who needs a laugh

http://www.haven.org/~dkap/LotR_V_Secret_Diaries.html#beginning

For those who haven't seen it and so that it doesn't disapear with my thread. And read it all. The father it goes tha better it gets (although a bit too much gayness but it's heck of a funny piece).

 

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor. 'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." 'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it in to his coffee, he won't event taste it. Come back in a week to let me know how you got on.' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.' 'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate!! He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, and at the same time ripped my clothes off. He then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!' 'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!!!

 

Maniac! That's sick! Funny... but sick!

 

Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller


In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.


* * * * * *
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %&#$!.

 

One Sunday morning, a preacher delivered his sermon on "Forgiving Your Enemies" to the faithful in his parish. At the end of the sermon he asked the congregation how many were ready to forgive their enemies.

Everyone bar one little old lady in the back raised their arms. The preacher asked the little old lady, who's name was Mrs Jones, "Mrs Jones, why haven't you raised your hand. Why aren't you ready to forgive your enemies?"

Mrs Jones replied, "I'm not ready because I don't have any enemies."

The preacher asked, "How old are you Mrs Jones?"

"I'm 93 years old," she proudly said.

"Well, Mrs Jones, could you please come up here and tell everyone how you managed to live to 93 and not have any enemies?"

"Certainly," she smiled.

With that, she stood, and tottered her way up to the lectern. She turned her sweet old face with a kindly smile to the rest of the congregation and said, "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

 

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

It is a little late but I thought it is still good.

 

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?" "I would have been released today.

 

I like your style Qilkatal . Actually, I just like the joke. A rugby sevens side by 2005, hahahaha. As if they could find the people required...

 

THE BIRTH OF GOTH:
Well my parents drowned , my girlfirend killed herself and my dog just died. The funny thing is: I feel like singing!

 

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy.

 

I swear I've posted that one before Maniac...or someone else has...

 

Really? I feel like playing the banjo.

 

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm,
then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When
the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying
and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling
serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out
the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we
take the pacifier out of his ass."

 

I haven't read it then.

 

According to the authors of "Myth Informed," a book about what
many people mistakenly believe to be true, these are common
fallacies about wealth:

* Most rich people are unhappy. (This is a misunderstanding of
the phrase "I'm crying all the way to the bank." Folks: start
recognizing sarcasm when you hear it!)
* Most rich people long for the simple life of the poor.
(Rich people have money to burn. If they really wanted the
simple life, they could strike a match. Simple enough?)
* The king and queen of your high school prom are probably
working in factories while the class nerds live in mansions.
(Put your pens back in your plastic shirt pocket holder,
pinhead, and readjust your thick glasses. You only wish that
were true!)

 

*note* female members of the forum need not read..........



The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

 

A couple has been married for 20 years now. One day wife feels really horny and says to her husband: "Honey, when we wre getting married you said that you'll fuck my brains out and suck my tits dry..." The husband looks her over and says: "Well I think I did a damn good job".

 

Just found this one.

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

 

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: Yes.
Pizza Man: With guns?
Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: No way.
Click

 

Since it is summer i thought i should leave a few advices for people going to Briton.

1. MONEY

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred
to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern
word for what was once called a shilling, the equivalent of seventeen
cents American.

2. MAKING FRIENDS

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great "tosser"
he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands
with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

3. CUSTOMS

Since their Labour government whole-heartedly embraced full union
with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a three-hour
siesta, which they call a "wank". As this is still a fairly new
practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep
(alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from
Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and
explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and
forgive you.

4. RELAXING

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their
flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is
known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are
privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent
them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you
are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where
the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil
to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

5. FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most
sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out
several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth
interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there
are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the
best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp
of Excellence (BSE).
When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
beef and won't settle for anything less. If he baulks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth
while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter
realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to
let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he
does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow
on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an
Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your
meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is
fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should
simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a
tab for you.

6. TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidised by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not" then
grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined. It
is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,
pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are
"pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g."Please
take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a
bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore him, he is only teasing the American tourist
(little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may
be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a
woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the
base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any
of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though,
beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats
that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the
early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible
to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that
you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few
people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered
only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of
transportation.

7. AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
International Jewish peace organisation - the "shin" stands for "shalom").
As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!