who needs a laugh

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by mrnobodie, Dec 15, 2001.

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  1. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    A man was on vacation in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief and he could hardly stand for the pain.

    So he goes along to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looks at his sunburnt legs and says, "well, you realize that this is only a small village surgery and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try this," and gives him one tablet of Viagra.

    So the man says "but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going
    to do?

    The doctor says, "basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight."
     
  2. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    And just as a bonus, here's a quick reference guide to boobies...



    . . Itty bitty titties


    ()() Little breasts


    (.)(.) Nice breasts


    (o)(o) Perfect breasts


    (D)(D) Bullets


    (O)(O) Handful breasts


    (~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts


    \o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts


    [o][o] Breasts during a mammogram


    * % * Flat chest


    (+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts


    (*)(*) High nipple breasts


    (@)(@) Big nipple breasts


    oo A cups


    {O}{O} D cups


    (^)*(^) Cold breasts


    (>)(>) Perky breasts


    (o)*(O) Lopsided breasts
     
  3. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    Ok this could win the bad taste of the year award, so those with "morals" may not like, everyone else.... enjoy.
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    Proof of just how busy Santa is, can be found in looking at a big part of asia...

    He was only able to give them a wave as he went past.


    *~spelling edit~
     
  4. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    These were just sent to me by a friend. As always read at your own offence...
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    .What's the least popular detergent in Indonesia?
    Tide.

    Aren't the beachfront cities in Thailand without power?
    No, there's plenty of current running through the towns.

    What did the photographer say, when about to photograph a group of tourists?
    "WAVE!"

    New name for the island of Phuket: Phuked.

    This week is Indonesian hygiene week. Thousands will be washing up on the beach.

    Why are so many sharks stricken with diarrhea?
    They've been eating Thai food all week.

    Police have just released some of the names of the Thai people killed on this terrible disaster.
    They were: Way Ding, Sin King, Drow Ning, Lef Too Dy, Fuk Its Hi & his brother Ti Dis Hi.

    Holidayers are flocking to Thailand apparently
    The beaches are awash with tourists

    "Two sharks having a conversation"

    1st shark. Do you fancy a takeaway tonight?
    2nd shark. Okay, shall we have Thai or Indian!

    What did the thai mother tell her son beore the wave hit?
    Don't forget to feed the fish

    What does a shark call a survivor in a life vest?
    A bobber

    What do you do when you see an indonesian?
    wave

    Why are people glad the wave didn't wash over NZ?
    NZ'ers woulda left a ring

    A survivor was rousted from the beach after he was spotted having sex with a corpse that washed up on shore. The cop said "my god man, do you realize you're having sex with a corpse?
    he replied "Oh shit, I just thought she was an american"


    News from South Africa:

    The RipCurl 500 surfing competition was won in controversial circumstances today by an Indonesian man on a wardrobe!
     
  5. mrnobodie

    mrnobodie New Member

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    A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
    "Wow" comments the midget "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
    Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
    "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
    Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
    The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
     
  6. JustaFishInaJar

    JustaFishInaJar New Member

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    Your reign of joke terror stops here mrnobodie. Try this on for size.*ahem*

    Why don't you take showers with Poke'mon?
    Because they might Pikachu.
     
  7. Snowmane

    Snowmane New Member

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    A mexican and a black man are riding in a car. Who's driving?
















    The cops!
     
  8. DEATH AT THE DOOR

    DEATH AT THE DOOR New Member

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    Three brothers are sitting in a bar. Nearby sits and older, drunken man. The older man turns to one brother and says "I fucked your mom!". The young man ignores him. After a while, he turns to another brother and says "I fucked your mom!" but provoking no reaction. After a couple of minutes he turns to another of the brotherts and says the same thing. The young man turns arround: "Shut up, dad."
     
  9. JustaFishInaJar

    JustaFishInaJar New Member

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    Three vampires are at a bar. The first vampire tells the bartender," I'll have a shot of blood. The second vampire decides to order the same drink. The third says," Hey bartender, I'll just take a cup of hot water," and takes out a used tampon from his pocket.
    "Whats that for?" ask the first two vampires.
    Third replies,"Just felt like a cup of hot tea."
     
  10. Anonymous

    Anonymous Guest

    A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget.
    Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
    "Wow" comments the midget "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
    Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
    "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
    Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
    The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
     
  11. Xz

    Xz Monkey Admin Staff Member

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    You do realize that joke is just about 5-6 posts up on this page right?



    Man Falls Asleep At Church...

    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
    local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
    husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
    embarrassing. What should I do?"

    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
    I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
    motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
    good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
    this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
    ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
    hatpin.

    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
    Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
    your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
    Mrs. Jones.

    "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
    Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
    notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
    motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
    husband with the hatpin again.

    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
    him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
    goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
    and shove it up your ass!"

    "Amen," replied the congregation.
     
  12. DEATH AT THE DOOR

    DEATH AT THE DOOR New Member

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  13. DarkFool

    DarkFool Nemesis of the Ancients

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    Why do women like hunters?
    Three reasons:
    They go deep into the bush.
    They always shoot twice.
    And they always eat what they shoot.

    God has just spent six days creating the Heveans and the earth, and since it's the seventh day of rest, he and Gabriel are sitting back and admiring his handiwork.
    "You knw, God," says Gabriel, "you have done one hell of a job -excuse my language. Those snowy peaks are unbelievably majestic, and the woods, with those little sunny dells and meadows... masterful. Not to mention the oceans: those fantastic coral reefs and all the sea creatures and the waves crashing on the beaches. And all the animals - from the fleas to the elephants - what a job. Not to mention the heaves; how could I leave them out? What a touch, that milky way." God beams.
    "I just ahve the smallest suggestion, if you'll excuse my presumption," says Gabriel. "You know those sample humans you put down there in the Garden of Eden?" God nods, a frown furrowing his brow.
    "Well," says Gabriel, "I was just wondering wehther, for all the obvious reasons, they shouldn't have differing sets of genitalia as all the other animals do?" God reflects on this for a minute, and then a smile crosses his face. "You're right," he exclaims. "Give the dumb one a cunt!"
     
  14. Dark Elf

    Dark Elf Administrator Staff Member

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    Jinxed and Jarinor once crashed their aeroplane in the African jungle. They were fortunate enough to be unhurt, but several miles away from civilisation and had no choice but to walk to get there. After an hour or so of walking, they heard this strange sound behind them, and when they looked back, they saw an entire tribe of natives running to get them. They tried to run away, of course, but the tribesmen were catching up on them. Jinxed thought "Damn, I can't escape them... I'll kick down Jar and let them have him, so I might be able to escape". So Jinxed kicked Jarinor to the ground, and climbed up a tree.
    The tribesmen, all 30 of them, had not seen a woman in several years, so you can imagine what a relief Jarinor was for them.
    Eventually, the tribe was satisfied, and Jinxed climbed down the tree he had been hiding in. Jarinor was standing broad-legged, staring angrily at him, saying: "If you do that again I'll fucking kill you!"
    "I promise, it will never happen again", Jinxed said.
    So they kept on walking (Jarinor a bit slower than before), but after about an hour they heard that strange sound again, and when they looked back, they saw the tribe chasing them again.
    They tried to flee again, but the tribe was of course faster. Jinxed thought
    "I know I promised Jar but... but I don't want to be down here when they catch up with us!"
    So Jinxed kicked Jarinor to the ground again and climbed up a tree. Jarinor was yet again caught by the tribesmen, and the horrible scene repeated itself.
    Finally, the tribesmen finished, and Jinxed climbed down from his tree. Jarinor could barely stand up, and looked at Jinxed with mad eyes:
    "When we get back to town... I'll fucking kill you!"
    Jar refused to follow Jinxed anymore, but being extraordinarily diplomatic, Jinxed managed to sort it out, so they went on.
    After an hour however, the tribe came running after them yet again. Jarinor thought "Fucking bastard, I'll get back at him!"
    So Jarinor kicked Jinxed down, and climbed up a tree, grinning with revenge.
    The tribe came up to Jinxed. They looked at him for a while, then the chief said "Aw, come on guys, let's take the guy in the tree this time"
     
  15. rosenshyne

    rosenshyne New Member

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    A young boy was sitting on his front steps eating candy. A man walked up to him and said "You shouldn't eat candy, it's bad for your health." The boy replied "Well, my grandfather lived to be 100." The man asked "Did your grandfather eat candy?" The boy answered "No, he knew how to mind his own fucking business."
     
  16. DarkFool

    DarkFool Nemesis of the Ancients

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    There was great excitement in the laboratory when the eminent scientist announced a new invention -the apple. That was nothing new, his colleagues pointed out; the apple had been around for a long time.
    "Yes, but this apple tastes like puss," proudly exclaimed the scientist. "Try it." A skeptical fellow took one big bite, only to spit it out all over the floor. "It tastes like shit," he said disgustedly.
    "Indeed," said the scientist. "Turn it around."

    How do you tell when your roommate's gay?
    When his cock tastes like shit.

    Did you hear about the queer burglar? He couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

    Why do Gay men have mustaches?
    To hide the stretch marks.

    what's the defininition of analingus?
    tongue-in-cheek.

    Why was the homosexual fired from his job at the sperm back?
    For drinking on the job.

    There are these two gay guys who decide they want to have a baby. So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to a seven pound baby boy. They rush to the hospital for the first viewing of thier son, standing with thier noses pressed against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon row of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
    Sure enough, when the gays asked to see thier son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle.
    "Gee," said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?"
    "Oh he's quiet now," said the nurse, "but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass."
     
  17. Chunky944

    Chunky944 New Member

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    There are 2 guys fucking in one of the upper storeys of a large building when it catches fire. Who escapes first, the bitch or the butch?

    The butch, because his shit is packed.
     
  18. JustaFishInaJar

    JustaFishInaJar New Member

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    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says,"why the long face."
     
  19. JustaFishInaJar

    JustaFishInaJar New Member

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  20. Naked_Lunch

    Naked_Lunch New Member

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    What's the difference between oranges?






    Sweatshirts, 'cause motorcycles don't have doors!
     
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