who needs a laugh

Hahahaha Very funny a good one ..

 

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight proccedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

 

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?




A: It's a really obscure number you've probably never heard of.

 

Q: How many saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?








A: Just one, but it takes about 8 episodes to do it.

 

I was going to guess OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!

 

An Australian is visiting New Zealand, taking a walk through the countryside, when he happens upon a farmer 'helping a sheep over the fence' as they say.

"You know, in Australia, we shear those," said the embarrassed tourist.

"Puss off," said the farmer. "I'm not sheering thus wuth eenyone."

 

Forwarded to me by my mother:

• Brain Study....
  
  Wow! It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it...
  
  I’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers.
  
  
  
  F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
  
  
  
  Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:
  
  
  
  7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
  
  PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

 

Xyle, that's not a joke. Only jokes in Nobody's thread, please.

I'm not forwarding it because it's not an email or on facebook, and we have no option to like or, to my chagrin, dislike that post.

You know you're on a greyhound bus when;
You see a mother and son traveling across the country on their honeymoon.

Why are quantum physicists lousy lovers?
Because when they've found the position, they don't have the momentum - and when they've got the momentum, they don't have the position.

 

Daughter: I don’t see why I can’t have innocent sleepovers with boys.
Dad: I don’t want you having sex with boys!
Daughter: But I can have sleepovers with girls… is sex with girls OK?
Dad: Only if you videotape it and I get a share of the profits.

 

Two gay guys, Chris and Mark, are in the middle of doing the deed when Chris suddenly gets hungry - and I mean really hungry.

"Mark, I'm going to have to go to the shops - I'm really hungry and I really want a Mars bar. I'll only be five minutes, so stay where you are and whatever you do don't - you know - finish yourself off."

"Are you being serious?" Mark moans.

"Terribly. I swear I'll only be 5 minutes"

5 minutes later, Chris returns after eating to find semen all over the wall.

"Jesus Mark, couldn't you wait for me?"

"I didn't do it Chris I swear!"

"Well what in Hell did happen then?!"

"I farted."

 

Where does the discerning vampire bite a clown?









In the jocular.

 

Why don't doctors have more sex?

They're busy waiting for the swelling to go down.

 

A man finds a note from his penis on the night stand next to his bed one morning;

Dear Owner,

I'm sorry I haven't done more for you. You're the best friend I could ever have, and I hope I'm worthy of your praise.

He considers the note and writes a second, which he shoves down his pants;

Dear Penis,

You're more than worthy. You're all I ever wanted in someone else.

 

I man walks into a music store, looking for U2's Greatest Hits. After a good five minutes of searching, he gives up on finding it himself and so goes to ask a shop assistant.

"Excuse me, but I've searched around your shop for a while and I can't seem to find U2's Greatest Hits - could you tell me where I might find them?" asked the man.

"Well whereabouts have you looked so far?" replied the shop assistant.

"I've looked on the top floor and the bottom. I've looked by the books, the t-shirts and DVDs. I've looked everywhere I could think of; I've searched high and low - but I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

 

What do you call five Mexicans drowning in a pool?

Spoiler

Sinko

What's the difference between smuel and a bag o' shit?

Spoiler

The Bag

 

What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?

They both enjoy a tight seal.

 

What do you call a panda with two black eyes?




A panda.

 

Now for a joke of my own conception, a drumroll please...

Why are most women like pasties?




They're no good until they've had a good filling.

If you're american just change pasty for pizza pocket and you're set.

 

During the festivities this year I came up with some more jokes:

What do you call the child of gingerbread siblings?





Inbread.

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"Who shot first" is a common discussion in groups of Star Wars fans. It usually starts during the soggy buscuit contest, whilst they all hungrily eye Carrie Fisher.

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I ate out my girlfriend the other day. She's been missing for three weeks now and yet still no one's noticed my new fruit bowl made out of human skin.