ITT bad poetry

When I was about five or so I wrote a poem that went:

There is a dragon under my bed,
He sneaks up and bites off my brother's head.

Finely crafted poetry indeed.

 

Once every ten years or so, my poetic juices come bursting forth in glorious ode. I'm not due for another ode-gasm for about 8 more years, so I'll just dust off these old gems:

Ode to Charles
by Jungle Japes, 2005

Charles is a Muslim of great faith,
a brain-damaged warrior of Allah.
Words from his head
don't quite make it to the page intact,
nor do words from the page
seem to reach his head.

Unlimited, his patience
is matched only by his ineptitude
with the written word.
Time and again, his arguments,
smitten down by his fellow Lords,
are sent back to the fiery battle.
Refusal to accept defeat? No.
Inability to understand it.

Will than Muslims rule the galaxy?
Or will Charles disappointed be?
Is Charles gay, or hetero?
Only Allah know.

_____________________________

Ode to the Sonic Butterfinger Blast
by Jungle Japes, 2015


Thy icy sweetness. Thy crunchy bits
of Butterfinger candy bar,
chocolate coated, pulverized.
'Tis perfect whipped bliss atop thee sits,
and under domed lid there are
soft serve fantasies realized.​

 

I quaff my green tea,
Buy my sushi from BP
Gaijin Poetryyy

 

Ah, haiku. On a previous Arcanum board, there was a moment when one of the denizens, "Azira", had a bad breakup with his girlfriend, so I wrote the following haiku to cheer him up:

Friends are here for you,
In your darkest hour of need.
Did she have big tits?

 

Yo, reference nature
Maybe a poignant pause or shit
Y'all haiku noobs, dawg

 

Pretty sure there are 8 syllables in that 2nd line there, sir.

 

Endless red desert.
Everything wants to kill you.
Australia sucks.

Is that better, yeetsy?

 

Don't care for haiku.
I rather prefer the ode
or the limerick.

 

An old fellow they called "Jungle Japes"
Spent his days among military apes.
But each evening he'd stare
At a game forum, where
They debated the causes of rapes.

 

A weird pervert whose first name was Jojo
Had a surname that sounded like "bobo".
A chemist by day,
With not enough pay,
So at night he sucked cocks like a ho-ho.

 

There once was an Elf who was Dark,
His fists were as brittle as bark.
In a fight with a tree,
He came second, you see.
So now his main weapon is snark.

 

The House Of Lords' favourite Asian
Was accused of forum evasion.
"She's gone" they all cried,
But she calmly replied,
"No, I still check in on occasion."

 

How pleasant, just once
Not to see great walls of text
Mansplaining rapists.

 

There once was a guy called Smuel,
Whose name I couldn't rhyme so well,
Pronunciation's a bitch,
So I went for the switch,
And in the last line blurted out, "fuel".