couple of weeks, after then I don't know what I'd do it wouldn't be easy finding somewhere where I could continue getting to uni.

Well maybe... no, no! Damn you wayne, you almost had me there.

 

Never mind all this angsty stuff - tell us about the crazy awesome sex you get when she's on an up swing.

 

Jojobobo, you sound like you are with this person because of the memories of the past and the inconveniences of the present, but not because of the vision of a future with this person being the future you really want.

The relationship sounds like something that will fall apart sooner or later, and that is the good scenario. I like you too much to wish you an unsatisfying lifetime of this kind of relationship.

 

Well thanks for your concern. I guess I don't know what kind of future I have with her, but as I said I'm still going to wait til she's on lithium before sacking it in. If I leave her it will also seem stupid that I wasted 6 years of my life.

I guess I have just been focussing on the bad things here; she's also got a great sense of humour, she can be kind and our interests overlap significantly so we're never short on things to talk about. I find it hard to believe that the person she was at the beginning of our relationship isn't still in there. Things have got better, so I am hopeful lithium will make things better still. I'll keep everyone posted on how things turn out in the long run - for better or for worse.

 

Reminds me of the sunk cost fallacy. I would wholly recommend breaking up if this was the only thing preventing it.

 

Both of my long term relationships (3+ years each) were with bipolar women.

They can be incredibly pleasant people, but it sounds like your partners issues run deeper than her bipolar disorder. Why stay with her if she is so consistently abusive?

Next time she mentions suicide call her an ambulance and get a section 12.

Two of my best friends have bipolar. One is on Lamictil twice a day + Seroquel at night before bed. The other is on celexa and lithium.

 

Fetish much?