who needs a laugh

Alright, then. Here's one:

Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

 

A pirate walks into a bar. The barkeeper, looking down at the pirate, says, "Excuse me sir, but did you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?"

"Arr, matey, I know, it's driving me nuts."

 

groan...... was that necessary Retard?.... and yes, i did laugh at it, but it was still ordinary........

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."*


* this may not be much better

 

okay then bitches, here's a good one and if'n you don't like it....... too bad......


A mother and her son were flying Qantas Airlines from Townsville to Brisbane. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have babyplanes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that! to you."

if you don't get this joke, go ask your mother.....

 

rotfl

Edit: since some people disapprove of quoting someone elses post and then adding "rotfl" or a smiley face i decided to add something. sorry if this bothers anyone, but screaming at someone wont get them to stop, asking nicely is the best way to go.

 

I can't fuckin' stand going to a thread, with the anticipation of reading something worthwhile, just to find a quote of a previous member's post with a smiley face or a "lmao!!" tacked at the bottom. If you liked it that much, pm the author and stop wasting my bandwidth.

 

Mommy... I don't get the joke...

 

Wild Thinking

A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left.
He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she answered back,"I like the way you think." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream, which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said,"The one that is sucking the ice cream." He answered,"No, the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK."

 

Did you hear about the couple that wanted to get married? Well, they decided to live together for 1 year first, to see if it would work out. Well, it worked out a couple of times, but they managed to get it back in all right.



Oh, and mrnobodie, the "driving my nuts" was hilarious. You know it. Corny jokes rule.

 

Taken from Planet Fargo:

Fargo: This week myself and shaithis, my co-editor in crime, want to talk about massively multiplayer games. They are the great dichotomy: simultaneously demonstrating incredible potential and yet, at the same time, the deepest depths of crappiness.

shaithis: C'mon people! Three out of every four MMOG games feature an experience point bar, and you make it go up by killing a bunch of monsters, and you walk around some giant fantasy setting. Every time I see a new one I want to claw my eyes out. You've got an Internet full of players and all this incredible modern graphic technology -- DO SOMETHING NEW!

Fargo: That's why we came up with our new game. ShaiQuest: The Gloaming. Featuring Snoop Dogg.

shaithis: I wanted to call it Fallout Online, but somebody seems to think we'd get sued.

Fargo: Our game is set in a post-apocalyptic California. See, after the North Koreans nuke LA and trigger off the big one, the whole radiated mess swims off into the Pacific.

shaithis: Most of the action takes place in the ruins of Long Beach.

Fargo: Yah! We pushin da real about da LBC!

shaithis: Character classes would include Gangstas, Hare Krishnas, Vigilante Ex Cops, Crackwhores, Record Industry Lawyers, Girls Gone Wild, and Kurt Russell. The game action would be all about nudity and violence! No sitting around, waiting, or crafting things.

Fargo: That's right, no waiting for your health bar to go up before you fight. You can keep killin' and killin', even after you lose limbs. And ALL weapons can be carried akimbo, even pump shotguns. In fact, slow pace is just one of the many RPG problems we're aiming to solve here.

shaithis: Yah! Another one is staying in character. Tired of kiddies ruining your game by talking in l33tspeak? All text anyone types into our game is run through a filter provided by UrbanDictionary.com. Half the time you can't even tell what the other players are saying.

Fargo: Fo' schizzle muh nizzle!

shaithis: Exactly! I think. And let's talk about stats. What's this whole "Collecting XP" thing? XP? Experience Points? What does that mean? As a way of measuring your progress, it's just stupid. In our game, your progress is determined by two meters: Bitches and Money.

Fargo: And how about Player Housing? It's the most requested feature in online games. But there are two problems. The first is supply: There's never enough, or enough space for everyone to have one. The second problem is that half the players who own houses stop playing, and then you end up with these ghost towns. We came up with a simple solution.

shaithis: We call it, "Destructible Housing."

Fargo: That's right! But if you try to bring down the bizz-ouse all up in my hizz-ous I'll get shibby on your lizzie wit my AK!

shaithis: If that was a threat -- and I'm not exactly sure what that was -- it will do you no good. I'm going to walk around with bazookas akimbo.

Fargo: That brings up another problem: player-killing. Everyone gets all freaky about it. The problem is that dying in online games is usually a real pain; you have to run for miles and miles to "recover your corpse." That's just dumb. Dying sucks. If it didn't suck, nobody would care about player-killing.

shaithis: So, in our game, if you die, there's no penalty. You just respawn inside some random stranger's house.

Fargo: Without pants.

shaithis: You will also be able to bet on monkey knife fights.

Fargo: OoOOOohh, maybe we should make monkeys a playable character class? Hmmm. But what would you do as a monkey?

shaithis: You'd get in knife fights.

Fargo: Sign me up! Hey, we forgot to tell them about the new stats system.

shaithis: Oh yeah, stats. What a waste of time. You spend half the game trying to figure out if you should apply points to your dexterity or your strength, meanwhile, everyone ignores the other half of the stats. Numbers are boring. It's a waste of time.

Fargo: To circumvent this, our game features a robust system of five stats, none of which have any affect on gameplay whatsoever:
Schlong
Tats
Smooka
Illin'
Bleavage

shaithis: And finally, we are creating the only online RPG to feature a cheat code that allows you to play in "Big Head Mode."

Fargo: Big Head Mode is huge.

shaithis: The time has come.

- Fargo

 

I quoted this

 

I quoted again!

 

Ha Ha! I quoted a quote of a quote! (did you understand that?)

 

This is starting to get boring

 

Still quoting quotes of quotes of quotes. Still getting bored. Still don't know why i am doing this. Do you?

 

Me thinks you will get banned.

Another one:

Physical Exam


A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

 

Jinxed, can we get an IP address check on jsmelser? I have a funny feeling it will turn out to be someone already posting here. Please give a spam avatar to both accounts. Alright now, back to the jokes.


Two guys are chatting in a bar, complaining about their wives. "My wife is really dumb," says the first guy. "Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive."

"That's nothing," says the second guy. "Last week I found a bunch of condoms in my wife's purse, and she doesn't even have a penis!"



What do you call a midget with 20 pound balls? Half nuts

 

a cowboy is captured by indians who tell them that he will be killed after three days. to make things a little better for him, they say that they will grant him one wish every day as long as it doesnt help him escape or hurt one of them. so on the first day, the man says, "bring me my horse". the indians bring him his horse, but remind him that if he gets on the horse and tries to escape, they will kill him. so the man walks up to his horse, whispers in his ear, and the horse rides off. a little while later, the horse comes back with a beautiful naked woman. the man takes a woman back to his tent for the night. on the next day, the indians ask the man what he wants and he asks for them to bring him his horse. he goes up to his horse and whispers into his ear. the horse rides off and a little while later, brings back another naked woman. the man takes the woman back to his tent for the night. on the third day, the indian chief tells the man that hes going to die today, but that theyll give him one last request. so the man asks for his horse, goes up to him, and whispers in his ear. the horse rides off and brings back a beautiful naked woman. the man walks up to his horse and screams "POSSE DAMNIT! POSSE!"

 

Jinxed, if you wouldn't mind checking on our spam happy friend please....... thankyou.

"posse"...... i like it, i like it a lot......


A guy got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. And if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over, shaking hands, dancing on his hind legs, etc. finally he made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

 

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."




Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

directions: read these outloud

(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?



See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao



Stupid Man

Dum Gai



Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni



Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?



I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni



It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim



This is a tow away zone

No Pah King



You are not very bright

Yu So Dum



I got this for free

Ai No Pei



I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?



Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?



They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.



Stay out of sight

Lei Lo



He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.



Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki



I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

Speaking of Chinese (no pun intended), why do we never see any chinese guys here? They no play allcaynum?
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