who needs a laugh

Clothos, thank you for posting that joke. I haven't heard that one in years, and I started to laugh as soon as I read "bangity bangity bang" because, even though I couldn't remember the punch line, I did remember I laughed my ass off the first time I heard it.

Now, a joke.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?



Doughnuts.

My mother, of all people told me this one.

 

When a reporter asked Bush what he thought about his first hundred days in office he replied "Has it been a year already?

*

The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

*

What do golf and Florida elections have in common? Low score wins.

*

One day Dubya decides he wants to learn to sky dive so he talks to Cheney who has done it before. Cheney agrees to teach him how so they go up in Airforce One somewhere over Texas and Cheney says to Dubya "Jump out and pull your rip cord. I'll be right behind you and we'll go down together OK?" Bush jumps out and pulls his ripcord and starts floating down. Cheney jumps out and immediately has a heart attack and flies past Dubya. Bush sees Cheney streaking past and unfastens his parachute, while shouting "So, ya wanna race, huh?"

*

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blond thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

*

3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten. The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick. The second shark says: That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk. The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!

*

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says FOR 3-5 YEAR OLDS!"

*

George W. Bush is visiting yet another elementary school. He asks the children to give him an example of a tragedy. A little girl raises her hand and says that if her best friend was walking down the street and was hit by a car and killed that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be an accident." A little boy raises his hand and says that if his entire class was on a bus for a field trip and the bus was hit by a train and everyone was killed, that would be a tragedy. Dubya says "No, that would be a great loss." Way in the back of the class Little Johnny raises his hand and Dubya calls on him. "Can you tell me what an example of a tragedy would be, Johnny?" Johnny says, "If you and Mrs. Bush were on Air Force One and were fired on by a missile and blown up, that would be a tragedy." Dubya says, "Very good. Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't a great loss!"


*

Three brothers Neil, Jeb and Bush, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Jeb, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Bush yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Neil.

Dub lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."

*

Cheney gets a call from his "boss", Bush.

"I've got a problem," says Bush.

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.

"A big rooster," replies Bush.

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. Bush points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to Bush and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

*

A couple of years back, a Midland, Texas guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and goes to the door.

A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!". The guy says, "Dagnabit Georgie, it's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." He slams the door and goes back to bed.

And his wife says, "What was that all about?"

The guy says, "It was the Bush boy -- been a drinking again too -- big time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. George the Lesser was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, "Do you still need help?" Hey Georgie, do you still need a push?" Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push." The guy says, "Well where in tarnation are you boy?" The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!

*

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What箂 on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

*

The far right extremists of FreeRepublic.com, WSJ.com, Nazi.com, and KKK.com finally get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".

*

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass." Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

*

A first grade teacher is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. 揥ell, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."

*

George W. Bush, John Ashcroft, and Kathrine Harris go fishing on the lake by George W.'s ranch. While speeding across the lake they hit a tree trunk which cracks a hole in the bottom of the boat. The boat starts to sink so they look for life preservers and find only one. George W. Bush says: "I'm the President selected by the Supreme Court. The people need me to protect the nation from the new world order and the growth of the new economy and computers and such." John Ashcroft says: "I'm the Attorney General and as the nations' chief law enforcement officer I must live so that there will be no fear or panic in the streets, if you two shall die. And besides I have to outlaw abortion, affirmative action, campaign finance reform, environmental protection, and same sex marriages to save the moral fiber of this country." Finally, Kathryn Harris says: "I'm the Florida Secretary of State and the state Republican Chairwoman, and I must survive so that I can deliver the votes needed by all the Republican officials throughout the state, and disenfranchise those minorities who vote for Democrats, so that Republicans may continue to be elected even though more people vote for Democrats." And the three of them all agree that each has very good and moral arguments for the life preserver, so that they decide the only fair way to decide is by a vote. They cut up three squares of paper and vote by secret ballot. Then they open the ballots to tally them. The first ballot says "George W. Bush - one vote," the second ballot says "John Ashcroft - one vote", and the third ballot says "Kathryn Harris - 37 votes."

*

George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.
Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

*

A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer. Old man: "All you need to know about politics is that young Bush is a post turtle." Doctor: "Oh? What is a post turtle?" Old man: "When yer driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a post turtle. Ya know he didn't get there by himself, he don't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help take the poor thang down."

*

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "F**k off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

*

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am supposed to be the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."

 

alright heres a dirty one -
A burnette, redhead, and blond in 3rd grade are trying to decide who's boobs are the biggest. The blond says, 'mine are'

'mine are' the burnette argued

'mine' the readhead says

'no, MY boobs are the biggest. I'm 19.' said the blond, and concluded the argument

i havent heard it for a long time but i think thats how it goes

----------------------------------

A man is driving along, and he has to stop at a red light, when a blond lady knocks on his window.

She says, 'Mister, you're losing half your load.'

The light turns green and the man speeds away.

The blond catches up to him at the next red light.

She again says to the man, 'Mister, you're losing half your load.'

Once again, the light turns green and the man drives away.

At the next light, the blond came up to the window once again.

The blond, again, says 'Mister, you're losing half your load.'

This time the man replies, 'Lady, I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

----------------------------------------

Q. Why was the blond fired from the M & M factory?

A. She rejected the W's.

 

Ahh, blonde jokes are fun.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker under water.

Q: What happens when the brunettes and redheads leave Hollywood for a vaction?
A: The movie Legally Blonde was made.

Q: What happens when they take a second vacation?
A: Legally Blonde 2 was made.

While we're on the subject of Hollywood. . .
Q: What is the name of the sequel for The One?
A: The One Two

Okay, so the last one isn't good. In fact, none of them are good.

 

you're right Demo, those jokes do suck, suck harder then something that sucks hard......... bada bing.......... damn i'm funny.


A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"

 

GAWD mrnobodie, that wasn't funny..lol you were right..

But THIS one is the STUPIDEST of ALL!

An extremely fat lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.

The bartender looks at the lady and says, "Where'd you get the pig?"

The lady says, "It's not a pig, it's a duck."

The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

-------------------------------

Don't you agree?

 

Wouldn't it be better if it was phrased "The bartender looked UP, and said..."?

Here's one:

There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

 

Damn....hmm....here's a few more jokes...................


A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.
She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.

She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?

The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.

"Why not"? asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

-------------------------------------

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ...Aim!!

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ...Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

---------------------------------
I didn't think this one was funny but it seems we're having a 'Post jokes that are not funny but really stupid' contest..

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

I swear that blonde/brunette/redhead one was JUST posted...

 

It was done with presidents a little while back. I think it was Clinton/Bush/Reagan. Guess which yelled fire.

 

this guy has got to be in the running for the darwin awards.....

drunk dead dude

 

lol i would like to see the husbands face when she tells him she took it serously :lol:

 

When they figure out how to make an Artficial Intelligence that can reason out things like this, many problems will be solved.


Or will they?


Anyway, thanks for that, DU. It was quite interesting to read. :lol:

Here is a recorded phone conversation that actually happened;


"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."


The guy got fired for that.

 

well, bottom of the page huh? don't i feel loved....... ah, screw you guys, here's a little johny joke........


After finally putting up with little johny's shit for so long the teacher thought to herself "fuck this little smartarse, i'll give him something he can't resist then fuck him off for the rest of the day".
So she called little johny to the front of the classroom and told him, "If you can give me a sentence using the word i'm going to give you you'll get a prize".
"Cool", little johny thought, "how hard could this be".
"Allright", said the teacher, "Your word is, urinate".
Little johny stood there for a few seconds thinking when suddenly a beatific smile came across his face and he said...
"Urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be an eight and a half".


god i love that joke.

 

God dammit i had to gravedig this thread back to life. But since it has happened before i don't think that is such a problem.

ANYWAY. I was at something awful recently (just to see if they had reviewed some new hentai games, and i was bored) when i saw this disturbingly funny text here. I dunno if it is EVIL to kopy this text from something awful, if it is just remove it , if not keep coming with jokes. Good ones that is

Scene: The Oval Office, interior, day. GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States, Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces, Leader of the Free World, defender of Truth, Justice, and the American Way, sits behind his desk putting the finishing touches on a pair of rudimentary paper dolls attached to the ends of pencils. Upon completion, he holds the dolls at arms length, examining them. He then begins to tap them against one another, enacting a play of his own creation. There's something ironic about it - a odd twist of the play-within-a-play device, but more importantly it's just sad.


George W. Bush: "I'm gonna getcha, Saddam!" (In a Russian accent, for some reason) "No you're not, Comrade Bushski!" (In his own voice) "Oh yeah? Take this, Saddam and the Iraqi people!" (He begins violently hammering the doll that represents Saddam Hussein with the doll that represents himself.) "Boom! Pow! Crack! Fizzow! Rat-a-tat-tat-tat! Ba-boom! Don't mess with Texas! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee-blammo! (In a Russian accent) "Oh no, stop, I'm going to die or possibly go into hiding!" (He pauses for a moment, then puts down the dolls and presses the intercom on his desk. In his own voice) "Janine, is President Hussein dead or just in hiding?"
Janine, the President's secretary who I just made up: (Over intercom) "We don't know, sir."
George: "Oh, uh, alright." (He picks up the dolls again.) "You can't hide, or alternately die from me, Saddam!" (In Russian accent) "Watch me!" (He makes the two dolls chase each other in circles. In his own voice) "You come back here right now or I'll get my dad!"
(ANDREW H. CARD, JR., Chief of Staff, enters and approaches the desk.)
Andrew Card: "Mr. President-"
George: (Startled) Eek! (He throws one of the dolls over his shoulder and starts furiously writing with the pencil end of the other.) "Dear economy. I believe I speak for the American people when I wish you a speedy recovery."
Andrew Card: "Uh, Mr. President..."
George: "Oh, Andrew! I didn't hear you come in." (He presses the intercom.) "Janine, why didn't you tell me Mr. Card was coming in?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "I didn't know you wanted me to."
George: "Well, could you do that in the future?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Yes, Mr. President."
George: "Alright, now, mister... uh... Mr. Card..." (He starts to snicker.)

The plucky sidekick!
Andrew Card: "What is it, Mr. President?"
George: "Oh, I'm sorry, I just can't get over it. Your last name's a word! That's so cool to me!"
Andrew Card: "Uh, yes sir, so is yours."
George: "It is?"
Andrew Card: "Yes sir, a bush is another name for a shrubbery."
(There is a long pause, as GEORGE stares blankly.)
Andrew Card: "Sort of like a mini-tree."
George: "No... way! A mini-tree! Now that is A-1 sauce hunky dory in my book. I have got to tell my dad about that. Hold on." (He picks up the red phone.)
Russian Voice: "Da?"
George: "No, I'm looking for my Da."
Andrew Card: "It'll have to wait, Mr. President. You have some very important matters to attend to this morning."
Russian Voice: "Da?"
George: "No, my-"
Andrew Card: "Mr. President, please!"
George: "Oh, alright. Bye, dad."
Russian Voice: "Da?"
(GEORGE hangs up.)
Andrew Card: "Thank you, sir. Now, as I was saying, you have a very full schedule this morning. Our foreign interests are in terrible jeopardy, and people are starting to take notice here at home."
George: "What, you mean, like, my wife?"
Andrew Card: "No, sir, the American people."
George: "Oh, good. Because I was going to say, I'm pretty sure Laura's cool with it."
Andrew Card: "Sir, please, this is serious. Your approval rating along the Eastern seaboard is almost nonexistent. The West coast isn't much better. The only place where you've still got strong support is in the heartland, and I don't know if that will be enough."
George: "Whoa! Hey! Slow down a peg, little turtle. I have support in the where?"
Andrew Card: "In the heartland."
George: "What the heck is that? The heartland? Is that like Kumbolaland?"
(ANDREW CARD stares ahead for a moment.)
Andrew Card: "Yes. Sure. Kumbolaland, fine. Whatever." (Secretary of State and four star general COLIN POWELL enters the Oval Office and crosses to the desk, standing next to ANDREW CARD.)
Colin Powell: "Good morning, Mr. President."
George: "Whoa! What the lethal injection is going on around here?" (He presses the intercom.) "Janine, didn't I tell you to let me know if someone was coming in?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Oh! I thought you meant just for Mr. Card."
George: (Brightly) "Oh! Ha ha, I see what happened! Well, that clears it all up then! Hey Janine, did you know that my last name means mini-tree?"
(JANINE bursts out laughing. Soon, GEORGE is laughing uproariously, as well.)
Colin Powell: (Muttering to ANDREW CARD) "What is wrong with him?"
Andrew Card: (Muttering to COLIN POWELL) "I have no idea. He doesn't know his ass from the hole in the ground he ordered the national guard to blow yesterday, but he knows what Kumbolaland is."
Colin Powell: (Muttering) "Kumbolaland, really? What a strange reference."
George: "Alright, bye bye!" (He releases the intercom.) "Sorry about Janine. She's new, or possibly imaginary. Well hey hey! Colin Powell, my man! What's shakin', brother bacon? You cool? You fresh? You chillin'? Catch ya on the flip side!"

The sassy black guy!
Colin Powell: "I'm sorry, are you telling me to leave?"
George: "Nah, we's gonna bust some caps up in this piece. You down, sheezy-Poweezy? Gonna score some fly honeys on the four-one-one with my P. Diddy Method Man! Downin' Colt .45 on the curb with yo momma! Aye-eeeeeeeeeeeeet!"
Colin Powell: "Mr. President, I appreciate the effort, but for the last time, I'm black, not retarded."
George: "There's a-"
Colin Powell: "I swear to God, Mr. President, if you ask me if there's a difference one more time, I will beat you to death with my Congressional Gold Medal."
George: "I see."
Colin Powell: "Do you?"
George: "West Sigh-yeeeed!"
(COLIN POWELL punches GEORGE in the face.)
Andrew Card: "Jesus Christ!"
George: "Oh, you got me again, you rascal!"
Colin Powell: "It keeps being necessary. Now, if we can get down to business..."
George: "Yes, of course you're right! This is no time for procrastulation!"
Colin Powell: "Okay, uh, I really walked into that one. Anyway, Mr. President, you've got to make a decision about Liberia."
George: "Oh yeah. SARS, right?"
Colin Powell: "Uh, no sir. Not SARS. The rebels. Charles Taylor has vowed to fight to the very end. As you may remember, sir, our stated position is that we will not send in American troops as part of a peacekeeping force until Taylor leaves."
George: "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So, we wait."
Colin Powell: "Yes, but the thing of it is, if Taylor leaves, then there may be peace without us. We'd look rather silly."
Andrew Card: "Also, Mr. President, we wouldn't get the approval points that come with sending troops basically anywhere on the other side of the planet."
George: "Hmm... I see. It's a very delecatable situation. I'll have to think some more about it. I don't want to send our boys over there too hastily, risk letting them get SARS. What else is going on?"
Colin Powell: "Well, we still haven't actually found those weapons of mass destruction we were looking for in Iraq. Now, I stalled for time with the U.N. by giving them a complex series of excuses. It should take them another week or so to figure out that nothing I said actually made any sense. Between now and then, we either have to find some weapons of mass destruction, or come up with an incredibly plausible reason why our searches are coming up dry."
George: (Nods seriously, then furrows his brow and touches his fingers to his chin in a contemplative gesture.) "You lost me. I thought we were the U.N."
Colin Powell: "U.S., sir."
(COLIN POWELL grabs GEORGE by the back of the head and slams his face into the desk.)
Andrew Card: "Jesus Christ!"
George: "Don't mess with Texas!"
(COLIN POWELL slams his head into the desk again.)
Andrew Card: "Jesus Christ."
George: "Subliminable!"
(And again.)
George: "Narf!"
Andrew Card: "Jesus Christ! You're going to give him brain damage!"
Colin Powell: "Who's going to notice?"
Andrew Card: "Fair enough."
(Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld enters.)
Donald Rumsfeld: "Mr. President, I apologize for the intrusion, but we have serious matters to discuss. Good morning, Colin. Good morning, Andrew."
Colin Powell: "Don."
Andrew Card: "Morning, Don."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. Rumsfeld is here, sir."
George: "Thank you Janine. A little late, though."
Janine: (Over intercom) "I'm pretty sure Mr. Card and Mr. Powell are still in there, too, sir."

The tough white guy!
Donald Rumsfeld: "Mr. President, the situation in Iraq is critical- good lord, what happened to your face?"
George: "I don't know, but I hurt more than a mayfly in a wheat thresher."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Well, okay. As I was saying, the situation in Iraq is critical."
George: "SARS?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "No sir, not SARS. Rebuilding the infrastructure."
George: "Dammit, doesn't anyone have SARS anymore?"
(ANN M. VENEMAN enters.)
Ann Veneman: "Uh, I do."
George: "Who are you?"
Ann Veneman: "I'm Ann Veneman, the Secretary of Agriculture."
Andrew Card: "Good lord, you have SARS?"
Ann Veneman: "Uh.... no. I just wanted some attention."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Go away. Now."
Ann Veneman: "Cheery bye!"
(ANN VENEMAN exits.)
George: "What were we talking about?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "We were-"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Ann Veneman is here, sir."

Ann Veneman!
Donald Rumsfeld: "We were-"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Sir?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "We were-"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. President, where are you?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "We were-"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Oh my God! The President is missing! It's total anarchy! Oh God!"
George: "Should I-"
Donald Rumsfeld: "Would you?"
(GEORGE presses the intercom.)
George: "Janine?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Who's that?"
George: "It's George Dubya."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. President!"
George: "That's right."
Janine: (Over intercom) "You're okay!"
George: "Yes, I'm fine."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Oh, I was so worried!" (She lets out a relieved laugh.)
George: (Laughing) "Oh!"
Donald Rumsfeld: (Sternly) "Mr. President..."
George: "Ooh! I gotta go, Janine. Rummy's getting mad at me." (He releases the intercom.)
Donald Rumsfeld: "I wasn't getting mad, Mr. President."
George: "You were too."
Donald Rumsfeld: "I wasn't getting mad."
George: "Just a little bit."
Donald Rumsfeld: "No sir, I wasn't getting mad, I was getting-"
George: "SARS?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "No sir."
George: "Just a little joke, there."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Well, it sucked. Now, if we can get back to the matter at hand, we've got Paul Bremer working as hard as he can over there, but he's struggling, sir. We attacked Hussein's regime like gangbusters, but in hindsight, we probably should have come up with some sort of plan to put the country back together afterwards. The Iraqi people are not particularly thrilled with the progress we're making. Like the sands of the barren desert wasteland we turned it into, Iraq is slipping through our fingers, sir."
Colin Powell: "Nice simile, Rummy."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Shut up, Madeline."
Colin Powell: "What did you call me?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "You heard me, Albright."
Colin Powell: "Oh that's it! It's go time!"
(COLIN POWELL and DONALD RUMSFELD start to grapple.)
Andrew Card: "Eeek!"
George: "Deck 'im, Rummy! C'mon, PowPow! Show him your African rage!"

The angry old guy!
(Vice President DICK CHENEY bursts into the room.)
Dick Cheney: "Alright, that's enough from the both of you!"
George: "Dick!"
(COLIN POWELL and DONALD RUMSFELD stop fighting.)
Colin Powell: "He started it."
Dick Cheney: "Shut up, Madeline!"
George: "What are you doing here, Dick?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. Rumsfeld is here, sir."
George: (Into intercom) "You did him already."
Janine: (Over intercom) "I did not! Oh! You mean I announced him before! Okay, then Mr. Fleischer is here, sir."
George: "No he isn't."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Who are we up to?"
George: "Dick Cheney."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Oh, that's right. The Vice President is here, sir."
George: "Thank you, Janine." (He releases the intercom.) "What was I saying?"
Andrew Card: "What are you doing here, Dick?"
George: "Oh yeah, thanks. What are you doing here, Dick?"
Dick Cheney: "What does it look like I'm doing here? I'm bringing some damn order to this administration!"

The convenient plot device!
(TOM RIDGE, Secretary of Homeland Security barges in.)
Tom Ridge: "Oh no you don't!"
Dick Cheney: "Tom Ridge?"
Tom Ridge: "That's right! Mr. Vice President, you can't be here. It's not safe. We can't have you and the President in the same room together. The terrorists haven't attacked in a while, but that's all the more reason to believe that they might be building up to something sort of big possibly! Maybe an attack on the White House perhaps! We can't risk the chance of the eventuality of both of you being killed!"
Andrew Card: "He's right!"
Dick Cheney: "That's it!"
George: "What's it?"
Dick Cheney: "Think about it! The American people hate this administration, but no one in this country is cold-hearted enough to not support us after terrorists kill both the President and the Vice President in one fell swoop. Not even the Mexicans! Our approval rating will be through the roof!"
George: "That's just crazity enough to work! Now all we have to do is sit here and wait to be blown to bits."
(Everyone stays in place, silently. COLIN POWELL checks his watch after a few moments.)
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. Ridge is here, sir."
George: "Oh, Janine!"
(Everybody enjoys a good, hearty laugh. Fade to black.)

 

God dammit i had to gravedig this thread back to life. But since it has happened before i don't think that is such a problem.

ANYWAY. I was at something awful recently (just to see if they had reviewed some new hentai games, and i was bored) when i saw this disturbingly funny text here. I dunno if it is EVIL to kopy this text from something awful, if it is just remove it , if not keep coming with jokes. Good ones that is

Scene: The Oval Office, interior, day. GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States, Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces, Leader of the Free World, defender of Truth, Justice, and the American Way, sits behind his desk putting the finishing touches on a pair of rudimentary paper dolls attached to the ends of pencils. Upon completion, he holds the dolls at arms length, examining them. He then begins to tap them against one another, enacting a play of his own creation. There's something ironic about it - a odd twist of the play-within-a-play device, but more importantly it's just sad.


George W. Bush: "I'm gonna getcha, Saddam!" (In a Russian accent, for some reason) "No you're not, Comrade Bushski!" (In his own voice) "Oh yeah? Take this, Saddam and the Iraqi people!" (He begins violently hammering the doll that represents Saddam Hussein with the doll that represents himself.) "Boom! Pow! Crack! Fizzow! Rat-a-tat-tat-tat! Ba-boom! Don't mess with Texas! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee-blammo! (In a Russian accent) "Oh no, stop, I'm going to die or possibly go into hiding!" (He pauses for a moment, then puts down the dolls and presses the intercom on his desk. In his own voice) "Janine, is President Hussein dead or just in hiding?"
Janine, the President's secretary who I just made up: (Over intercom) "We don't know, sir."
George: "Oh, uh, alright." (He picks up the dolls again.) "You can't hide, or alternately die from me, Saddam!" (In Russian accent) "Watch me!" (He makes the two dolls chase each other in circles. In his own voice) "You come back here right now or I'll get my dad!"
(ANDREW H. CARD, JR., Chief of Staff, enters and approaches the desk.)
Andrew Card: "Mr. President-"
George: (Startled) Eek! (He throws one of the dolls over his shoulder and starts furiously writing with the pencil end of the other.) "Dear economy. I believe I speak for the American people when I wish you a speedy recovery."
Andrew Card: "Uh, Mr. President..."
George: "Oh, Andrew! I didn't hear you come in." (He presses the intercom.) "Janine, why didn't you tell me Mr. Card was coming in?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "I didn't know you wanted me to."
George: "Well, could you do that in the future?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Yes, Mr. President."
George: "Alright, now, mister... uh... Mr. Card..." (He starts to snicker.)

The plucky sidekick!
Andrew Card: "What is it, Mr. President?"
George: "Oh, I'm sorry, I just can't get over it. Your last name's a word! That's so cool to me!"
Andrew Card: "Uh, yes sir, so is yours."
George: "It is?"
Andrew Card: "Yes sir, a bush is another name for a shrubbery."
(There is a long pause, as GEORGE stares blankly.)
Andrew Card: "Sort of like a mini-tree."
George: "No... way! A mini-tree! Now that is A-1 sauce hunky dory in my book. I have got to tell my dad about that. Hold on." (He picks up the red phone.)
Russian Voice: "Da?"
George: "No, I'm looking for my Da."
Andrew Card: "It'll have to wait, Mr. President. You have some very important matters to attend to this morning."
Russian Voice: "Da?"
George: "No, my-"
Andrew Card: "Mr. President, please!"
George: "Oh, alright. Bye, dad."
Russian Voice: "Da?"
(GEORGE hangs up.)
Andrew Card: "Thank you, sir. Now, as I was saying, you have a very full schedule this morning. Our foreign interests are in terrible jeopardy, and people are starting to take notice here at home."
George: "What, you mean, like, my wife?"
Andrew Card: "No, sir, the American people."
George: "Oh, good. Because I was going to say, I'm pretty sure Laura's cool with it."
Andrew Card: "Sir, please, this is serious. Your approval rating along the Eastern seaboard is almost nonexistent. The West coast isn't much better. The only place where you've still got strong support is in the heartland, and I don't know if that will be enough."
George: "Whoa! Hey! Slow down a peg, little turtle. I have support in the where?"
Andrew Card: "In the heartland."
George: "What the heck is that? The heartland? Is that like Kumbolaland?"
(ANDREW CARD stares ahead for a moment.)
Andrew Card: "Yes. Sure. Kumbolaland, fine. Whatever." (Secretary of State and four star general COLIN POWELL enters the Oval Office and crosses to the desk, standing next to ANDREW CARD.)
Colin Powell: "Good morning, Mr. President."
George: "Whoa! What the lethal injection is going on around here?" (He presses the intercom.) "Janine, didn't I tell you to let me know if someone was coming in?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Oh! I thought you meant just for Mr. Card."
George: (Brightly) "Oh! Ha ha, I see what happened! Well, that clears it all up then! Hey Janine, did you know that my last name means mini-tree?"
(JANINE bursts out laughing. Soon, GEORGE is laughing uproariously, as well.)
Colin Powell: (Muttering to ANDREW CARD) "What is wrong with him?"
Andrew Card: (Muttering to COLIN POWELL) "I have no idea. He doesn't know his ass from the hole in the ground he ordered the national guard to blow yesterday, but he knows what Kumbolaland is."
Colin Powell: (Muttering) "Kumbolaland, really? What a strange reference."
George: "Alright, bye bye!" (He releases the intercom.) "Sorry about Janine. She's new, or possibly imaginary. Well hey hey! Colin Powell, my man! What's shakin', brother bacon? You cool? You fresh? You chillin'? Catch ya on the flip side!"

The sassy black guy!
Colin Powell: "I'm sorry, are you telling me to leave?"
George: "Nah, we's gonna bust some caps up in this piece. You down, sheezy-Poweezy? Gonna score some fly honeys on the four-one-one with my P. Diddy Method Man! Downin' Colt .45 on the curb with yo momma! Aye-eeeeeeeeeeeeet!"
Colin Powell: "Mr. President, I appreciate the effort, but for the last time, I'm black, not retarded."
George: "There's a-"
Colin Powell: "I swear to God, Mr. President, if you ask me if there's a difference one more time, I will beat you to death with my Congressional Gold Medal."
George: "I see."
Colin Powell: "Do you?"
George: "West Sigh-yeeeed!"
(COLIN POWELL punches GEORGE in the face.)
Andrew Card: "Jesus Christ!"
George: "Oh, you got me again, you rascal!"
Colin Powell: "It keeps being necessary. Now, if we can get down to business..."
George: "Yes, of course you're right! This is no time for procrastulation!"
Colin Powell: "Okay, uh, I really walked into that one. Anyway, Mr. President, you've got to make a decision about Liberia."
George: "Oh yeah. SARS, right?"
Colin Powell: "Uh, no sir. Not SARS. The rebels. Charles Taylor has vowed to fight to the very end. As you may remember, sir, our stated position is that we will not send in American troops as part of a peacekeeping force until Taylor leaves."
George: "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So, we wait."
Colin Powell: "Yes, but the thing of it is, if Taylor leaves, then there may be peace without us. We'd look rather silly."
Andrew Card: "Also, Mr. President, we wouldn't get the approval points that come with sending troops basically anywhere on the other side of the planet."
George: "Hmm... I see. It's a very delecatable situation. I'll have to think some more about it. I don't want to send our boys over there too hastily, risk letting them get SARS. What else is going on?"
Colin Powell: "Well, we still haven't actually found those weapons of mass destruction we were looking for in Iraq. Now, I stalled for time with the U.N. by giving them a complex series of excuses. It should take them another week or so to figure out that nothing I said actually made any sense. Between now and then, we either have to find some weapons of mass destruction, or come up with an incredibly plausible reason why our searches are coming up dry."
George: (Nods seriously, then furrows his brow and touches his fingers to his chin in a contemplative gesture.) "You lost me. I thought we were the U.N."
Colin Powell: "U.S., sir."
(COLIN POWELL grabs GEORGE by the back of the head and slams his face into the desk.)
Andrew Card: "Jesus Christ!"
George: "Don't mess with Texas!"
(COLIN POWELL slams his head into the desk again.)
Andrew Card: "Jesus Christ."
George: "Subliminable!"
(And again.)
George: "Narf!"
Andrew Card: "Jesus Christ! You're going to give him brain damage!"
Colin Powell: "Who's going to notice?"
Andrew Card: "Fair enough."
(Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld enters.)
Donald Rumsfeld: "Mr. President, I apologize for the intrusion, but we have serious matters to discuss. Good morning, Colin. Good morning, Andrew."
Colin Powell: "Don."
Andrew Card: "Morning, Don."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. Rumsfeld is here, sir."
George: "Thank you Janine. A little late, though."
Janine: (Over intercom) "I'm pretty sure Mr. Card and Mr. Powell are still in there, too, sir."

The tough white guy!
Donald Rumsfeld: "Mr. President, the situation in Iraq is critical- good lord, what happened to your face?"
George: "I don't know, but I hurt more than a mayfly in a wheat thresher."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Well, okay. As I was saying, the situation in Iraq is critical."
George: "SARS?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "No sir, not SARS. Rebuilding the infrastructure."
George: "Dammit, doesn't anyone have SARS anymore?"
(ANN M. VENEMAN enters.)
Ann Veneman: "Uh, I do."
George: "Who are you?"
Ann Veneman: "I'm Ann Veneman, the Secretary of Agriculture."
Andrew Card: "Good lord, you have SARS?"
Ann Veneman: "Uh.... no. I just wanted some attention."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Go away. Now."
Ann Veneman: "Cheery bye!"
(ANN VENEMAN exits.)
George: "What were we talking about?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "We were-"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Ann Veneman is here, sir."

Ann Veneman!
Donald Rumsfeld: "We were-"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Sir?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "We were-"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. President, where are you?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "We were-"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Oh my God! The President is missing! It's total anarchy! Oh God!"
George: "Should I-"
Donald Rumsfeld: "Would you?"
(GEORGE presses the intercom.)
George: "Janine?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Who's that?"
George: "It's George Dubya."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. President!"
George: "That's right."
Janine: (Over intercom) "You're okay!"
George: "Yes, I'm fine."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Oh, I was so worried!" (She lets out a relieved laugh.)
George: (Laughing) "Oh!"
Donald Rumsfeld: (Sternly) "Mr. President..."
George: "Ooh! I gotta go, Janine. Rummy's getting mad at me." (He releases the intercom.)
Donald Rumsfeld: "I wasn't getting mad, Mr. President."
George: "You were too."
Donald Rumsfeld: "I wasn't getting mad."
George: "Just a little bit."
Donald Rumsfeld: "No sir, I wasn't getting mad, I was getting-"
George: "SARS?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "No sir."
George: "Just a little joke, there."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Well, it sucked. Now, if we can get back to the matter at hand, we've got Paul Bremer working as hard as he can over there, but he's struggling, sir. We attacked Hussein's regime like gangbusters, but in hindsight, we probably should have come up with some sort of plan to put the country back together afterwards. The Iraqi people are not particularly thrilled with the progress we're making. Like the sands of the barren desert wasteland we turned it into, Iraq is slipping through our fingers, sir."
Colin Powell: "Nice simile, Rummy."
Donald Rumsfeld: "Shut up, Madeline."
Colin Powell: "What did you call me?"
Donald Rumsfeld: "You heard me, Albright."
Colin Powell: "Oh that's it! It's go time!"
(COLIN POWELL and DONALD RUMSFELD start to grapple.)
Andrew Card: "Eeek!"
George: "Deck 'im, Rummy! C'mon, PowPow! Show him your African rage!"

The angry old guy!
(Vice President DICK CHENEY bursts into the room.)
Dick Cheney: "Alright, that's enough from the both of you!"
George: "Dick!"
(COLIN POWELL and DONALD RUMSFELD stop fighting.)
Colin Powell: "He started it."
Dick Cheney: "Shut up, Madeline!"
George: "What are you doing here, Dick?"
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. Rumsfeld is here, sir."
George: (Into intercom) "You did him already."
Janine: (Over intercom) "I did not! Oh! You mean I announced him before! Okay, then Mr. Fleischer is here, sir."
George: "No he isn't."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Who are we up to?"
George: "Dick Cheney."
Janine: (Over intercom) "Oh, that's right. The Vice President is here, sir."
George: "Thank you, Janine." (He releases the intercom.) "What was I saying?"
Andrew Card: "What are you doing here, Dick?"
George: "Oh yeah, thanks. What are you doing here, Dick?"
Dick Cheney: "What does it look like I'm doing here? I'm bringing some damn order to this administration!"

The convenient plot device!
(TOM RIDGE, Secretary of Homeland Security barges in.)
Tom Ridge: "Oh no you don't!"
Dick Cheney: "Tom Ridge?"
Tom Ridge: "That's right! Mr. Vice President, you can't be here. It's not safe. We can't have you and the President in the same room together. The terrorists haven't attacked in a while, but that's all the more reason to believe that they might be building up to something sort of big possibly! Maybe an attack on the White House perhaps! We can't risk the chance of the eventuality of both of you being killed!"
Andrew Card: "He's right!"
Dick Cheney: "That's it!"
George: "What's it?"
Dick Cheney: "Think about it! The American people hate this administration, but no one in this country is cold-hearted enough to not support us after terrorists kill both the President and the Vice President in one fell swoop. Not even the Mexicans! Our approval rating will be through the roof!"
George: "That's just crazity enough to work! Now all we have to do is sit here and wait to be blown to bits."
(Everyone stays in place, silently. COLIN POWELL checks his watch after a few moments.)
Janine: (Over intercom) "Mr. Ridge is here, sir."
George: "Oh, Janine!"
(Everybody enjoys a good, hearty laugh. Fade to black.)

 

Throughout this post there are numerous disgusting, racist, morally disturbing jokes...

i just thought i'd add my two cents... also, i'd like to add that i only find these funny due to the absurdity of them and in no way do i wish to promote any kind of prejudice....

whats long and black and smells like shit?
a welfare line

how do you get 60 mexicans out on their front lawns?
drop a quarter on their street.

how do you start a mexican parade?
roll the quarter down the street

how do you know if a korean has broken into your house?
your homework is done and your dog is gone

Whats the best thing about having sex with a ten year old boy?
pretending hes seven

whats the best thing abouit having sex with a ten year old girl?
pretending shes seven

whats the worst thing about having sex with a seven year old girl?
getting the blood stains out of your clown costume

 

How did the altar boy know that the nun was on the rag?

He could taste the blood on the minister's dick.

---

What to Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?

They both like to stick thirty year old meat between eight year old buns.

---

How is going down on a woman like dealing with the mafia?

One slip of the tounge, and you're in deep shit.

 

/de-lurk

saw this at another site and felt like sharing......


"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.



"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang."


re-lurk