who needs a laugh

This thread needs reviving again and since mrnobodie isn't showing up to do so, I'm attempting to revive it.


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimers research. This means that by the year 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with t



An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. "Tray-up bitch."





Men's Rules for Women

1)  Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.

2)  Sometimes, we are not thinking about you.  Live with it.

3)  Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss things you really don't want to talk about.

4)  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.

5)  Ask for what you want.  Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work.  Strong hints do not work.  Obvious hints do not work.  Just saying it works.

6)  We don't remember dates.  Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.  Remind us frequently.

7)  Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops.  What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

8)  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

9)  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

10)  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

11)  If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12)  If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

13)  Let us ogle.  We're going to look anyway.  It's nothing personal.

14)  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both.  If you already know how best to do it, just do it yourself.

15)  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16)  The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.  That's just a fact of life.

17)  ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

18)  If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we're going to assume that nothing's wrong.

 

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've got a broken index finger."




Billy Bob and his brother Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Daisy Mae got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Daisy Mae got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Daisy Mae didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking her with me."

 

This is a transcript of a radio conversation of a naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland on October 1995.  The conversation was released by the chief of naval operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: NO I say again divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH.  THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

 

Yeah, that's been done so many times now it's not funny anymore.

 

Okay, a few jokes about women...

Q. What's the only thing a woman is allowed to wear out?

A. The carpet between the bedroom and kitchen.

Q. Why do women have small feet?

A. So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q. Why do brides wear white wedding gowns?

A. To match the other appliances.

 

the first one doesnt really make sense...

before you go telling people whats funny or not funny may be you should take a look at what you yourself are posting. tsk tsk tsk :razz:

 

After Jane met Tarzan she was curious as to how he manages without sex in the jungle. She asked him but he said "Tarzan not know sex". So Jane described to him what it is. "Oh, Tarzan uses tree holes for that". Jane wanted to have some fun with the savage so she told him that he's doing it wrong and described to him how it should be done. Then she undressed lied down, spread her legs and told him to have sex with her. Tarzan removed leather band from around his hips. Then he started to walk towards Jane and she looked with lust in her eyes at his penis in full erection. When he was close to her she said "put it in here". Tarzan smiled and... brutally kicked her in the groin. The pain was terrible and only after a while Jane managed to get a gasp of air. "Why on earth did you do that?!" she cried. His reply was "Tarzan checked for bees."

 

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

 

Been a while since I've posted in this beast of a thread. Here's a coupla rib-ticklers.

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society.

"In fact" he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish
coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."




One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in

despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down

here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.

Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink

till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the

world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're

already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,

poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of

crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all

the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never

realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"




A man was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

Now, this man isn't the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, he didn't know what to do, so he answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, the man is thinking this is too bizarre so he says: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point he is just trying to get out as fast as he can when he hears another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

Ok, this question is just wacky but the guy figured he could just be polite and end the conversation.

He told the man in the next stall, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then he hears the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"



Hey, how do you give a hillbilly a vasectomy?

Kick his sister in the mouth.



Hey, ga'night folks! You've been great!

 

This place is really making me laugh, anyway here is mine:

2 people were travelling on a plane when the plane crashed. They found themselves on an island.

Immediately a group of native people walked up to them and threatened them what they were doing here. They explained but the natives wouldnt listen, and wanted to kill them. The natives said only if they bring them food on the island, they would not only let them go, but also who ever get the biggest food would be awared more.

The 2 people set off. The first guy searched around and found some bananas and couldnt find anymore so he decide to head back. The natives took what he found and shovelled up the first guy's ass. The first guy asked why do they do that for, the natives said it was tradition.

As the first guy were still comforting his pain, the second carried a bunch of watermelons towards them...

 

An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind
of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

 

Ways to annoy a Yankee (This is mainly for retard)
Edit: This is supposed to be funny, not offensive.



* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.

* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

* When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

* Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)

* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."

* Put Tabasco on everything.

* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

* When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.

* Name all of your children "Bubba."

* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

* "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.

* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..

* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

* Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.

 

Things never said by southerners......

Oh i just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Micheal.
Come to think of it, i'll have a hieneken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn's trimmer?.
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrassin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to greenpeace?.
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?.
We don't need another dog.
Who's Richard Petty.
Give me the small bag of pork rind's.
Too many deer head's detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
Trim the fat off that steak.
The tire's are too big on that truck.
I've got it all on the C: drive.
Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?.
Little debbie snack cakes have too many gram's of fat.
Checkmate.
Does the salad bar have baby snow pea's?.
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" i haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe these green beans were cooked too long.
Nope, no more for me, i'm driving.


Who's shellfish now?..... bitch.