who needs a laugh

A man was on vacation in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief and he could hardly stand for the pain.

So he goes along to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looks at his sunburnt legs and says, "well, you realize that this is only a small village surgery and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try this," and gives him one tablet of Viagra.

So the man says "but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going
to do?

The doctor says, "basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight."

 

And just as a bonus, here's a quick reference guide to boobies...



. . Itty bitty titties


()() Little breasts


(.)(.) Nice breasts


(o)(o) Perfect breasts


(D)(D) Bullets


(O)(O) Handful breasts


(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts


\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts


[o][o] Breasts during a mammogram


* % * Flat chest


(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts


(*)(*) High nipple breasts


(@)(@) Big nipple breasts


oo A cups


{O}{O} D cups


(^)*(^) Cold breasts


(>)(>) Perky breasts


(o)*(O) Lopsided breasts

 

Ok this could win the bad taste of the year award, so those with "morals" may not like, everyone else.... enjoy.
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Proof of just how busy Santa is, can be found in looking at a big part of asia...

He was only able to give them a wave as he went past.


*~spelling edit~

 

These were just sent to me by a friend. As always read at your own offence...
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.What's the least popular detergent in Indonesia?
Tide.

Aren't the beachfront cities in Thailand without power?
No, there's plenty of current running through the towns.

What did the photographer say, when about to photograph a group of tourists?
"WAVE!"

New name for the island of Phuket: Phuked.

This week is Indonesian hygiene week. Thousands will be washing up on the beach.

Why are so many sharks stricken with diarrhea?
They've been eating Thai food all week.

Police have just released some of the names of the Thai people killed on this terrible disaster.
They were: Way Ding, Sin King, Drow Ning, Lef Too Dy, Fuk Its Hi & his brother Ti Dis Hi.

Holidayers are flocking to Thailand apparently
The beaches are awash with tourists

"Two sharks having a conversation"

1st shark. Do you fancy a takeaway tonight?
2nd shark. Okay, shall we have Thai or Indian!

What did the thai mother tell her son beore the wave hit?
Don't forget to feed the fish

What does a shark call a survivor in a life vest?
A bobber

What do you do when you see an indonesian?
wave

Why are people glad the wave didn't wash over NZ?
NZ'ers woulda left a ring

A survivor was rousted from the beach after he was spotted having sex with a corpse that washed up on shore. The cop said "my god man, do you realize you're having sex with a corpse?
he replied "Oh shit, I just thought she was an american"


News from South Africa:

The RipCurl 500 surfing competition was won in controversial circumstances today by an Indonesian man on a wardrobe!

 

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow" comments the midget "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

 

Your reign of joke terror stops here mrnobodie. Try this on for size.*ahem*

Why don't you take showers with Poke'mon?
Because they might Pikachu.

 

A mexican and a black man are riding in a car. Who's driving?
















The cops!

 

Three brothers are sitting in a bar. Nearby sits and older, drunken man. The older man turns to one brother and says "I fucked your mom!". The young man ignores him. After a while, he turns to another brother and says "I fucked your mom!" but provoking no reaction. After a couple of minutes he turns to another of the brotherts and says the same thing. The young man turns arround: "Shut up, dad."

 

Three vampires are at a bar. The first vampire tells the bartender," I'll have a shot of blood. The second vampire decides to order the same drink. The third says," Hey bartender, I'll just take a cup of hot water," and takes out a used tampon from his pocket.
"Whats that for?" ask the first two vampires.
Third replies,"Just felt like a cup of hot tea."

 

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow" comments the midget "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

 

Haha! That's a good one!

 

Why do women like hunters?
Three reasons:
They go deep into the bush.
They always shoot twice.
And they always eat what they shoot.

God has just spent six days creating the Heveans and the earth, and since it's the seventh day of rest, he and Gabriel are sitting back and admiring his handiwork.
"You knw, God," says Gabriel, "you have done one hell of a job -excuse my language. Those snowy peaks are unbelievably majestic, and the woods, with those little sunny dells and meadows... masterful. Not to mention the oceans: those fantastic coral reefs and all the sea creatures and the waves crashing on the beaches. And all the animals - from the fleas to the elephants - what a job. Not to mention the heaves; how could I leave them out? What a touch, that milky way." God beams.
"I just ahve the smallest suggestion, if you'll excuse my presumption," says Gabriel. "You know those sample humans you put down there in the Garden of Eden?" God nods, a frown furrowing his brow.
"Well," says Gabriel, "I was just wondering wehther, for all the obvious reasons, they shouldn't have differing sets of genitalia as all the other animals do?" God reflects on this for a minute, and then a smile crosses his face. "You're right," he exclaims. "Give the dumb one a cunt!"

 

A young boy was sitting on his front steps eating candy. A man walked up to him and said "You shouldn't eat candy, it's bad for your health." The boy replied "Well, my grandfather lived to be 100." The man asked "Did your grandfather eat candy?" The boy answered "No, he knew how to mind his own fucking business."

 

There was great excitement in the laboratory when the eminent scientist announced a new invention -the apple. That was nothing new, his colleagues pointed out; the apple had been around for a long time.
"Yes, but this apple tastes like puss," proudly exclaimed the scientist. "Try it." A skeptical fellow took one big bite, only to spit it out all over the floor. "It tastes like shit," he said disgustedly.
"Indeed," said the scientist. "Turn it around."

How do you tell when your roommate's gay?
When his cock tastes like shit.

Did you hear about the queer burglar? He couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

Why do Gay men have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

what's the defininition of analingus?
tongue-in-cheek.

Why was the homosexual fired from his job at the sperm back?
For drinking on the job.

There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven pound baby boy. They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of thier son, standing with thier noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
Sure enough, when the gays asked to see thier son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.
"Gee," said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?"
"Oh he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass."

 

There are 2 guys fucking in one of the upper storeys of a large building when it catches fire. Who escapes first, the bitch or the butch?

The butch, because his shit is packed.

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says,"why the long face."

 

A priest walks into a bar. The priest says,"Ow."

 

What's the difference between oranges?






Sweatshirts, 'cause motorcycles don't have doors!