who needs a laugh

i thought a laugh was in order so here's a joke a friend sent me a couple of days ago, oh and if you add any (and i hope you do) try and keep them moderatly clean there may be young'uns about :wink:

A man walked to a bar and headed straight to the bartender:
"A double whisky!". The bartender gave the man a double whisky and the man poured it down his throat, wiped his mouth and said "Damn, he was a good at parking! Bartender, give me another!"

The bartender gave that fellow another double whisky and the guy poured that one down his throat, wiped his mouth and said "Damn, he was a good at parking! Bartender, give me another!"

The bartender became a bit curious, but gave the man the whisky he ordered.

And again the man poured the whisky straight down his throat, wiped his mouth and said "Damn, he was a good at parking! Bartender, give me another!"

Now the bartender couldn't resist anymore and asked what was wrong and poured the man another double whisky.

The man was a bit restless and began telling "I was there down the road trying to park my 18 wheeler truck. It was a tight spot and I had a bit difficulties in getting it right. As I was trying to get my truck in the proper space, I blocked first one lane of the road and then a little later another lane. So the road was completely blocked. The man in a minivan behind my truck began to honk his horn, which made even more nervous and my parking became even more difficult...

Then that driver began showing me his middle finger, which I of course responded. Finally that minivan driver lost his temper and came to my truck, pulled the door open and yelled "How in the world have you ever gotten a licence to drive a big truck, when you cant even park it right!!!"

Well, I became angry myself and replied "If you think you are that good at parking a big truck, why don't you come and try for yourself. If you manage to park this truck with one try, I'll give you a blowjob!""

After telling that story, the man poured a whisky down his throat, wiped his mouth and said "Damn, he was good at parking..."

 

Haha, good one. It wasn't all that "clean", though, now was it? :wink: Here's another "not so clean" one:

This guy, tired of his corporate everyday life, decides to go to work in Alaska on the fishing boats.

On one of his week-long furloughs, he goes down to the bar to let off some steam. As he sits there drinking his beer, he notices that there aren't anyone women around.

"Hey, bartender. Where are all the women at?" he asked.

"They all left," the bartender answered. "They said something about us all smelling like fish or something..."

"Huh, we smell like fish... If there's no women around, then what do you guys do for fun around here?" he asked.

"Well... Go out the door there and you'll notice a little path that leads around back. It'll lead you up the hill a little ways, and there you'll find a barrel. Just unzip it, and stick it in the knothole. Enjoy."

After finishing his beer, the guy takes the bartenders advice. About half an hour later, he strolls back into the bar and plops down on his stool.

"So what did you think?" the bartender asked.

"It was great! Best feeling I've had in looong time. Thanks."

"So you liked it, then? Good, I'm glad." said the bartender as he poured him another beer.

"I liked it? Hell no, I loved it! I'm going there everyday!" said the guy, taking his beer from the bartender.

"Well... not on Thursday."

"Huh? Why not Thursday?" the man asked.

"Because that's your day in the barrel."

_________________

Voted "World's Scariest Pervert, 2001" by Sheriff Fatman


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Milo on 2001-12-15 12:00 ]</font>

 

ohhhhhh milo man that's bad, no really bad, funny as all hell but really bad. :lol:
here's a clean one, it's an oldie but a goodie

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you
are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have
2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have
used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts
for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend
2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days
per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year,
so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only
1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are
going to take that day off

 

:lol: LOL :lol: LOL :lol:

 

A guy is driving cross-country. In a small town, he stops at a bar for a beer. Inside, the bar is empty except for the barman, behind the bar, and a gorilla, sitting on one of the customer stools and nursing a beer.
The guy sits down at the bar and orders a beer. As he sips it, he can't help but ask the bartender, "Why is there a gorilla sitting at the end of the bar?"
"Well", says the bartender, "that gorilla comes in handy on slow days. Watch this."
With that the bartender pulls a cricket bat from behind the bar, walks over to the gorilla, and smacks it over the head as hard as he can with the bat.
The gorilla falls to the floor, then regains its feet, lumbers behind the bar, and performs fellatio on the barman.
When the barman is finished, he pushes the gorilla away. The gorilla returns to its stool and drinks some beer. The barman walks back to the stranger.
"So, what do you think of that?"
"That's amazing!" says the stranger.
"Yep." says the bartender. "Hey, you wanna give it a try?"
"Well, okay", says the stranger. "But don't hit me as hard as you did the gorilla."

 

pretty funny...

 

I like the one about parking but the one about day off is the best so far. Here's mine:

1. There is this guy who has his life totally screwed, his wife doesn't love him and cheats on him all the time, his kids don't respect him, he has no succsess at work and no friends whatsoever. One day he decides to go hang himself ina nearby forest. When he's about to do so a frog appears and asks him what's wrong. He tells his story and the frog says that it's change his life if only he doesn't kill himself.

OK, he wasn't really brave enough to kill himself so he goes back home and suddenly he sees that his kids love him, his wife prepared dinner and she looks great herself. Next day at work he got promotion and a couple of his fellow workers asked him to go to pub with them.

After all that he ran to the forest to thank the frog and asked her if there is anything he could do for her. "Fuck me" she said. Well OK but you're so small and I could hurt you. Tell you what - said the frog - since my powers are limited when it comes to using them on my person I can't change into a supermodel but a 12year old at most, that OK with you? No problem - the man said - and did his part of the bargain.

And that's the truth your honor, not what that little bitch claims.

 

ok that was SICK! :akimbo:

By the way did you know that 35% of all gay men say they were born that way? (the other 65% claim to have been sucked into it.)
:thinkof:

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Eros Rex on 2001-12-16 02:27 ]</font>

 

Which one?

 

Umm.. the adults excuse for screwing the 12 year old

 

Does your comment about gays also refer to this joke? If so then I don't see why you mention it since the 12 year old was a girl.


Oh, and you should listen to some really SICK jokes someday. This is an avarage.

 

Okay, here's one that only mrnobodie will understand (and has probably heard). This is a pretty racist joke...

There was this truck driver, and he loved to run over abbo's. Every time he saw one, he'd go out of his way to hit them.

One day, he's driving along, and sees a priest hitching a ride. Being that he didn't want to spurn the priest, he pulls over and thinks to himself "Right, no running over abbos while the priest is in the truck." The priest gets in, and they make small talk for a little while. After some time, the truckie sees an abbo. He aims to hit it, but realises what he's doing at the last second, and pulls out of the way.

Once he's recovered, he says to the priest "I'm sorry Father, I don't know what came over me." The priest says "It's okay son, I got him with my door."

 

I think I have the sickest joke (the thread seems to be turning in this direction):

A man is leading a little boy into the woods.
Boy: "Mister, I'm scared."
Man: "Shut up. I'm the one who has to walk back all alone."

 

ok now here's some nice clean one's

Two guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, he saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. The other guy said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen." The first guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"



Man walks into the Doctors office.

"I have the results of your test and
I'm afraid your going to die"
Says the Doctor.

The Man asks "How long do I have to live"

"Ten" replies the Doctor.

"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks.
"Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine"..."Eight"

 

good one...
actually both are funny!

 

Eros, what's the matter with gay people? Or was that just an irrelevant comment that didn't make any sense?
:thinkof:

Well, I've got a couple.

1. So George Dubya and Bill Clinton go into a barbershop to get a shave. Once the barber's finished them both, he asks them "Ok, I have some cheap aftershave and some expensive aftershave... which one do you want?" Clinton says, "Well gee, I'll get the expensive one. I don't want my wife to think I've been to the whorehouse again." At this point, Bush turns to the barber and says "I'll take the cheap one, because my wife doesn't know what a whore house smells like."
oooooh hillary's gonna kill me for that one...

2. You know those "Run Hillary Run" bumper stickers from her senate campaign? Have you noticed how Republicans put them on the front bumper?

3. So Dubya, Picasso, and Einstein all die. Due to a freak accident in the space/time contiuum though, they all appear at the Pearly Gates at the same time.
Saint Peter looks at them and says, "Gentlemen, the road to Heaven lies behind these gates. Now, I've seen a lot of impersonators of you all, so I'm gonna have to ask for proof of who you are."
So Einstein asks for a chalkboard and proceeds to write complex mathematical formulae all over it for about a half an hour. FInally, St. Peter stops him. "All right, Einstein, you can go in. Next?"
At this point, Picasso goes up. He picks up the chalk and proceeds to draw a magnificent mural of dancing nudes, capturing their essence in a few simple lines. "All right, Picasso, go on in." says St. Peter.
Now, Dubya's looking a little confused at this point. He walks up to St. Peter and asks, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
"All right, Dubya, go on in."

3. It's just after reccess in a 1st grade classroom. The teacher asks all the students what they did for reccess. Little Sally stands up and says, "I played in the sandbox!"
The teacher says, "Very good little Sally, if you can write "sand" on the board, then you can have a fresh baked cookie." So little Sally does and she gets a cookie.
Now little Billy stands up. "I played in the sandbox with little Sally!" he proudly declares.
"Very good, little Billy, if you can write the word "box" on the board, then you can have a cookie."
So he does, and gets a cookie.
Now little Ahmed stands up.
"Little Sally and Little Billy spent the whole reccess throwing rocks at me and calling me a terrorist!" he says.
"Well, gosh, little Ahmed," says the teacher, "that's blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, then you can have a cookie..."

i like jokes!

 

how bout some more gay stats?

25% of all humans are gay or bisexual.
96% of all child molesters are straight.
5% of all adults have never had a gay experience or desire.
55% of all gay or bisexual adults are closeted
82% of all homophobes come from the Midwest or the South
85.8% of all teenagers have suspected they were gay or bisexual at one time or another.

just so yall know.
:nod: :nod: :nod:

 

whore house.... good one Etalis, now here's one for the "older" members, is this what's in store for the clan goat members perhaps ?

On hearing that her elderly grandfather
had just passed away, Katie went straight to her
grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked
how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that
two people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,
we figured out the best time to do it was when
the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear
and then continued. "And if that damned ice
cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

 

Hey I like gay people! Some of my best friends are Gay as a mater of fact. (no wait the're straight I'm the one that's gay! DOH!)

Anywho I was only talking about the 12 year old pedo joke. All the gay ones I've heard so far have been funny. (except the little boy in the woods one. It was funny but in a very sad way.)

mrnobodie you are TOO funny I loved both of those jokes!!! Feldon you got some comp here!

So what do you call two brunettes and a blonde standing on a street corner?

"regular price, 4 bucks, 4 bucks"

What is the mating call of a blonde?

"Oh my God I am SOOOO Drunk!"

What is the mating call of a Fat blonde?

"I SAID I AM SOOOO DRUNK!!!"

 

lol!
i got one:
one pedophil walking into a pedo-party with a 8 year-old girl...
everybody is staring at him,one of the guys walking over to him saying:
"are you crazy dude?! an eight year old?!?!"
the guy:
"i know...i know...but in bed she's like a four!"