who needs a laugh

How do you stop yourself getting covered in dog shit?

Wear a condom.

 

UNCLE PAUL
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause.
"Uh, okay then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
*** Long pause ***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? Is this 486-5731?"

 

What's black and blue and gets lots of sex?








The baby in the boot of my car.

 

Crazy? I was crazy once;
They put me in a rubber room.
Rubber rooms are cold;
Cold as the cold, cold ground.
Ground? Worms live in the ground.
Worms drive me crazy.
Crazy? I was crazy once;
They put me in a rubber room.
Rubber rooms are cold;
Cold as the cold, cold ground.
Ground? Worms live in the ground.
Worms drive me crazy.
Crazy? I was crazy once...

 

In the beginning God created the world, in all its splendour. He carefully put plants and animals on there, and created a wondrous garden, the Garden of Eden. Then he thought "oh bugger, I hate gardening."

So he took some clay, and created Adam, the first ever human. Adam didn't stop and think "where in the name of God did I come from?" He just took a breath and started gardening. And God saw that Adam was happy...

And thought "this isn't right, I didn't put him there to be happy." And in the middle of the night he stealthily went to the garden, and took out one of Adam's ribs to make Eve, a woman. And then the next day he goes and TELLS her "you can eat the fruit of any tree here except that one over there, you know, the one with the beautiful, round apples. You know, the ones that look delicious, yes, that one, over there."

...He goes and tells THAT to a woman. And then he gets his knickers in a knot when she goes and takes a bite.

Gods, huh, can you believe 'em?

 

Sam: Nice job.
Josh: I know, I'm thinking seriously about turning pro.
Sam: Yeah?
Josh: Yeah, I got agents talking to me, telling me I could go high in the second round, maybe low in the first if I have a good postseason.
Sam: You don't want to stay in school, get your education?
Josh: Nah, I'm white, nobody's gonna mind.

 

What's the difference between a ferrari and a pile of dead babies?






I don't have wet dreams about ferraris.

 

What's the difference between Jojobobo and a paedophile?




Not much.

 

Whoa whoa whoa, don't blame me for that last joke! Johnny Rocketfingers deserves all the credit for that one.

 

A True story by "Xyle"

My (step-)dad came home from work one day and had a story to tell us:

On his way home, he pulled over to let an ambulance pass. As the ambulance went pass, a cooler fell out and landed by the side of the road. So he got out and found that inside the cooler was severed toe. So to make sure that it to the hospital in time for the toe to be reattached, he called a tow truck...

The true part is that he is told the story.

 

You know, it's against the rules to post in this thread except to make a joke.

[edit] D'oh!

 

"...is as elusive as Osama bin Laden's death photo." Time Magazine June 6, 2011 pg55

------

What's the difference between Barney and a normal dinosaur? Barney has only been dead for five minutes.

 

4 out of 5 people say that they enjoy gang rape.

 

Google Maps.
Get directions.
A: Japan
B: China
Scroll down to 42.

 

MOMMA MIA
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.
The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

 

Another blonde joke.

What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before you get on top of a trampoline.

 

My wife will buy anything marked down when she goes shopping. Just last week she came home with an escalator.


Son: "Dad, why are you putting iodine on your check?"
Dad: "Because I just got a cut in my salary."

 

- What do you call a missionary to a tribe of cannibals?
- Dinner.
- What do you call a missionary service that keeps sending the missionaries?
- Delivery.


- I don't know. Do you want to dine out or shall we order delivery?
- I am not in the mood to listen to another missionary, let's dine out tonight.


"Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." (Matthew 10:16) and it helps if you are as tasty as cockroaches.

 

What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip strength!

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" Asks the doctor.
"No, you idiot, this is her husband!"

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

 

Crabs.

My brother told me this one...

A humble crab fell into love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab anymore.

"But why?" gasped the humble crab.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess. "You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways."

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness. That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball. Lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Only Princess Lobster sat by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking straight, one claw after another. Step by painful step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush.

Finally Crab spoke up: "Shit, I'm pissed!"