who needs a laugh

:smile:

 

How can you miss a shot point blank, which I believe is the only way a person can shoot himself/herself, with a gun?

 

How can you miss a shot point blank, which I believe is the only way a person can shoot himself/herself, with a gun?

 

The same way you double-post. :akimbo:

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Vlad the Imposter on 2002-03-11 20:05 ]</font>

 

let's get back on track

The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus..Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with his shouting, "Go Jesus Christ Go."

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant, they squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "mother trucker" or mother from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!


A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'

 

Chinese Sayings

1-Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone
2- Man who run in front of car get tired
3- Man who run behind car get exhausted
4-Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
5- Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
6- Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
7- Man with one chopstick go hungry
8- Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
9- Man who eat prunes get good run for money
10- Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
11- Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth
12- War does not determine who is right, determine who is left
13- Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
14- Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night
15- It take many nails to build a crib, only one screw to fill it
16- Man who drive like hell bound to get there
17- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
18- Man in glass house should change clothes in basement
19- Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
20- Man who fart in church sit in own pew
21- Crowded elevator smell different to midget

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms please,� said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like, there are twelve to a box."

"I'll take six boxes that should last about a week," said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?�

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very
satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power"! "Tell me his name!" "Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter, Peter, something or other...."

 

These are *****NOT***** Chinese sayings.
These are Vlad's postings.

:wink:

 

I don't get it?

 

But they're so true they seem to be Chinese :wink:

 

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

 

i like spam ~(_)~

 

Well, we don't.

Fuck off.

 

French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to convince Taliban of
Non-Existence of God

The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed
plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into
the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the
nonexistence of God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or
'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt,
despondency and existential anomie among the enemy.

Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long
occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a
number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines.

There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of
life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied
by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread
dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five
minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence
in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense
and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said,
"The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There
is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet; I am
talking."

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom
of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of
Alfred Hitchcock. Humanitarian agencies, however, have been quick to
condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive
smoking from the Frenchmen's endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on
civilians in the area.

Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the
effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate
his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.

This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies to
undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the Taliban's
fighting spirit. Pentagon sources have recently confirmed rumours that
America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the
Taliban front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its fingers
while saying, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. Follow me or die."

 

:rofl: :lol:

LÖL!

_________________

You think your site is tough? Try The T'inator!!!
"My diarrhea puts up more of a fight than you do!!!"

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Kozmo_Naut on 2002-03-14 04:36 ]</font>

 

Rejected State mottos.

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)

 

This picture was taken at a murder scene in Korea. The cops missed a vital piece of information. It's in the doorway at the back of the room, on the left. Took me about 30 seconds to spot it.

http://www.twodorks.com/junk/hauntedhouse.gif

_________________


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Feldon Kane on 2002-03-14 10:29 ]</font>

 

Feldon, that scared the shit outta me. All over my new boxers. Damn, and I gotta date with your sheep tonight, too.....

 

I needed a laugh. :smile:

 

well i guess that answers that question then now huh?

 

Hilarious Fatman. Coincidentally, my brother ran into one of my old school friends the other day. He's doing a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Philosophy and English. He was telling my brother about the fun he has in the tutorials, riling all the Christians up. By the way, this is the type of guy who pisses people off for fun, and in a funny way. He acts really weird without the need to get high, but is also really smart.

Anyway, he said his favourite way to rile up the christians and co was to say "There is no God. I can prove it. Damn, I left my proof at home!" or something to that effect. I realise this may not sound funny, but if you know this guy, it's hilarious.