1001 Ways to Torture a Cat(For Nancy)

Many a time have I wanted to beat the shit out of that furry little bastard that always seems to piss me off. Either by taking a nice warm shit on my brand new carpet, or decided to use me as a clawing device.

In this small file, i'd like to suggest ways to hurt or piss of the little shithead that you can't get rid of, usually cuz you're mom thinks it's the nicest fucker alive.

1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the fucker get's in your way, whether it be when you're taking a shit and it comes in and watches, or when you're sleeping and it sits on your face. Just put a little force into it and BLAM! The fucker goes flying. It's especially nice to watch a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four spread, doing 360's and crying like a Mexican without his burrito. Kicking him from under (like under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat, spinning and twirling in the air.

2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun part...Seeing the cat can't really get to it's tail, you can do shit with it and the cat it defenseless. Try tying the cat's tail to his front paw, cuz everyone time it walks, it's tail get's pulled, looks like some diseased person trying to walk. Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail, and start spinning the cat around using it, the cat will have to take the pain, cuz by force of nature, it can't reach it's paws around to scratch you since it's spinning so fast it's paws are spread-eagle like. If you have glue, and the cat's tail is long enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue it's tail to it's nose, which is cool. The cat moves his head and his ass comes up with it (how'z that for a chain reaction?) Like it'll be walking around town with it's ass all dangling up, all the other furry fucks will ram it up, which in turn, will make the cat freak when it tries to sit down (get it?). But that's kinda mean.

3 -- Wiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know who you are people, you kind that clips cat's wiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's use wiskers to navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a tight spot, their wiskers will tell them if they're about to run into something (kind of like those cadillacs with those metal tubes sticking out the side). So what do you do? You cut the fuckers wiskers, down to you start getting fur. Then you gotta through the cat in a closet, and open the door, oh, about 4 inches. The cat will naturally be fucked and stunned that us humans would do such a thing (it probably is equlivant of a cat cutting off your dick) and he'll start bumping around, wondering what the fuck....So you just sit there and laugh your ass off. The cat might eventually make it's way out of the closet, but maybe you could, hmmm...Find something else to do to it after that? (grin>

4 -- Pillow Case....Well, this is kind of funny...All you do is throw the little fuck in a pillow case, and go into an open room (you don't want to beat it to death, well, not yet adleast). And start swinging the fucker around in circles, again and again, the cat will probably crying for it's life (but don't give in to it's whining, cuz when it get's out, it wants blood) keep swinging it around and around, faster and faster, stop when you're too dizzy to figure out where the cat is, then quickly open the pillow case and let the bastard fall out (it WILL fall, believe me). You got to make sure you can see it (cuz you're gonna me almost as dizzy). The fucker will be sitting there, moving it's head in circles, still thinking it spinning. This is the good part, cuz as far as the cat knows, it's totally high on Catnip or something. You can do anything, it's up to you.

4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water more than dogs, and would rather travel in a car then deal with it. But cat's are funny as hell in water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or something with water in it that the cat will fit in. Throw the fucker in for a minute or two (unless it's definitely going to drown, we'll talk about killing them later) and watch it squeal..They act like water is acid or something and yet they still drink water out of the toilet when none is available (these fuckers gotta get their facts straight). After the cat has had enough torture, grab it by the ear, or tail, or get a good grab around it's head and throw it out (throw it outside you fool). When a cat get's wet (especially a long-haired cat) they look like giant ferrets, really nasty like (which might persuade you to do something else, like nail it to a 2 by 4 and shoot it full of b-b's) but don't hurt it too bad..

5 -- Misc. shit....Stick the cat in the Microwave (no, really) and don't turn it on (yet) just let it sit there, and look through the little see-through window...It should be scared as hell, since it's in a really tight spot, can't move much at all...If you really want to screw the fucker, nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds at a time...The cat will start squirming at about 10 seconds (depending on the wattage of the Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will definitely have radiation poisioning, which will probably kill it within a month or less. If you nuke it for a minute, you'll probably kill it, depending on the size of the cat, the microwave cooks inside out, so after a minute, it's intestines and lungs will be a little toasty, maybe killing it, if not, probably sterilizing it or leaving it a slow and terrible death. Of course, you can go "All-Out" if you REALLY express rage for it, and can nuke it for 5 minutes...This is NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know someone who did this, and saw it....It was pretty fucking gross, and being the cat hater I am, I still felt sorry for it. In 30 seconds, it starts kicking and screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the point, you gotta make sure the door can't be opened, and you gotta make sure you don't want the microwave anymore). In 1 minute, it was started to spaz like nothing you've ever seen before, some blood was coming from it's mouth due to internal cuts the Nuking did, all types of seisures and some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At about 2 and a half minutes, the cat was still alive, it's pupils were dialated and it was twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up it's ass...At 3 minutes, it's almost dead...The smell of the cat would make any mortician throw up, that's why I would suggest alot of open windows and doors and some type of gas mask on. The last two minutes it the cool part...Now that the fucker is dead (for good reason too) it's time to watch the fireworks...I think at around 4 minutes, the cat started popping, it's eyeballs literally popped out of it's sockets, and the blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight..At about, 4 mins 15 seconds, it's fur starts to curl (although it was already crispy) and at about 5 minutes, the whole microwave is one big slaughterhouse. Which brings me to clean up...DON'T! I said earlier, Nuke the cat in a microwave you no longer want to use (not to mention the microwave is probably broken anyway). Just throw the microwave away and chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take poloraids if you want.

You're probably saying, how the fuck is he going to write another 996 ways to torture a cat? Well, the answer is, he ain't.

Anything you'd all like to add to my list?

 

I have a cat, you asshole!

 

You are one sick, sad person.

 

It's more like I'm a sick, psychotic person. However, the text isn't mine, I'd be more creative than that. This is an old textfiles by a fellow named Ares. Ares is the name of the Greek god of war. I'm taking the text back for the Greek man!

 

I know who Ares is. I still think you are a sick, sad, and psychotic person.

 

Like Greek men in general that is probably not all you're taking 'squeel like a pig boy.'

 

Whatever you say 3dogs, I have a textfile for how to kill dogs as well.

 

Jesus Christ... I have dogs too.

 

For Milo

It's Saturday morning... 4 AM... You were supposed to be in 3 hours ago, so you are sneaking in... And no matter what you do, whether it is try to quietly open a window or slowly open the door, the damn dog your mother loves so much starts barking like hell. Parents wake up, and you're busted. They finally go to bed, wake up the next day, and find Fido splattered in the Microwave. Damn mutts.

Has that ever happened to you? Well even if it hasn't and you just hate the little fuckers, here's a file to give you some ideas for getting rid of them and having a helluva time, too.

It's the middle of summer. You're going to the mall to laugh at old people or something, when suddenly you notice that SOMEone has left a dog inside their car, but with the window down. (You grin evilly and head for the target!) Ok, if the window is down enough and the dog isn't a Pit Bull or something, pull the little bastard out of there, tie it to your bumper, and Head Out To The Highway. Window not down far enough? Smash it. Or, you could feed the little bone-chewing bastard a bag of chocolate chip cookies. (A chemical in the chocolate is poison to them.) If you want, feed the thing a penny minted after 1982 (embed it in something), the Zinc will drop the mutt. Of course, if you just want to harrass it, throw things at it from outside the car, swat at it with a broom, shoot it with a BB gun, throw a cat into the car, throw another DOG into the car, etc etc etc.

Do you have a neighbor who really pisses you off? Do they ever tie their dog up outside? Well if they do,and it's nice and hot outside,put Anti-Freeze in their water-dish. (The Dog's dish for you dump asses). They like the taste, but it kinda kills them. You could always take off it's dog tag and release the POOR creature, then call the Pound. If you think you can pull it off, put some Quick-Dry cement and some Flour into a bowl and put it where the dog can eat it They eat it, get thirsty, drink water, get stoned.

It's night-time. You're bored. Need something to do? Go out and find a dog somewhere, it oughtta be easy enough. You hate the little shit. You want him dead. But you want to have some fun first. Ok, be nice to him for awhile, get him to be friendly to you...The pour gas all over him and light the fucker up! Flaming dogs running through the streets, oh what a feeling. Of course, you could just our Sulfuric acid all over it instead of gas...

It's your little sister's birthday. She gets a stupid ass puppy. What's it gonna do? Lick your ankles and shit on the carpet. You're going down the highway with the 'family' which now includes a puppy which also wants to ride in your lap. (Probably wants to piss on you, right?) Well,the puppy looks bored, so you're gonna roll down the window so it can see outside better and get some wind in his face. Then throw that son of a dog-bitch out the window. If you're going fast enough they'll skid around on the highway for awhile before someone makes a spot out of Spot.

Got some rope handy? Got a dog handy? There are lots of things you can do... Tie the rope around the dog's lower half and hind legs. Holding the other end, twirl the mutt around and around over your head! Look! Up in the sky! It's Super Puppy flying through the air when you let go of the rope! Of course, if you can spin fast enough you could slam the poor shit's body into a tree trunk, or throw it out onto the highway at the Big Rigs. (50 points for each Truck you hit, see who can get the most point!) Or, instead of throwing the bastard into trees, throw an end of the rope (or the dog) over some high object like a tree-limb or swing, or any other 'bar'. Pull the shit up so his feet can't touch the ground and tie off your end. Hey! It's a rope swing! Grab hold of those legs and see how long it takes them to pull out of his body! (Or if it's near a road,see how many cars you can hit). Or if you just want to have fun with him while he's hanging there,push him high and higher,see if you can make him do a complete loop. Fun, huh?

Well, you hate dogs, but you aren't really into creative slaughter... So, just take a shotgun and blow the fucker to pieces. Or run over the shit in a car. (Chasing them through their owner's yard is always a fun thing to do) If you're good with a lasso you could snag the mutt while driving past him, then see how many mail boxes you can hit with him.

I hope this has been informative, and may all your problems with those fucking canine hell-hounds be easily solved from now on. Happy dog killing!

This was by Mephisto. Another Greek name. I'm taking it back. I'm taking everything back for the Greek man.

 

You sick, perverted person...

 

O'm perverted because? Do you even know what the word means?

 

Didn't read your post too long. Hey a while back you mentioned the men in your family introducing you to alcohol. And you're greek.....hmmmm ever notice a certain amount of rectal soreness the next day vyass?

 

Yes I do know what perverted means.

 

No. I ddn't. I wasn't drunk. And my family isn't fucked up like that. You must be recollecting your thoughts from childhood. That's how your father taught you to "take it like a man" right?

 

the sick puppy who wrote this obviously doesn't know cats. they don't use their whiskers to navigate in the dark, they use their whiskers to navigate, period. if you cut off a cat's whiskers, they can't walk. which is really fucked up. if i ever catch you where i can get my claws on you, i'm gonna rip you into little tiny pieces.

 

That's why I have a knife Rosie. To stop insane animal rights activists like you.

 

We all know what Rosie will do if she gets her claws on any male... So stay inside if ya see her coming.

6 - Leave the cat with Rosie.

3 - To tell ya the truth, if my dick were cut off I'd have much easier time going through doors...especially sideways. But I can cope with that.

 

Your dick or lack thereof? What, did you inflate it with Austin Power's Penis Pump? Also, you should buy the book:Austin Power's Penis Pump Instruction: Yes that is my bag baby

 

I may not like cats, but I just can't mistreat animals. I hate seeing animals get hurt, unless they've done something to me first...and then I usually regret it later, and get all sad and stuff, because WHO'S TO SAY YOU HAD THE RIGHT TO DO IT? JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD!

That said, I love eating meat...

 

Vyaas, I'm very glad it worked for you. I don't go for TV advertisements.