I demand that my offspring be giants.

An absolute necessity in the field of evil masterminding is the ability to plan ahead. While recklessness and mayhem certainly have their uses, they can only serve any real purpose if their execution is carefully considered and part of a greater plan. In other words, instigate a riot, but only if you can be sure that it fools your nemesis to be trapped in that overly complicated annihilation device you so cunningly built to include an obvious escape route through which said nemesis could easily escape (remember that adherence to convention is non-negotiable in this trade!).

But, let's assume that you finally get to reap the fruits of your labour, and rise to glory as the undisputed Lord and Master of the entire planet. Then what? Ruling conquered nations with an iron fist certainly has its charms, but once the interstellar death ray has duly crushed that umpteenth rebellion in some far-off dominion, the endeavour tends to become one of tedium and boredom.

Furthermore, there is always the question of passing the torch. Aspiring for eternal life is, of course, an admirable trait in any would-be tyrant, but there are instances when one shouldn't trust technology to do the trick. Someone has to do the job once you're out of the scene, and what could be better than heirs of your own twisted bloodline?

Several considerations have to be made. After all, if all goes well, one of them will rule the world one day. Yes, most of them will be assassinated by their siblings as to streamline the succession. Yes, the winner will most likely gain their position through patricide. That's a given, but you can't just let any lowlife ruffian stab you in the back, can you? Your pride and vanity demands as much. You want your spawn to be imposing creatures, having that natural aura of power around them as to instill the proper amount of fear and respect in their underlings. It is of import that you take every precaution to achieve this.

In short, you need to find the perfect genetic material in which to host your progeny.

I have therefore decided that my children be giants:

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Telcontar, you have a kidnapping to do.

 

The woman in the OP is closer to Telcontar's present location though. Not to forget the fact that he could easily fool her to inhale the chloroform using his dazzling Strine. No such luck with the kraut ladies.

 

This will obviously be the death of us all, of course I'm biased as he's threatening to hang me. I declare that Dark Elf must be assassinated before he can copulate with the giants.

 

In the unlikely event that my member should fail to suffice, I figure I'll just take a few druid levels, polymorph to a horse, attend to business and then quickly revert to my human form at the point of climax.

Problem solved.

 

Pics?