who needs a laugh

that was funney ferret in the odd old man standing at the bus stop in an overcoat kind of way.

 

Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken!

 

Our financial director just sent this one round (sorry about the silly arrows):

>An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board
>but only 4 parachutes.
>
>The first passenger said, " I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
>basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.... So he
>took the
>first pack and left the plane.
>
>The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the
>former president of the United States, I am also the most ambitious
>woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential
>future president." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of
>the plane.
>
>The third passenger, George W. Bush, said: "I'm President of the
>United States of America, I have a great responsibility being the
>leader of a superpower nation. And above all I'm the cleverest
>President in American history, so America's people won't let me
>die."
>So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
>
>The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10
>year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years
>left, as a Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
>parachute."
>
>The boy said, "It's OK, there's still a parachute left for you.
>America's cleverest President has taken my schoolbag."

 

I'm gonna do ya proud, mrnobodie. 'Ere we go....


Little Johnny's teacher gave the class an assignment. She wanted them to tell the class something that they watched or saw that dealt with procreation. (Silly teacher. Won't she ever learn?) Anyway, the next day Sally raised her hand. "Yes Sally?" said the teacher. "Well," said Sally, "on the way home yesterday I saw a mama bird sitting in a nest."

"Very good, Sally. As you all know, the mama bird lays her eggs, sets on them to keep them warm, they hatch and grow up to become adults. You get an A."

Next Dan raised his hand. "Yes Dan?" called the teacher.

"Well, yesterday I saw our cat having a litter of kittens."

Well, by now little Johnny was raising his hand as high as he could, bouncing around in his seat. "Ooh!! Ooh!!"

"Yes, Little Johnny," replied the teacher, rolling her eyes.
"Well, last night, I was watching the Lone Ranger. He and Tonto were surrounded by 100 screaming Souix Indians. The Lone Ranger promptly whipped out his two six-shooters and started firing. He killed several dead as a hammer, then, ducking their tomahawks and arrows, he reloaded, and started firing again. He fired and reloaded till he ran outta bullets, then he threw his guns down and started snapping necks. He didn't stop. Finally, when the dust settled, there was the Lone Ranger and Tonto standing amongst a pile of dead Indians."

"Johnny!! What on earth has that got to do with procreation!!" cried the teacher.

"Well, that'll teach them not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

 

A man was traveling the desert for a few weeks. Alone... He longed for good sex. Then he saw a camel.
"Eh...What gives...I'll do the camel" the man said to himself. He pushed up a pile of sand behind the camel to get the right apttude and stood up on the pile but the camel walked away and stopped. He then pushed up another pile but the camel moved away again. That happened two more times... then the man saw an attractive woman chased by some arabians. He killed the arabians and so rescued the woman. The woman said:
"You're my hero! I'll do anything you ask...ANYTHING."
"Alright...Hold that camel over there."

 

There was a famous prostitute who could give a blowjob and sing at the same time. One guy refused to believe this and after talking with some of his friends that visited her he decided to check for himself. “The only thing she demands is that the lights should be out� they warned; “let’s see how this works� he thought as he went to see her.
They went to a hotel room; she killed the lights and began giving him the famous blowjob as she sang with a marvelous voice. Quickly he turned on the lights to discover her secret. In despair she darted out of the room grabbing all of her belongings: her dress, purse and her glass eye.

 

Sick...but funny.

 

what follows is a rough trans-script of an audio file a friend sent me a few days ago......., sorry about the size....... (that's not the first time i've that) 3


*telephone rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

FBI: Yes, this is agent Johnson of the US FBI, my president has instructed me to ask you for the final time to turn over the person or the location of one 'Osama Bin Laden' for his actions against our country or, you must face the consequences.

TALIBAN: Leave us alone ! We know nothing of this Bin Laden !

FBI: We think you do.

TALIBAN: We don't !

FBI: Listen mister Taliban person, do you realise that this is your final opportunity or we must lash out with an assault of wich you do not have the technology to handle.

TALIBAN: We have anti aircraft and anti tank and anti missile weaponry !

FBI: We know that, but you do not have answering machines.

TALIBAN: What ?

FBI: Will you give us Bin Laden ?

TALIBAN: No !

FBI: Ok, you asked for it.

*hangs up phone*

TALIBAN: Answering machine ? What is that ?

*Phone Rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

SALES PERSON: Hello, how are you this afternoon ? Would you like better rates on your long distance calls ?

TALIBAN: You have wrong number !

*Hangs up*

*Phone Rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

SALES PERSON: Hello mister taliban did you know that metal walls can increase the value of your house with 50 percent ?

TALIBAN: You have wrong number !

*Hangs up*

*Phone Rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

SALES PERSON: Congratulations ! You've qualified for the platinum car !

*Hangs up*

*Phone Rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

SALES PERSON: Good afternon sir ! Did you know that we have 40 million dollar for home improvement projects ?

TALIBAN: aaaaaaaah !

TALIBAN: That's it ! Osama's on his own !

*Hangs up*

*Phone Rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

SALES PERSON: Good afternoon sir ! How would you like a free HVO for a month ?

TALIBAN: aaaaaaahh !

*Hangs up*

*Phone Rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

SALES PERSON: Hello. For interesting deals in car insurance, please hold the line...

TALIBAN: aaaaaahhhhhh !

*Hangs up*

*Phone Rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

SALES PERSON: Hello ! I have a special deal for you ! How would you like the No. 1 sports magazine with...

TALIBAN: aaaaaaahh !

*Hangs up*

*Phone Rings and taliban operator picks up*

TALIBAN: Taliban !

SALES PERSON: Good afternoon sir...

TALIBAN: aaaaah !

*smashes the phone into bits*

 

One guy was working in a very remote place where there were only men. The next city was miles and miles away; it was impossible to get there. Frustrated, he went to the bar:
“One beer… hmm… Say, there isn’t a single woman here?�
“Nope, not one.�
“But… how do you manage it? I mean without women.�
“Well, there is this little Japanese guy who takes our pressure off, if you know what I mean.�
“What?!�
“Do you want to arrange a meeting?�
“No way! What do you think I am?�
“Suit yourself.�
Weeks passed; his need grew to the point of despair. He went back to the bar:
“Say, about that guy… could you arrange… you know… a meeting.�
“Sure, when do you want it?
“It is going to be a secret, isn’t it?�
“Certainly.�
“Nobody else will know, right? This is between the three-
“Seven.�
-of us.�
“Sure!�
“Ok. Then… wait! You said seven?�
“Of course.�
“But there’s just you, me and the guy…�
“And the four others to hold him down, because he is not gay.�

 

here's a monkey joke.......


A chimpanzee walk's into a bar, jump's up on a stool and order's a beer.
"You're a talking chimp!" the bartender exclaimed.
" Right," the chimp replied, " I'm working across the street for a week, then I'm laid off, now where the hell is my beer?"
Each day the chimp came in for a beer after work, he was getting more and more depressed about being laid off. Meanwhile a circus came to town, the bartender mentioned the talking chimp over.
" I've got great news, you can get a job with the circus." he informed the chimp.
" This circus, it's in a big canvas tent?" the chimp inquired.
" Well yes," replied the bartender.
" Wonder what they need a stonemason for?" mused the chimp.

 

Is it just me or does that one seem remarkably like the talking duck-plasterer one?

 

no, no it doesn't, now shut up, your ruining it for everybody :razz:

 

i believe the egg came before the chicken

 

have to disagree there... chicken before the egg

 

Eggs were around way before chickens showed up.

Reptiles laid eggs. Fish laid eggs before there were even land animals.

 

Ok you win...

but to get back to the real problem:
chicken eggs or chickens


And why did the chicken cross the road??:

... because his legs carried him

 

To prove to the possum that it could be done.

 

One little boy came home from school:
“Daddy, can you help me with my home work assignment?�
“Sure. What’s the problem?�
“I have to explain politics in class, but I am a bit confused. Can you explain it to me?�
“OK. Hmm… Think of your home as a country. I work and bring money to sustain this house, so I am the economic power. Your mother manages and organizes the house; she is the government. Our maid cleans and does the heavier work; she is the working class. We do all this to sustain you; so you are the country’s population, the people. Your baby brother is going to grow and is our more important concern, you can think of him as the Nation’s future. Do you get it?�
“I don’t know… I’ll think a bit, thanks dad.�
In the middle of night the boy awakens with his brother’s cry. The baby had defecated and was crying very loudly. The boy looks for help. When he goes to his parents’ room he finds only his mother; and he couldn’t wake her, as she was deep asleep in the arms of prince Valium. Then he tries the maid’s room, the door was locked and nobody answered his calls. He looked through the keyhole and saw his father having sex with the maid.
In the next day during class the teacher asks the boy about his homework.
“I did it, teacher.�
“Then what can you tell us about politics.�
“The government sleeps ignoring the people while the economic power fucks with the working class and the future of the Nation lies in shit.�

 

a strange joke, yet amazingly true...

 

hehehe... another possibility.