who needs a laugh

Mag...wrong thread. Still fun, though.


It's the big day, the day when one lucky man makes one lucky woman his wife.
The groom walks down the aisle, with a humongous grin on his face. He reaches the altar, standing next to the best man.

Best man: Dude, what's up? You're pretty happy for a guy who's about to get married.
Groom: Man, I just got the best blowjob of my life from the woman I'm about to marry.

A few moments later, the bride walks down the aisle with a similarly large grin on her face. She reaches the altar, standing next to the maid of honor.

Maid of Honor: Oh, I'm so happy for you! I bet you're smiling cause you're about to get married.
Bride: Nope. I just gave the last blowjob of my life.

 

I think that the original punch line I heard for that was better "I hope your canoes sink!"

 

Back around the turn of the century it wasn't uncommon for a traveling carnival to feature an audience participation act.
One such was where the local men, for the price of a single dollar, had an opportunity to win a cash prize of a hundred dollars if they could out-wrestle a fellow billed as Mad-Dog McGuirk.
Now he was a massively built man with arms bigger than most people’s thighs and not an ounce of fat anywhere on him. By brute strength alone, he was able to defeat nine out of ten men who accepted the challenge and tenth guy he made an example out of by lifting the poor fellow off the ground, folding him double, and holding him that way until the referee finished doing a ten-count. As you might imagine, Ol' Mad-Dog was considered undefeatable.
One day the carny set up in this little backwater of a town and soon enough the young men started lining up for their chance at fame and fortune. Well it just so happened that the first guy in line was this scrawny beanpole of a guy named Leroy. You've seen the type - have to stand up twice to cast a shadow. In spite of all the jibes, derisive comments, and even some sincere words from the barker, he was bound and determined he was going to do this.
Well, the barker finally relented, accepted Leroy's money, and sent him into the tent to change into a pair of shorts for the match. Catching a spare moment, he sent word to McGuirk to use his folding technique for the first match.
When the time came for Leroy and McGuirk to wrestle, as soon as the bell rang McGuirk wasted no time in seizing his under-sized opponent and applying his infamous fold.
The announcer turned away to watch the audience's reaction when all of a sudden everyone jumped to their feet and shouted in amazement. The announcer whipped back around to see Leroy getting back on his feet and McGuirk stretched out on the mat - out cold! After he was able to shake off his stunned reaction, he declared Leroy the winner, and led him off to one side.
"Look, kid," he said. "We've been doing this now for ten years and no one's ever been able to beat Mad-Dog. So, how'd you do it?!"
Leroy rubbed his privates for an instant then said, "Well, when that big feller had me all folded up like that, I thought I was a fix'n to die! Then I looked up and seen this pair of hairy balls hangin' down right in front of me." He paused for a moment. "So I bit 'em!"
The announcer stared in horror at the thought but Leroy wasn't quite finished speaking yet. With an expression of utmost sincerity he concluded with: "Ya know, it's amazin' whatcha can do when ya bite yerself in the balls!"

 

Why is Blitzen known as the 'brown-nosed reindeer'?

Because he's just as fast as Rudolf, but can't stop as quickly.



--Piper

 

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?




A: Christopher Walken

 

I can't believe I'm doing this...


What's the definition of 're-entry'?

Doing your mom.

 

A man goes into a bar and approaches a woman sitting by herself :
Man: May I buy you a cocktail?"
Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Woman: "No, they spread."

 

Bobbit jokes.

Everyone knows about the infamous Lorena Bobbit chopping her husbands dick off with a carving knife while he slept. A lot of people don't know what happened shortly after.

Having given him the big snip she put the amputated member in her handbag, left the house and drove off in her car. Shortly after a cop car started tailing her because of her erratic driving. It suddenly occurs to Lorena that she should really get rid of the prime piece of evidence. So digging it out her handbag she opens the window and heaves it back behind her car.

Splat!!! It lands in the middle of the cop car windscreen. After a quick examination one of the cops turns to the other and says

"Goddammmmm!!!! Would you look at the size of the dick on that fly!!!"



At the crime scenes they used to mark out the position of the body and/or parts.

Well.... I feel sorry for the poor bastard who had to outline the severed pecker.

To this day he's known as Dick Tracy!


Somewhat behind the times, but I just heard them and had to share.

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

 

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal is unpleasant."

And Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

 

So there were these three men taking a road trip around some place, when they decide to camp out for the night. Then, they hear this roar of engines coming close to them. They turned, stopped and stared, for there was this very beautiful woman on a Harley strapped out in leather. However, they were mostly staring at the rather large machete she held raised in one hand.

"All of you, line up," she told them in her dark, sultry voice. "I own this highway, and I have rules for men like you. Your dicks must measure up to exactly one metre, or I will slice them up and bury you in the sand, and you will wish that you had never driven on this highway."

So the men dropped their pants and let her measure it up against her machete blade, which coincidentally measured one metre.

The first one's was exactly 50 centimetres long.
The second's was exactly 49 cenirmetres long.
The third's? Exactly one centimetre.

So the woman was satisified and drove away, never to be heard of again.

The third man turned to the other two and said, "Boy, aren't we lucky I had an erection!"

 

why its not easy being a dick

you have one eye you can not see with. A head you can not think with. You hang out with a couple of nuts.your closest neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a pussy.

 

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably

had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle and she asked if I'd ever had a

Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

'Mom, you still awake?'

 

A man walks into an elevator with a woman in it.

After a moment, the man turns to the woman and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, but could I smell your feet?"

The woman quickly, and vehemently, replied with a curt "NO!"

The man then said, "Oh, it must be your pussy then."

 

A man is standing in an elevator.

A blonde walks in, and says, "Wow, T-G-I-F, huh?"

The man looks at her and says, "S-H-I-T."

She replies, a little flustered, "T-G-I-F; thank God it's Friday!"

He replies, calmly, "S-H-I-T; sorry honey, it's Thursday."

 

The Queen of England was having the King of Spain as a visitor to the country. They were having a small parade through the streets, riding in a horse-drawn carriage, when suddenly one of the horses closest to the carriage let loose a... cloud of gas... with a rather large explosion... which led to a foul smell.

Nothing was said for a while. Soon, the Queen lent over to the King, touched his knee and said, "My apologies for the misconduct."

The King touched her on the knee and replied, "My apologies, I thought it was the horse!"

True story!