who needs a laugh

those are pretty good, you mind if i use them, anyway here's another joke

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

 

Feeeeeeel the lowering standards for humor...

:roll:

 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.'' The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

now how can that be considered low brow humour? :smile:

 

Geeeeeeeeee I wonder.... :grin: funniness.

 

ok just to raise the bar a little (teehee bar) here are some thought's to ponder

How can batteries die?

If its zero degrees tonight, and tomorrow its meant to
be twice as cold, how cold will it be?

Why are buildings called buildings when
there finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that when you tell a man there are
400 billion stars he will believe you, but when
you tell him there's wet paint he has to touch it?

Who's cruel idea was it to put a 'S' in 'lisp'?

Do you find it unnerving that what doctors do is called 'practice'?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is it homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

 

:lol:
i liked the 0 degrees thing but i already heard that one....
here's some more jokes:
Two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
"The MOST embarrassing thing happened to me as I was getting my tickets. The teller had some of the largest, most beautiful breasts I had ever seen, and I was mesmerized. I was trying to get my mind off of them, but when I got to the front of the line, I said 'Can I have two pickets to Tittsville?' I got so red, you wouldn't believe. But the woman told me not to worry. We laughed, but I was still very embarrassed."
"A similar thing happened to me this morning. I was sitting down to breakfast with my wife, and what I was thinking was 'Honey, could you pass the toasted oats?' But what came out was 'FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!'"

This guy was working on this building and had to use the restroom and saw that the guys restroom was closed so he went up to the counter and asked if there was a restroom he could use and they told him he could use the girls restroom but don't push the three buttons.
He goes in, and he starts to do his thing and he sees the three buttons. He thinks, “What the hell,� and pushes the first button, and it washes him, he thinks, “this isn't so bad,� and he pushes the second one, and it massages him.
He thinks, “What the hell were they talking about this is great.� So he looks at the third one and sees there is a sticker that say caution. He pushes that button and the next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital room. He yells for a nurse and asks her what's going on.
She says, “The third button was an automatic tampon remover...

 

This is bady jok for childs
i can nevr rigt it by miself so i qote
"There was a very rich businessman who had a very horny wife and who was going on a bussiness trip, he was worried that his wife might have sex with another guy while he was away, so he went to the sex shop, he was there for a while searching through all the dildos and other sex gadgets when he came accross an ordinary looking dildo with a label attached reading "voodoo dildo" "what does this do then?" he asked the shopkeeper. "Well said the shopkeeper if you are horny you just say to the voodoo dildo, voodoo dildo my crotch, it will then give you an excrutiating orgasm. Sounds great thought the businees man and he pulled out his wallet and paid for the dildo. He gave it to his wife on the way to the airport and left on his trip. His wife was soon horny and considered all the guys that would have sex with her, then she remembered the voodoo dildo. "voodoo dildo my crouch" she yelled. And the voodoo dildo promply hopped into her vagina and started hopping, after two amazing orgasms the woman realised she didnt know how to tell the voodoo dildo to stop,thinking she might go to the hospital to get it removed she hopped into the car and drove towards the nearest hospital. On the road she had a rapturous orgasm and overturned losing control of the car and crashing into a nearby tree. A cop was soon a the seen. "whats this then," he shouted "are you drunk or on drugs?". No shouted the badly bruised lady. I have a voodoo dildo stuck up my crotch. the rather unimpressed cop took out his notebook and said to the women "yeah right voodoo dildo my ass".

 

good one ring lord...... fuck you stupid bitch.... i like it a lot :smile:
here are some things to try on an elevator or bus as the case may be

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents
of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead
and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while
peering inside ask. "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator.
Wear yours upside-down.

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back,
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask,
"Is that your beeper?"

Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.

apologies to any scots out there but i'm sure the english and irish will like it
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

 

Hey, you stole those from a website... give me the URL, though, because I lost it. Dammit, Rat's bad linguistic skills are rubbing off on me already.

 

there you go, now don't say i don't give you nothin'

 

Ahem. Website?

 

imake my own jokes up and send them to websites where mrnobodie steals 'em!

 

mrnobodie you forgot to put in the url.

 

i think that this was the point...

 

HI all. DAMN GREAT JOKES!!!
And i've noticed that many people are using the "all-Australian book of jokes"(is that it's real name?) and here's one from it...

A farmer wakes up one morning and sees that his cow is dead. He is instantly depressed and wonders how he will now support his family so he gets his shotgun and...BOOOOOM!!!...............

A few houres later his wife wakes up and sees that her husband is dead. She is wrought with sorrow and goes to the barn to hang herself...SNAP!!!..........

Then the first son wakes up and seeing his parents dead goes to the river to drown himself...and sees a gorgeous sensual mermaid waiting. The mermaid tells him that she will reserrect everyone if he has sex with he 5 times in a row and he tries but only manages 3 times (in my personal opinion that's not bad...)so the mermaid drowns him...GULP, GULP.........

Then the second son arrives at the river to drown himself and meets the mermaid who tells him that if he has sex with her 10 times in a row she'll reserect everybody. He tries but only manages 7 times(which, in my opinion, is bloody amazing!)so she drowns him...GULP, GULP.........

Finally the third son arrives and the mermaid tells him that if he has sex with her 15 times in a row she'll reserect everybody. And he answers "15 times... is that all? why not 20 times or 30 or 40"
And the mermaid screams "okay enough if you have sex with me 40 times in a row i'll resurect everybody!!!" And then the son answers supiciouly "wait a minute... how do I now that 40 times won't kill you like it did the cow!!!!!(GASP GASP!!!!)

Here is another one

A garbage man is doing his round when he stops by a house and sees that there is no wheely bin he goes and knocks on the door. And irishman opens the door and askes "whadayawant?"
The garbage man says:wheres ya bin.
THe irishman says i've been to florida
The garbage man says "no where ya wheely bin
The irishman says well i've wheeely bin in jail but i tell my folkes i've bin to florida!!!

And my last one for now

What am I?
I am generally about 7-8 inches long.
I hang around loosly most of the time
i have a clump of hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other
When in use i am inserted many times into a moist fleshy opening many times in sucetion
WHen extracted i leave behind a white sticky substance that sometimes has to be wahsed from the outer surfaces. THen i return to my freely hanging stat ready for anothe piece of action later on.
Most people use me once a day when it should be used 2 or 3 times a day.
What am I?
>
>
>
>
>
>
THe answer is none other than...your Toothbrush!!!(what where you thinking about you PERVERT!!!)

 

i have another answer...
it's a dick!!!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ring lord on 2002-01-01 06:58 ]</font>

 

etalis check your email i sent you the site and i won't post them here as they are adult sites and i won't be accused of corrupting younger individuals...... i'll leave that up to eros rex :razz:
anyway here's some more jokes i tracked down for you

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"

A man walks into a bar one night with three
ducks under his arm. The bartender who had already
had a bad day decided not to even ask why he has
these three ducks. So the guy sets the three ducks
down on the bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes
he has to go to the restroom. The bartender walks over
to the first duck and says " Hi Mr. Duck what
is your name?" The duck replies "My name is Monty."
The bartender says "Hi Monty how are you today?"
Monty says "I am great!" I have been in and out of
puddles all day and I feel wonderful!". The bartender says
"Thats great Monty." Then the bartender goes up
to the second duck, "What is your name Mr. duck?".
"My names is Donny said the duck. "Well how are
you today Donny" asked the bartender. "I'm great"
replied Donny, "I have been in and out of
puddles all day, and if I had the chance I
would do it again". "Great" said the bartender.
The bartender then goes up to the third duck and
says "Well you must be Donna" to that the duck replies
"NO I am Miss Puddles and don't ask me how the hell my day has been!"

 

Wow, the standards for the humor in the world are falling... I'm so glad. Those were funny, nobodie. But there's one thing you might not realize: I *am* a minor :grin:.
Yup, I'm 15. Go figure. So you *are* corrupting the youth of America... I'm proud of you :wink:.

 

yes but atleast i'm not doing it on a public forum, there has to be some comfort in that rght?????, anyway back to the task at hand
This guy goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist where the tampons are. The pharmacist directs him to aisle 4. The man comes back in a few minutes with some toilet paper and some cotton balls. The pharmacist asks the man, "Excuse me, it's none of my business, but you asked where the tampons were, and now you come to me with toilet paper and cotton balls. Why?" The man responds: "Well, last night I sent the old lady to the store for a carton of cigarettes, and she brought me a tin of tobacco and some papers. Tonight, she can roll her own!"

 

hehe...
here is another youth corrupting joke:

101 Things Not To Say During Sex


1.But everybody looks funny naked!
2.You woke me up for that?
3.Did I mention the video camera?
4.Do you smell something burning?
5.(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6.Try breathing through your nose.
7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10.But whipped cream makes me break out.
11.Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
12.Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13.Can you please pass me the remote control?
14.Do you accept Visa?
15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17.And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18.So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19.(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21.(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.Do you get any premium movie channels?
23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25.Got any penicillin?
26.But I just brushed my teeth...
27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29.I want a baby!
30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31.(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34.I think you have it on backwards.
35.When is this supposed to feel good?
36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.You're good enough to do this for a living!
38.Is that blood on the headboard?
39.Did I remember to take my pill?
40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41.I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42.That leak better be from the waterbed!
43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47.No, really... I do this part better myself!
48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49.This would be more fun with a few more people.
50.You're almost as good as my ex!
51.Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53.You look younger than you feel.
54.Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57.Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60.What tampon?
61.Have you ever considered liposuction?
62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63.What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64.I have a confession...
65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66.Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68.Is that a hanging sculpture?
69.You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70.Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72.Did you come yet, dear?
73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75.Does this count as a date?
76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77.Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78.I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
79.You can cook, too right?
80.When would you like to meet my parents?
81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82.Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84.Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85.(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86.I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87.Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88.Sorry but I don't do toes!
89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92.I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93.So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95.Is this a sin too?
96.I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98.Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99.Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100.How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

(I'm realy realy sorry for this LONG list!)